Just Never Put Them Together in the Booth

Writing on his Web site, “The Accidental Cynic,” media critic Norman Chad offered a directory of what America’s top sportscasters sound like. A sampling:

* Keith Jackson: “Sounds like a steer auctioneer.”

* Bob Costas: “Sounds like the kid in the back of the room in the seventh grade.”

* John Madden: “Sounds like that big, friendly dog that slurps the water out of your toilet bowl.”

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Trivia time: Who was UCLA’s first Olympic gold medalist in track and field?

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Get lost: Fox Sports Net’s Jim Rome, on Richard Williams, father of tennis stars Venus and Serena: “Hey, Richard, you’ve been vindicated. As it turns out, you knew exactly what you were doing in developing two world-class athletes.

“Now go away. It’s their time, not yours. It’s their Grand Slams, not yours. Go find something else to do. Go start a stamp collection.”

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Easy money: Tiger Woods conducted an inner-city golf clinic over the weekend at Norfolk, Va., and when asked if he had ever played golf with Michael Jordan, he replied:

“Actually, I have, and I’ve got some of his money in my golf bag.”

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Up, up and away: Bob Wojnowsky of the Detroit News, on the new Olympic sport of trampoline:

“Is a set of box springs too high a price to fulfill your child’s Olympic dreams? Is a new mattress too large a sacrifice?”

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Don’t tell him: After No. 1 draft pick Courtney Brown of the Cleveland Browns had three sacks against Pittsburgh, he was asked whether he had ever had an inclination to do a sack dance.

“What’s that?” Brown asked.

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Unique therapy: Chicago Cub pitcher Rick Aguilera, on how he will rehabilitate his broken thumb: “I’m going to start thumb wrestling.”

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Happy birthday: Former heavyweight champion Max Schmeling turns 95 this week.

The German boxer knocked out previously unbeaten Joe Louis in the 12th round of their 1936 fight, handing the American his first professional defeat.

Two years later, Louis knocked out Schmeling in the first round of the rematch.

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Anyone can do this: U.S. men’s Olympic basketball Coach Rudy Tomjanovich, on Vince Carter’s dunk over 7-foot-2 French player Frederic Weis on Monday:

“The only time I’ve seen a play like that is when I jumped over my 4-year-old son on one of those Nerf ball sets.”

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Looking back: On this day in 1975, Nolan Cromwell of Kansas rushed for 294 yards--an NCAA record for a quarterback--in a 20-0 victory over Oregon State.

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Looking back again: On this day in 1996, San Francisco Giant outfielder Barry Bonds became the second player to hit 40 home runs and steal 40 bases in a season. (Jose Canseco was the first.)

Bonds, who had 42 homers, stole his 40th base in a 9-3 victory over the Colorado Rockies.

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Trivia answer: Cy Young in the javelin in the 1952 Games in Helsinki, Finland.

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And finally: Jerry Greene in the Orlando (Fla.) Sentinel: “Urgent memo to all Olympic athletes: if any of you have ever had a serious disease or injury but have not been interviewed by NBC, please report to [Dick] Ebersol.”