ERAs Are Rocky Mountain High

Jobs that just can’t be worth the money:

Neurologist for Eric Lindros.

Barber for Donald Trump.

Nutritionist for David Wells.

Pitching coach for Buddy Bell.

The last one comes with 81 games at Coors Field. By the time the season’s over, you might require Lindros’ guy.

Marcel Lachemann, miscast as Angel manager but still one of the best pitching coaches in the game, said he is content with the Colorado Rockies.

“Denver is a great city, and it’s a beautiful stadium,” Lachemann said.

Wait. A pitching coach who likes Coors Field?

“I didn’t say that,” Lachemann said, laughing. “I just said it was beautiful.”

The look: That part-grunge, part-Goth, part-Alice Cooper thing for Oakland’s Jason Giambi on the cover of Sports Illustrated?

Not his idea, he told writers in San Francisco.

“They wanted that look,” he said. “They wanted the hair in the face, the tattoo. I guess we can be like the old Phillies, with characters like [John] Kruk and Mitch Williams.”

That would make Giambi . . . Kruk?

“Hell no,” he snapped. “I’m better looking than that.”

Looking for a sweep: After losing to Sammy Sosa in the final of the Home Run Derby, Ken Griffey Jr. went home. Most of the injured All-Stars remained in Atlanta--Barry Bonds, for one--but not Junior.

“We got a call from the security company,” he told the Cincinnati Enquirer. “There’s something wrong with one of our fireplaces. We might have to take care of that.”

Apparently, all was well with the andiron. He returned to the club Thursday in Colorado and immediately hit two home runs.

There’s no telling what a man can do when he’s not distracted by his fireplace.

It escapes me: Harold Reynolds, an old pal of Griffey’s, cleared up all of those fresh ideas that Junior is petty and selfish. He said Junior never called him to complain about Jim Edmonds’ face time.

“I’ve been trying to think where that might have come from,” Reynolds said. “The only thing I can think of is about three years ago a group of us [were] talking about baseball. The catch that Edmonds made, over his shoulder when he dives, came up. You know the one. It’s the catch.

“Ken said there are five or six guys who are standing under that ball and don’t have to dive.”

Gee, and all this time we thought he might have said something nasty about Edmonds.

John Burkett to the rescue: Think there is fear in Atlanta?

Wonder why the Braves overpaid for Andy Ashby, and continue to search for a closer?

The staff was 13-15 with a 5.13 ERA in June, its first losing month since 1996 and its first month with an ERA greater than 5.00 since 1990.

He’s a human bean: There may be a lot of things wrong with Jose Lima.

Confidence is not one of them.

Just before the All-Star break, Lima won his second game.

“I wanted to cry,” the Astro right-hander said. “It’s a great feeling to finally get No. 2 out of the way. I may be 2-13, but it’s still Lima Time.”

It’s Lima Time, all right. In Peru.

Is that with pay? Mike Lupica said on television that pitchers should be suspended for one game after beaning a hitter.

Later the same day, after watching Lupica, Pittsburgh Manager Gene Lamont said in his office that sportswriters should be suspended for one month after writing something dumb.

And, his face should be harder: Paul Blair was hit in the face by a pitch in 1970. Three decades later, he remains woozy.

There’s no other way to explain his take on Roger Clemens beaning Mike Piazza:

“What was [Piazza] thinking?” Blair asked Newsday. “There’s no question he’s the responsible one. How could he go up there and not expect to be hit? What was he, 7-for-12? Three home runs? Right.

“Piazza just got too comfortable. But, if you want to blame somebody? Blame the other pitchers who let him get that comfortable.”

Wow.