Taking a Page Right Out of a Redesigned Book

Woody Paige in the Denver Post: “If I awoke this morning as the new president, the first thing I’d do is straighten out sports:

* “Soccer should be declared the sport of the 3000s so we wouldn’t have to worry about it for a while.

* “Any player who celebrates making a tackle 20 yards down field after a completed pass, when his team is trailing by 35 points, should be sentenced to six months of hard labor--without jewelry.

* “Talk-show caller [and hosts] should have an IQ higher than a muskrat.”

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Trivia time: What do these contributors to the Morning Briefing column have in common: Skip Bayless, Chicago Tribune; Mark Purdy, San Jose Mercury News; Ron Rapoport, Chicago Sun-Times, and Rick Reilly, Sports Illustrated?

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Tongue twister: Tom FitzGerald in the San Francisco Chronicle: “The biggest name in college football? That’s easy. It’s Oklahoma State quarterback Asoteletangafamosili Pogi. Thankfully, he goes by Aso.”

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No longer a Bull market: Rick Telander in the Chicago Sun-Times, on the Michael Jordan-less Bulls: “It has taken fans time to digest the vile-tasting fact: The Bulls are nothing special anymore. Nor are they quite bad enough to be hilarious.

“The Bulls are allegedly rebuilding, but there is no difference between their rebuilding and being bad. Rebuilding hints a certain kind of hopefulness. But this is nothing but boredom.”

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Reviving brother act: From the Gallery column of the San Diego Union-Tribune: “For the first time in 75 years, brothers scored touchdowns in the same NFL game. Wide receivers Willie Jackson of the Saints and Terry Jackson of the 49ers both hit the end zone in Sunday’s game at New Orleans.

“The last time brothers scored touchdowns in the same game was Nov. 20, 1924, when Dutch and Joey Sternaman of the Chicago Bears scored against the Milwaukee Badgers.”

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Worm down under: Rapoport in the Chicago Sun-Times: “Dennis Rodman won’t reveal how much money he’s making to wrestle in Australia next month. Or maybe he just doesn’t know. ‘I don’t really need the money,’ Rodman said. ‘I can live off a couple of thousand dollars a month. It really doesn’t matter to me.’ ”

Reportedly, though, he’s getting six figures for his gig, facing former pro wrestling champion Curt Henning.

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Fish and stay out of jail: The Associated Press reports that through the years, presidential candidates used to find ways to be photographed with fishing poles in their hands as a way of conveying their wholesome common touch.

Herbert Hoover summed it up this way: “Lots of people committed crimes during the year who would not have done so if they had been fishing.”

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No, we can’t: Blackie Sherrod in the Dallas Morning News: “Not only did Bobby Valentine land a whopping Met contract raise, the bubble gum folk would surely pay a big endorsement fee. [Can you imagine Joe Cronin or Connie Mack blowing bubbles in the dugout?]”

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Snooze time: CBS has announced its Super Bowl pregame show will last six hours. David Whitley of the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel asks: “What are they going to show, Game 1 of the World Series?”

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Looking back: On this day in 1990, the Phoenix Suns shattered the NBA record with 107 points in the first half of a 173-143 victory over the Denver Nuggets.

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Trivia answer: They’re former L.A. Times sportswriters.

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And finally: Bernie Lincicome of the Rocky Mountain News, on a press release that he fully expects to show up at his desk this week:

“Hoping to get another title shot at the heavyweight title, Mike Tyson clarified his earlier intemperate promise, pledging not to eat Lennox Lewis’ children after all but to feature each of them in the title role of several road companies of ‘Annie.’ ”