So, Al, You Want to be Alpha? Ask Hem

Vice President Al Gore, anxious to portray himself as successor to the world’s No. 1 Alpha Male, has loosened up his delivery style, thrown away the script and tried earth tones.

But he’s ignored the expert advice of the quintessential macho man: Ernest Hemingway.

Hem knew that Alpha Males must prove themselves by undergoing tests of bravery and physical strength. The Cuban fisherman in “The Old Man and The Sea” demonstrates his courage and endurance in a titanic bout of arm wrestling.

“They had gone one day and one night with their elbows on a chalk line on the table and their forearms straight up and their hands gripped tight. Each one was trying to force the other’s hand down onto the table.”

At the next debate, Al should forgo the proffered handshake. Instead, he should strip off his shirt and challenge Bill Bradley, mano-a-mano.

In fact, how about a round or two in the ring? Prove himself a contender worthy of Jack, the veteran boxer in Hem’s “Fifty Grand.”

“Every time he gets in close, Jack ties him up, then gets one hand loose and uppercuts him.”

Or why not place Al and Bill in a bull ring to measure grace under pressure? Can these two candidates in their middle years match the aging, wounded Manuel Garcia in “The Undefeated?”

“He side-stepped, swung the cape in back of him, and pivoted, so the bull followed a swirl of cape and then was left with nothing.”

In a suit of lights, muscular Al would surely outshine Bradley, who tends to resemble a tired picador.

Too exotic? If Al cannot turn a veronica, why not try big-game hunting? Hem felt that pitting man against beast was the ultimate test of character for the macho man. But, here, Al has to beware.

“Macomber heard the blood-choked coughing grunt, and saw the swishing in the grass. The next thing he knew he was running; running wildly, in panic.”

Cowardly Macomber is a great talker. Yet it is taciturn, unflappable Wilson, Alpha Male extraordinaire, who stands his ground and carawong! kills the charging lion.

“Damned fine lion,” Wilson remarks, after the kill.

Perhaps facing down lions is too risky for a vice president? Could he at least cast a fly rod? Could he match the environmentally sensitive Nick Adams, Hem’s alter ago?

“Nick held the trout, never still, with his moist right hand, while he unhooked the barb from his mouth, then dropped him back into the stream.”

Voters would be sure to flock to the banner of a compassionate angler.

But only if he possesses aficion. Aficion is very important. Jake Barnes, Hem’s hero in “The Sun Also Rises,” understood that. Can Al become like Jake?

“Somehow,” Jake mused, “it was taken for granted that an American could not have aficion. He might simulate it or confuse it with excitement, but he could not really have it. When they saw that I had aficion, and there was no password, no set questions that could bring it out, rather it was a sort of oral spiritual examination with the questions always a little on the defensive and never apparent, there was this same embarrassed putting the hand on the shoulder, or a ‘Buen hombre.’ ”

Note that Hem’s heroes casually sprinkle their speech with Spanish words, like posada, paseo and Anis del Toro. Fluent in Spanish, Al has an advantage. How Democrats would cheer to hear him call George W. Bush a cabron, as the gambler calls the guy who shoots him in one of Hemingway’s better-known short stories. Though, here, too, Al has to be careful. Some linguists judge W’s Spanish just a notch above Al’s.

Yes, Hemingway can teach Al to become the authentic man who says what he means and means what he says. La lengua can deceive, but cojones cannot be faked.