LAUGH LINES

Moving Pains: “O.J. Simpson has bought a house in Florida. He plans to move there permanently. . . . Coral Gables, near Miami. Today, 25,000 Miamians swam back to Cuba.” (Jay Leno)

Reel Proof: “ ‘Sleepy Hollow’ was released in video stores. It’s about a guy who rode around the country in the 1600s without a head on his shoulders. It’s the strongest evidence yet that the Bushes came over on the Mayflower.” (Argus Hamilton)

Securing the Premises: “Security at government buildings is being tightened after undercover agents were able to gain access to [some] of the most secure federal installments. That’s no surprise. Judging from the past couple elections, they’d let anybody into the White House.” (Daily Scoop)

Eat and Gun: The National Rifle Assn. “announced plans to open a family-friendly theme store and restaurant in New York’s Time Square that would show the positive side of guns--which, as many of you know, is the back of them; the front is very negative.” (Jon Stewart)

Something in the Air: “United Airlines has announced it’s planning to buy out U.S. Airways. Together, their mission is to become the largest airline of delayed flights, bad food and lost luggage.” (Andrew Wisot)

Older, but Newer: Cher turned 54. “Actually, the only part of her that’s 54 is her left elbow. Everything else is brand new.” (Leno)

In a Flash: A “Japanese sumo wrestling superstar . . . exposed himself during a wrestling match. He says he tied his belt too loosely and his loincloth fell to the ground. It’s known worldwide as the Clinton Defense.” (Hamilton)

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