No Conspiracy, Lakers Had to Get With Programming

Pssst. It’s NBC’s fault.

The evidence is murky, but here it is:

Shortly before the Lakers stumbled through a start-to-finish embarrassment at the furious hands of the Portland Trail Blazers Tuesday, I saw a guy wearing a blazer and headset talking to a cameraman. .

“We need to fill another few days of programming,” the blazer man said. “Any gold jersey that comes near you under the basket, trip him.”

Shhhh. It could also be the Staples Center fault.

The evidence is difficult to decipher, but see what you think:

Shortly before the Lakers lost to the Trail Blazers, 96-88, in what should have been a clinching Game 5 of the Western Conference finals, I saw a fat guy with a tool belt ordering two more fat guys to climb a ladder under one of the baskets.

“The boss says they want another game here Sunday, they need more parking money to furnish their vacation homes,” he shouted. “So raise the Lakers basket higher before each half, and make sure the Blazers’ basket stays at regulation.”

“How much higher?” shouted one of the fat guys on the vibrating ladder.

“Well, the boss wants the Lakers to shoot about 38 percent, and miss 21 three-pointers,” shouted the fat guy on the ground.

“You got it!”

OK, so maybe you have your own conspiracy theory.

Maybe you think it was Tonya Harding trying to get another hometown game by threatening somebody with auto parts.

Maybe you think it was the Laker Girls, having already sold every available bit of advertising space on their chests for a Game 7 here, threatening somebody with a leg kick.

It was surely something, right?

After all, this was not a game, it was a UFO sighting.

This was a team that, after showing a championship heart last weekend in Portland, came back home and barely showed up.

This was a team that needed only to put a period at the end of one of the most dramatic and inspirational sentences written by this franchise in many years . . . and came up with only a question mark.

This was not real.

Was it?

“We are going to have to take a little more time to win this series and it will be good for us as a basketball team,” Coach Phil Jackson said. “This team has not grown enough to understand some of the subtleties of what we are trying to do and it is a good measure for us.”

Oh, so it was his fault.

Him and those Chicago Bull cronies, huddled there in front of the bench during timeouts, determined to make sure their team plays more games so it can learn more about that almighty triangle thing-a-ma-jig.

How about that one, theorists?

Jackson designs a game plan that ensures that his team, after dominating Portland under pressure last weekend, does not lead for one second at home.

Jackson makes sure the defense allows Scottie Pippen to rise from the ashes of his underachievement, and Detlef Schrempf to come out of retirement.

He makes sure his guys lay off Rasheed Wallace long enough for him to compose himself after a technical foul, while laying off Bonzi Wells enough for him to start scoring again.

And, man, how Jackson loved watching his guys, every time they drew close, throw out a wild three-point attempt or pass to allow Portland to . . .

Enough, enough.

Those of you who woke up this morning thinking conspiracy, just listen to yourselves.

You have the right first letter, but the wrong word.

It wasn’t a conspiracy, it was a choke.

That doesn’t make it a fatal choke, or even a particularly heinous one.

The Lakers had a chance to finish what will be their toughest postseason series at home in five games, but tried too hard, and fell over themselves, and that was that.

They choked.

It happens.

Kobe Bryant tried too hard to inject energy into some of his oddly slow-moving teammates, and wound up with more turnovers (six) than baskets (four).

Not to mention, a passel of his coach’s wrath.

“He was a lot out of control tonight,” Jackson said.

It happens.

Glen Rice never found his feet. Robert Horry never found the brakes. Portland suddenly found some heart.

That doesn’t mean the Lakers won’t win the series, because they will.

They may not win Friday in Portland because it’s hard to imagine the Trail Blazers losing three consecutive playoff games at home.

But they will certainly win Sunday’s Game 7 back here because it is impossible to imagine the Lakers losing three consecutive playoff games at home.

This shrug may appear strange, appearing in a space that has been so critical of the Lakers’ inability to throw a knockout punch.

But last weekend proved that the Lakers do indeed possess it.

They have two more games in which to throw it.

It remains unimaginable to think that they won’t.

About the important fouls called on the Lakers Tuesday--even though the Lakers were whistled for only two more fouls than the Blazers--Brian Shaw said, “It’s peculiar.”

About the same refereeing, Rick Fox said, “If I open my mouth and say anything about the officials, that would be making an excuse. And on top of that, I would giving my money to the guys in New York. And I don’t want to do that.”

But, added Fox, ‘You can’t have the NBA on NBC when it’s 4-1.”

Enough, enough.

The only conspiracy at work here is an apparent Laker plan to drive us out of our minds.

Don’t fall for it.

At least not for a couple of days yet.

*

Bill Plaschke can be reached at his e-mail address: bill.plaschke@latimes.com.