Rocker Probably Couldn’t Save Wall Street Either

John Rocker believes his life would be simpler if he became a stockbroker.

There are, then, a few things he ought to keep in mind.

Assuming there is any room left in there.

For one, Merrill Lynch is not something you have upon discovering Merrill is from New York.

Salomon Smith Barney is not the middle of the Toledo Mud Hen batting order. But, John knows that by now.

In this country, we put money into stocks. We do not put foreigners in them, nor unwed mothers.

In a related matter, a stockbroker is not the person who sets the foreigners free, any more than is the stock ticker a bomb you put under the foreigner in the stocks.

NASDAQ is nowhere near Iraq. So put down the gun.

A 401(k) is not KKK plus 398(k).

Finally, when people start talking about Black Thursday, it’s probably not what you think.

Good luck, John. Wall Street, New York City, is but another terrible decision away.

It suits him: How about Joe Torre? What a guy.

A month from the All-Star game, he named Tampa Bay Manager Larry Rothschild an assistant on his American League coaching staff. It came as a surprise because, by some accounts, Rothschild’s job is in jeopardy. No matter what Devil Ray brass might be thinking, though, it can’t fire the guy before his first All-Star game. Could it?

In the best-case scenario, Torre bought Rothschild another month to turn things around in Tampa. The worst case is a trip to the dry cleaners.

“I guess I would still have him,” Torre said, “[only] wearing a sport coat and tie.”

Don’t be mad: Minnesota Twin right-hander Joe Mays struck out Houston’s Ken Caminiti with the bases loaded, then watched in horror as Caminiti snapped the bat over his knee.

“That scared me,” Mays said with a small smile, “because I know he could do that to me.”

Did you say toemail? Paul O’Neill fouled a ball off his toe, but was called out after the ball rolled into fair play.

Plate umpire Rich Rieker contended the ball did not hit O’Neill, who, of course, argued emotionally.

After the game, O’Neill pulled off his sock and showed reporters the bloody mess that once was his toe.

“I’m going to lose my big toenail,” O’Neill told them. “And I’m going to send it to him.”

Godfather IV? Seattle Times columnist Blaine Newnham has written that the Mariners are in some ways better off without Ken Griffey Jr. He is not alone in the opinion, but he is the only writer to have gotten a telephone call from Griffey’s agent because of it.

According to Newnham, representative Brian Goldberg informed him that Griffey knew Shawn Alexander, the first-round draft pick of the Seattle Seahawks.

“Kenny will tell him where to live in Seattle and where not to live, where to go and not to go,” Goldberg supposedly told Newnham. “And which writers he can talk to and trust, and which ones he can’t.”

No word yet if Newnham woke up with a horse’s head in his bed.

Passing the buck: Albert Belle stood near the on-deck circle at Shea Stadium one night last week.

Now, New York City on-deck circles are not for the meek. The fans throw stuff. Yell stuff. Threaten stuff. Spit stuff.

And that’s on the home side.

Belle was getting the usual treatment from a fan who teasingly and repeatedly shouted, “Joey,” the formal name by which Belle once was known.

Finally, Belle had enough. According to the fan who was spewing the abuse, Belle turned and said, “That’s what my big, fat paycheck says.”

And then he went and slammed an RBI double.

Geb is gone: The Colorado Rockies are winning games and contending in the NL West, a development that is taking a little getting used to in Denver.

Wrote Mike Klis in the Denver Post: “Just for old time’s sake, what do you say we blame about 10 of the Rockies’ losses on Bob Gebhard, two or three on Don Baylor, four or five on Jim Leyland and a couple on the owners? No, check that. If we’re going to be accurate about this, put all 22 losses on Geb.

“That’s how it always was with this team. If there was nowhere else to turn, blame Geb.”

And so is Woody: Former Seattle GM Woody Woodward wiles away his days in Florida.

He resigned in part to avoid the stigma of being the general manager who traded away future Hall of Famers Griffey and Alex Rodriguez. He continues to draw his salary, about $400,000, working as a part-time scout for the Mariners.

“I don’t miss the pressure of having to decide on things like signings and trades,” Woodward said. “For me a big decision each day is whether to play a round of golf or just go to the practice tee for a while.

“So far, I haven’t made a bad decision.”

Yeah, that’ll work: The terrible Pirates responded to their disappointing season by firing the first-base coach and the third-base coach.

If the losing continues, you gotta believe the mascot is looking over his shoulder.