Finishes With Some Audibles

Tonight, ABC tackles greatness, daring to air a remake of “Brian’s Song” (1971), the Gale Sayers of football movies. Thanks for nothing, ABC. If you really wanted to help us out, you could have remade, with entirely different endings, any of the following....

The Los Angeles Rams-Eric Dickerson Negotiations (1987): This time, the Rams agree to pay Dickerson what he wants and he plays out his career as a Ram alongside Jim Everett, who would never have developed Steve Sax/Chuck Knoblauch disease had Dickerson stuck around to lighten the load. Together, they end the 49er dynasty, reel off three or four Super Bowls, keep Anaheim Stadium sold out deep into the ‘90s and give Georgia Frontiere and John Shaw no reason or leverage to move. Everett’s jersey is retired, the Rams remodel the Big Ed without those god-awful fake rocks and in 2001, Anaheim changes its name to Kurtwarnerville.

Super Bowl XXV (1991): This time, Scott Norwood splits the uprights. Give the guy a break already. Him and the city of Buffalo.

Super Bowl XX (1986): This time, Mike Ditka gives the ball to Walter Payton, the main show, instead of Refrigerator Perry, the freak show.

Miami at Chicago (1985): This time, the Bears beat the Dolphins en route to a 19-0 season. To, if nothing else, finally shut up Nick Buoniconti about the 1972 Dolphins.

The Peyton Manning-Ryan Leaf Draft (1998): Suppose San Diego had traded up and drafted Manning, who would begin his NFL career on a team that knows how to tackle. That would leave Indianapolis with Leaf. See how Jim Mora would like that.

The Tim Couch-Donovan McNabb-Akili Smith-Daunte Culpepper-Shaun King-Aaron Brooks Draft (1999): Just to give Cincinnati another crack at it.

A Christmas Carol In Baltimore (1983): In which Colt owner Robert Irsay is visited in his sleep by the Ghost of NFL Future, who shows him frightening images of an empty, decaying Memorial Stadium, a salivating Art Modell, tens of thousands of Dawg Pounders howling as the Browns pull out of Cleveland and Ray Lewis hoisting the Super Bowl MVP trophy. Shaken to his core, Irsay cancels the moving trucks and on March 31, 1984, agrees to a 30-year lease extension with the city of Baltimore.

Detroit Searches For A New Coach (1997): This time around, just before shaking hands with Bobby Ross, William Clay Ford gets a brainstorm: “Maybe I’d better run this past Barry first.” Goodbye, Bobby. Hello, Barry Sanders. Goodbye to Payton’s all-time rushing record. Hello, winning record in 2001.

Heidi (1968): Talk to NBC, get them to cancel the thing, no one misses a second of the Raiders’ incredible 43-32 victory. (Editor’s note: Dissenting vote cast by New York Jets.)

NFC Championship Game, Rams vs. Vikings (1974).

NFC Championship Game, Rams vs. Cowboys (1975).

NFC Championship Game, Rams vs. Vikings (1976).

NFC Championship Game, Rams vs. Cowboys (1978).

Take your pick. Any one of them.

TOP 10 MOVIES EVER MADE ABOUT PRO FOOTBALL

Again, what could ABC have been thinking ...

1. “Brian’s Song” (1971). Take another look and tell me which has held up better after 30 years, this or “Monday Night Football?”

2. “The Longest Yard” (1974). Post-pro football, anyway. Burt Reynolds, as a former NFL quarterback, is serving time in prison and is ordered by evil warden Eddie Albert to organize a team of inmates for a football game against the guards. “You mean, we get to hit the guards?!?” Featuring Ray Nitschke, Joe Kapp and a climactic game far more entertaining than any Super Bowl.

3. “North Dallas Forty” (1979). “You had better learn how to play the game, and I don’t just mean the game of football,” Mac Davis tells Nick Nolte, who plays a wide receiver who quickly discovers the seamy side of pro football. Based on a novel by former Dallas wide receiver Peter Gent, the film was denounced by the Cowboys, as good a seal of approval as Gent ever could have hoped for.

4. “Paper Lion” (1968). Alan Alda plays George Plimpton, a sportswriter hoping to train and play with a professional football team and write a book about his experiences. Turned away, he settles instead for the Detroit Lions.

5. “Weapons of Mass Distraction” (1997). Ben Kingsley and Gabriel Byrne are billionaire media moguls bidding to buy the same NFL team and will stop at nothing--resorting to blackmail, chicanery, duplicity and all sorts of unmentionable underhanded tactics. Not technically a documentary.

6. “Semi-Tough” (1978). Reynolds again, this time aided and abetted by Kris Kristofferson. Would rank higher if it had been as funny as the book.

7. “Everybody’s All-American” (1988). More about college football than pro, the movie follows Dennis Quaid’s Gavin Gray as he goes on to a successful career as a Washington Redskin running back, followed by a not-so-successful comeback with the Denver Broncos. The 49ers give thanks that Garrison Hearst either never saw this one or didn’t pay much attention.

8. “Heaven Can Wait” (1978). Warren Beatty plays a pro quarterback who dies too soon and is reincarnated as a billionaire who buys the Los Angeles Rams, gives himself a spot on the roster and leads the team to a Super Bowl showdown against Pittsburgh. Many hopeful fans in Los Angeles viewed this as an omen at the time, especially when the real Rams played the real Steelers in the 1980 Super Bowl. No happy ending that time, though.

9. “Jerry Maguire” (1996). Very popular with fans of the Arizona Cardinals, I understand.

10. “Number One” (1969). Charlton Heston is an aging quarterback who hangs on one season too long with the New Orleans Saints, then in their infancy. Movie ends with Heston crumpled on the football field after a brutal hit, helmet knocked free, blood streaming from his ear. Coming attractions for Archie Manning, in other words.

DETROIT LIONS: CHASING HISTORY

The quest: To become the first NFL team to finish a season 0-16.

Credentials to date: 0-10, with a chance to equal the club’s worst start, in 1942, when the Lions went 0-11 over an entire season, scoring a total of 38 points.

Next defeat: Today at Chicago.

Odds for success: Much better after surviving a 27-29 near-miss against Green Bay on Thanksgiving. Lions’ next five games are at Chicago, at Tampa Bay, at home to Minnesota, at Pittsburgh, at home to Chicago.

Potential obstacles: Only the regular-season finale, at home to Dallas.

Historical footnote: In 1942, the Lions played the Bears twice and failed to score a point, being outscored by a cumulative margin of 58-0.