A Whole Bunch of Reasons for Hating an All-New York Series

Forty reasons to hate the fact that the World Series is being played between New York and New York:

1. One team has to win.

2. If you think New Yorkers live in “the city that never sleeps,” wait’ll you see them try to stay awake through a 4 1/2-hour baseball game.

3. Not a single New York fan ever remembers to bring a beach ball to the game.

4. An almost total failure by New Yorkers to remember that “Mickey, Willie and the Duke” were actually all inferior to Hank.

5. Hitting, throwing and stealing are a part of New York’s game but usually in the parking lot afterward.

6. Contrary to public belief, Yogi Berra wasn’t smarter than the average bear.

7. The so-called “Shot Heard ‘Round the World” in 1951 by Bobby Thomson was heard principally in the tri-state area.

8. Yankees win the World Series--wow, now there’s something Americans don’t get to see every year.

9. Kids there tell their parents “buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack” just so they’ll have something to throw at the players.

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10. An almost total failure by New Yorkers to remember that Babe Ruth was actually from Baltimore.

11. (And yet so many people there still whine about Hillary Rodham Clinton not being a true New Yorker.)

12. Fans there are often asked to stand for a 7th-inning stickup.

13. New York’s hotels are the only ones in America that even the baseball players themselves can’t afford.

14. Any man who’s never had to sit through that cornball “Pride of the Yankees” movie is truly the luckiest man on the face of the Earth.

15. The only New York Met worth paying money to see is an opera house.

16. Umps are very likely to be bumped off by the Mob after a bad call.

17. An almost total failure by New Yorkers to remember that Jackie Robinson was actually from Pasadena.

18. (See No. 11 above.)

19. Airplanes buzzing overhead every 10 minutes give Shea Stadium all the charm of a 1968 summer’s day in Vietnam.

20. A strong possibility that this will be the most boring contest of 2000 not moderated by Jim Lehrer.

21. Like everybody’s supposed to know who “Shea” is.

22. Fox television’s 10,000 nightly close-ups of Joe Torre and Don Zimmer on the bench, doing absolutely nothing.

23. Both of these teams are undoubtedly of the opinion that poor, misunderstood Darryl Strawberry deserves a seventh chance.

24. “Yankees Go Home” banners are useless--because they already have.

25. An almost total failure by New Yorkers to remember that Joe DiMaggio didn’t live in New York any longer than he had to.

26. Two solid weeks of David Letterman talking about almost nothing else.

27. Obligatory Spike Lee sighting.

28. TV announcers will stress that New York’s fans “are really knowledgeable” about their baseball, a subtle reminder to the rest of you that duh, you wouldn’t know a baseballe from a potatoe.

29. “Let’s look at tonight’s lineup” in New York usually means five guys in a police station, with a witness.

30. Blimp views are going to make it increasingly difficult for TV viewers to spot purse-snatchers.

31. A great catch by Willie Mays many years ago will be shown again and again, as if there haven’t been 10,000 catches just like it.

32. Neither of these teams can hold a candle to Anaheim, where: “We’ve never lost a World Series!”

33. It’s going to be a “Subway Series” because that’s the only way nine-tenths of these fans could save enough money to afford a ticket to the games.

34. The TV guys will keep yapping about some Yankee pitcher called “Elduque” without ever once telling us his first name. Joe Elduque? Bob Elduque?

35. Most of us have enjoyed seeing one pack of New Yorkers pitted against another pack of New Yorkers only once in our entire lives, and that was “West Side Story.”

36. We all know that this is such a sad, sad World Series for every small child in America who dreams of growing up to become a Seattle Mariner.

37. Which one is going get tossed out first--the ceremonial first pitch or the ceremonial first drunk?

38. George Steinbrenner is still the owner of the Yankees, and all we can say about that is, if the island of Manhattan were like the one on “Survivor,” he’d be the first one to be voted off it.

39. You know, the first day of Y2K wasn’t nearly the disaster that NY-NY2K is.

40. OK, Mike Piazza, the joke’s over, you can come on back where you’re supposed to play ball now.

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Mike Downey’s column appears Sundays, Wednesdays and Fridays. Write to: Los Angeles Times, 202 W. 1st St., Los Angeles, CA 90012. E-mail: mike.downey@latimes.com