No Question It Will Be Major Pain to Mickelson

A sand wedge-lob look at the news while wondering where to sign up for the Shingo Katayama fan club and how Phil Mickelson is going to get through the winter months.

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News item: David Toms wins the 83rd PGA championship.

Second thought: Spectacular drama, but you wonder how many of these chances Mickelson is going to let slip away.

You can’t say the golf gods weren’t with Phil. His tee shot on the par-four 16th hit a tree and bounced into the fairway, but Mickelson still made the bogey that cost him the tournament.

Mickelson remains the best player never to win a major. The tag sticks to him like his shirt to his back in the Georgia sun. He has to live with it until he returns to Georgia in April for the Masters, when reporters will once again tee up the question Mickelson doesn’t want to answer.

That’s the way it goes in sports.

Ask David Duval.

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News item: NFL issues its fun-filled, fact-packed kickoff press release.

Second thought: Oh, how I eagerly await this annual mailbox delivery. My favorite section is the “2001 New Coaches Questionnaires.” Where else could you learn that first-year Washington Redskin Coach Marty Schottenheimer’s favorite food is meatloaf?

Don’t think NFL coaches aren’t real men, either.

In the category of “Last Book Read,” seven of the eight new coaches list books on either football or war. The exception is Buffalo Bill Coach Gregg Williams, obviously a quiche eater, who is coming off a summer read of “Riptide,” a treasure-hunt page-turner set off the coast of Maine.

Add thought: We also learn from the NFL release that first-year Cleveland Brown Coach Butch Davis earned a bachelor’s degree in biology, taught high school and has a passion for anatomy.

No shock there. Didn’t he rip the hearts out of University of Miami fans when he bolted for Cleveland?

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News item: Dallas Cowboys release quarterback Tony Banks eight days after Coach Dave Campo states, “We feel the team can win and the experience of Tony Banks can help us win.”

Second thought: In a tough-stance, take-charge, I’m-running-the-show move, Campo changed his mind on Banks just about the time owner Jerry Jones did.

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News item: Boston Red Sox fire Jimy Williams on Aug. 16.

Second thought: “Curse of the Bambino” buffs note Aug. 16 was the 53rd anniversary of Babe Ruth’s death.

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News item: NFL exhibition game between Philadelphia Eagles and Baltimore Ravens canceled after new artificial turf is deemed unplayable.

Second thought: Longtime football experts say it was the worst rug they’d seen on a field since the days of Howard Cosell.

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News item: Earl Anthony, six-time bowler of the year and and winner of 41 pro titles, dies in Milwaukee at 63.

Second thought: It’s any Saturday afternoon in the 1970s. I’m half asleep on the couch. Chris Schenkel, the human sedative, has turned my eyelids to anvils. I awaken to the sound of rolling thunder and the crash of pins.

My eyes open wide. Anthony wins again.

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News item: Overly impressed with Tiger Woods’ ability to cope under the scrutiny and pressure of being golf’s brightest celebrity, one television commentator says, “It’s not easy being Tiger.”

Second thought: I know a few million of us who’d love to give it a shot.

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News item: Dodger reliever Jesse Orosco, 44, could be forced to disabled list because of back injury, says he’s never experienced a similar injury in 22 big league seasons.

Second thought: Just curious, but in how many of those other seasons was he 44?

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News item: After pitching two scoreless innings in his first outing in six years, Cincinnati Red pitcher Jose Rijo says, “No moment could beat this moment today, until I die and go to heaven and meet Jesus.”

Second thought: Actually, we hear Jesus was looking for a little more hop on Rijo’s fastball.

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News item: Former New York Jet defensive lineman Mark Gastineau is arrested in Sedona, Ariz., for speeding, then found to have an outstanding warrant for possession of narcotics equipment.

Second thought: I only wish the arresting officer could have been Jackie Slater.

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News item: People Magazine names Oakland Raider Coach Jon Gruden one of its “50 Most Beautiful People.”

Second thought: Best line on this subject emerged from a Raiders’ staff dinner, at which defensive coordinator Bill Callahan quipped to Gruden: “You’re not even one of the 50 best-looking people in this restaurant.”

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News item: Scientists continue research on human cloning.

Second thought: Isn’t it rich, aren’t we a pair, Shaq on the ground, Shaq in midair. Send in the clones.

Should mankind proceed down this astonishing path, we might soon be able to tab Major League Baseball’s next All-Century team.

I haven’t nailed down all the position players, but my outfield is set. Center field: Willie Mays. Left field: Willie Mays. Right field: Willie Mays. My four starting pitchers: Sandy Koufax, Sandy Koufax, Sandy Koufax and Sandy Koufax.

* News item: Sports-talk host Lee Hamilton is forced to resign as Minnesota Vikings’ play-by-play announcer because of racially insensitive comments he made in the past.

Second thought: From the Canadian border to the Baja Coast, I want to talk ambush journalism with you.

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News item: Kirby Puckett bobblehead dolls stolen from truck at Metrodome.

Second thought: Police have rounded up the usual suspects: Howdy Dowdy, Lambchop, GI Joe and the notorious Cabbage Patch kids.