LAUGH LINES

In the Works: “Plans are being made to handle President Clinton’s life after he leaves the White House. For instance, there will be eight Secret Service agents assigned to protect Britney Spears.” (Craig Kilborn)

Special of the Day: The National Rifle Assn. “wants to open a theme restaurant in Times Square. What’s the theme? ‘Dead on Arrival’?” (Barbara Best)

In the Forecast: “Names for Atlantic hurricanes for the 2000 tropical storm season have been announced. Known for blowing very hot air, this year’s selection includes Hurricane Trump, Hurricane Hillary and Hurricane Jesse ‘the Body.’ ” (Jerry Perisho)

Breaking Out: “Canada suffered an E. coli outbreak in Ontario. The U.S. was no help at all. The moment news of it hit, Al Gore recited the USDA barbecue guidelines, and George W. Bush declared war on computer viruses.” (Argus Hamilton)

In the Same Footsteps: “ ‘M:I-2’ continues to be a dominant movie at the box office. . . . It’s following the precedent set by the first ‘Mission: Impossible’ movie as, once again, the impossible mission involves figuring out the plot.” (Ira Lawson)

Eat and Run: “If you’re dining at the new [National Rifle Assn.] restaurant, and you happen to hear ‘Bam!’ from the kitchen--it’s not Emeril [Lagasse].” (Chris Pina)

Getting a Raise: “The presidential salary [is] to be doubled to $400,000. This should help bring the president’s salary more in line with other CEOs and Starbucks managers.” (Kenny Noble Cortes)

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