LAUGH LINES

Royal Treatment: “Apparently . . . the Bush family goes back to England and they think they may be long-lost cousins of the royal family. . . . When reached for comment . . . Queen Elizabeth said that she found it ‘unbelivababable.’ ” (Jay Leno)

Women Power: “Paula Jones just posed in Penthouse for a rumored $1 million. Monica has a British TV show, and Hillary is en route to the Senate. To think we laughed in 1992 when Bill Clinton promised better-paying jobs for women.” (Argus Hamilton)

Highway Robbery at DMV: “Eight people waiting for the driver’s license renewal office in southeast Atlanta to open were robbed at gunpoint. Many of the victims told police that getting robbed was the ‘last thing on their mind’ while standing in line to get their license renewed. . . . That usually comes when you pay your vehicle registration fee!” (Mark Wheeler)

On the Same Level: “A poll of kids, taken by cable TV’s Nickelodeon, shows that . . . youngsters ages 6 to 11 say George W. Bush is their choice for president. . . . That’s largely because they think of Bush as their intellectual equal.” (Ira Lawson)

Sick Leave? No Thanks: “According to the New York Times, Al Gore didn’t call in sick one day. Not once during his eight years as vice president. Well, he would have--but they were never able to come up with a health plan.” (Leno)

Looks Familiar: “The American Academy of Actuaries gave a report on the Social Security reform plans of George W. Bush and Al Gore. It said Gore’s plan is misleading, and Bush’s plan is not all there. Like dogs, [the plans] start to look like their owners.” (Hamilton)

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