Debating Some Reasons Why Not to Debate

Why do people come unglued when a political candidate refuses to debate?

There are some excellent reasons that candidates should avoid debates.

The most compelling is death. A candidate who has died could turn off undecided voters by showing up at civic forums as a veil of ectoplasm, hammering home each of his points with a shriek and a creaking-door groan.

Likewise, candidates behind bars may be forgiven for skipping debates. Same goes for those with highly infectious, death-dealing, airborne diseases. Nobody wants to go to a discussion on growth and come home with one.

Then there are those candidates who just don’t have the time.

That’s something voters can appreciate, as these days we’re all squeezed for time.

So when I read that Jim Monahan took a pass on a candidates’ forum, was a no-show at one debate and was not planning to attend another, I sympathized. A longtime Ventura City Council member, Monahan is running against Steve Bennett for a seat on Ventura County’s Board of Supervisors.

“My schedule is so full right now I don’t have time to go to the bathroom,” he told a Times reporter, explaining that he preferred connecting with voters by walking the district.

For the record, Monahan later said he will participate in a candidates’ forum Sunday at Temple Beth Torah in Ventura. He also denied referring to debates as “these silly things.”

A campaign spokeswoman suggested that what sounded like “silly” to the reporter may in fact have been “ambient noise” on the cell phone--a plausible explanation but one that sounds a bit ectoplasmic for my tastes.

It’s tough for candidates to make time for everything. You don’t just show up to a debate the way you would to a movie. You’ve got to put in hours of prep time, memorizing dreary answers to predictable questions and rehearsing them studiously, so as to appear natural. It’s all about quick thinking.

In any event, I knew that Monahan might be criticized for saying he didn’t have time to debate, much as ordinary citizens might be criticized for saying they don’t have time to vote.

That’s why I put together a half-dozen more positive-sounding explanations, for use by all candidates who are not dead, incarcerated or terminally ill.

1) “Debate? Call me compassionate, but under no circumstances will I give my opponent another opportunity to embarrass himself. I have to give him high marks for courage, but seeing him up there sweating and stammering and tongue-tied, his eyes as frightened as a head in the deerlights--uh, well, anyway, it pains us all. So no thanks, no debate!”

2) “Debate? Haven’t you heard of family values? If the grown-ups all run out to watch a debate, who will care for the youth? Sure, it’s just a couple of hours--but a couple of hours is all it takes for drugs and alcohol to take root, not to mention pregnancy, violence, rap music and R-rated movies. So, no thanks, no debate! And God bless.”

3) “Debate? I really would, but gosh darn it, that’s the night I think I’m supposed to meet with the Nobel committee. Or is that the night the people from Mother Teresa’s orphanage are dropping by for drinks? Maybe another time?

4) “Debate? Let’s not make the illiteracy problem even worse than it is: Let’s encourage America to read--as in, just read my brochure, OK?”

5) “Debate? Would you subject a fine piece of aged beef to a taste test with a Whopper? And who would bring the ketchup?”

6) “Debate? I have to wash my hair that night. Sorry.”

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Steve Chawkins can be reached at 653-7561 or at steve.chawkins@latimes.com.