Easy Gum, Easy Go: A Takeo TKO

Today’s main card in the NFL: Cincinnati Bengal linebacker Takeo Spikes vs. the Baltimore Ravens in the AFC Central Trash-Talk Championship Final.

Background: It all started with a seemingly innocuous comment made by Pittsburgh Steeler running back Jerome Bettis, who told a national magazine that Spikes was just as good as Raven All-Pro Ray Lewis but lacked Lewis’ supporting cast. Somehow, Lewis construed Bettis’ remark to be an insult of some sort, resulting in an exhaustive barrage of words that spilled over into the pregame buildup for today’s Bengal-Raven encounter.

The combatants are in their corners, the judges are at ringside. Bell rings!

ROUND ONE

Lewis, a few days before last Sunday’s Steeler-Raven game at Baltimore: “Jerome saying Takeo Spikes is better than me? Let’s go find out. They have to come here in three, four days regardless of what’s coming out of their mouths. Tell him to tape that groin up and come see me at PSINet.”

Spikes, a week later: “Last I checked, we’re 1-0 against the Baltimore Ravens. They were making statements that ‘Jerome must have been insane when he said that. He must have had a concussion.’ Hello, we’re 1-0. They must be insane.”

Judges’ analysis: Both arguments marred by faulty logic and, in Lewis’ case, shoddy fact-checking. Bettis said Spikes was “as good” as Lewis, not “better.” Points deducted there. Bettis did not play last Sunday at PSINet. Steelers still won, 26-21. Points deducted there. Cincinnati is 1-0 against Baltimore, true, and that has absolutely nothing to do with the comparative analysis of the abilities of Lewis and Spikes as functioning NFL linebackers. Points deducted there. Spikes later undermined his rebuttal by conceding, “We’re out of the playoffs. They’re still fighting. All the pressure’s on them.” Points deducted there. A decade of research has proved, conclusively, that no team playing the Bengals in late December ever feels any pressure.

Winner: Negative scores all around. Draw.

ROUND TWO

Raven tight end Shannon Sharpe, weighing in on the Lewis-Spikes debate: “That’s like saying, ‘Dude, Where’s My Car’ is just as good as ‘Titanic.’ At some point in time, you’ve got to be realistic. I don’t mean no respect to Takeo, because Takeo Spikes is a great football player, but he’s not Ray Lewis. Let’s not fool ourselves.”

Spikes: “OK, since he wants to be Siskel and Ebert and rate movies, I’ll rate this movie. I see him as if he were the movie ‘Bring It On.’ He’s nothing but a cheerleader. That’s what he does best, bump his gums.”

Judges’ analysis: Sharpe does his argument, and Lewis, no favors by referencing “Titanic,” a film that featured some nice special effects and some A-list Hollywood stars and should have been subtitled, “Dude, Where’s My Script?” Spikes counters impressively with the Ebert analogy and a humorous closing 1-2 jab.

Winner: Spikes.

ROUND THREE

Spikes: “My thing is if you’re the best, you don’t need to go around bumping your gums about it. Actions speak louder than words.”

Raven Coach Brian Billick: “I’d like to have them both. How about that combination? I’m biased. That’s like [asking], ‘Is my daughter better-looking than your daughter?’ Ray is the most incredible defensive athlete I’ve ever been around. Takeo is an outstanding linebacker and the heart and soul of what they do defensively in Cincinnati. They’re one of the better defenses in the league. And he has the same type of potential Ray has already proven.”

Judges’ analysis: Gums bumping was funny once; here, Spikes goes to the well once too often. Billick deftly deflects Spikes’ momentum with diplomatic counter-praise, the work of a master craftsman at the peak of his game.

Winner: Ravens.

ROUND FOUR

Spikes, on Sharpe, Lewis’ close friend and frequent apologist: “The thing that really got me going was his little sidekick, Shannon Sharpe.”

Sharpe: “I’m not going to get into a sparring match with Takeo Spikes.”

Judge’s analysis: Sharpe borrows famous rope-a-dope defensive technique of Muhammad Ali, suggesting Sharpe has seen an early screening of “Ali,” another movie that is better than “Titanic.” No points for originality. Spikes right on target with his “little sidekick” assessment, as anyone watching Sharpe tag along behind Lewis during the last Super Bowl week will attest.

Winner: Spikes.

ROUND FIVE

Spikes, on Raven quarterback Elvis Grbac: “Elvis is my man. That’s my man, that’s my man. One o’clock on Sunday. I’ll be a mad dog in a meat house. Time to eat. If it’s a pass play, Elvis. Guaranteed.”

Grbac: “No comment.”

Judges’ analysis: Ravens resort to rope-a-dope again. Spikes is all over him, charging hard, pounding relentlessly. Unlike Foreman in Zaire, he shows no signs of tiring. Time to eat, indeed.

Winner, and new champion: Spikes.

As for today’s game: Sorry, Takeo, can’t help you there.

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SPEAKING OF PLAYING OUT THE STRING ...

Heading into the 15th week of the season, 23 of 31 teams still remained mathematically viable for the playoffs. Which give rise to the immediate question: What happened to the other eight?

1. Detroit Lions (1-12)

Where it went bad: The sins of William Clay Ford’s previous life. Before last Sunday’s 27-24 victory over Minnesota, the Lions had lost 12 in a row--the last nine by margins of five, three, four, eight, three, seven, two, three and three points. Cosmic payback is a bear.

2. Carolina Panthers (1-12)

Where it went bad: Season-opening 24-13 victory at Minnesota. Overconfidence.

3. Buffalo Bills (2-11)

Where it went bad: The off-season. Ralph Wilson fires General Manager John Butler, who relocates to San Diego, brings several of the Bills’ top players with him, hangs up “Buffalo West” shingle.

4. Cincinnati Bengals (4-9)

Where it went bad: Sept. 30. Bengals are 3-0 heading to San Diego, and commissioning work on life-size Jon Kitna statue. Bengals lose to Chargers, 28-14, and pretty much everything after that.

5. Kansas City Chiefs (4-9)

Where it went bad: Training camp. Dick Vermeil shows up with an ex-St. Louis Ram quarterback, not the right one.

6. Dallas Cowboys (4-9)

Where it went bad: April 9. Troy Aikman announces his retirement.

7. Jacksonville Jaguars (5-8)

Where it went bad: Sept. 23. Jaguars are 1-0 after a home win over Steelers, en route to 2-0 when Fred Taylor injures groin in 13-6 win over Tennessee. Goodbye Freddie, goodbye playoffs.

8. San Diego Chargers (5-9)

Where it went bad: Training camp. Equipment manager forgets to buy enough batteries for Doug Flutie.