Some Matchups Are in the Stars

T wo weeks to go, 16 teams still in contention for the Super Bowl. Some possible matchups and their entertainment potential, rated from five stars on down ... .

* * * * * Rams-Raiders: Super Bowl week would be a mess, as the same media throng that canonized last year’s Raven defense continues to humiliate the profession by rehashing all the old lies about why the Rams and Raiders supposedly left L.A. But the game itself could be interesting--Kurt Warner, Rich Gannon, Marshall Faulk, Jerry Rice--and the postgame ceremony would be a hoot. Ram owner Georgia Frontiere, on the victory stand: “I’m so happy to have won two Ernie Lombardi trophies! This proves that we were right when we changed the colors of our uniforms!” Given his turn in front of the microphone, the Raiders’ Al Davis says he plans to sue.

* * * * * Giants-Jets: Too much is stacked against it--e.g., Kerry Collins reaching successive title games, Vinny Testaverde getting there once--but if there ever was a right time for a Subway Super Bowl ...

* * * * * 49ers-Raiders: The Rice Bowl. Added attraction: Losing coach leaves town, heads to South Bend.

* * * * Rams-Steelers: Three-ring offense vs. no-nonsense defense, Rams vs. Jerome Bettis, “Heaven Can Wait” revisited, pregame interviews with Nolan Cromwell that ask, “So what were you thinking when you dropped that interception with a clear path to the end zone in the 1980 Super Bowl?”

* * * * Packers-Raiders: Another Super Bowl rematch. Green Bay beat Oakland, 33-14, in the second one. Davis is still bitter about it.

* * * * Eagles-Steelers: All Pennsylvania, all defense, all field goals. I fear for Pittsburgh.

* * * * Buccaneers-Dolphins: All Florida, all defense, all Jay Fiedler

* * * 1/2Packers-Steelers: Old-time football, eh? Docked half a star for playing on artificial turf. Docked another half for playing indoors. Docked another half for no John Facenda.

* * * Packers-Patriots: Patriots, trying to avenge their 35-21 loss in the 1997 Super Bowl, like their chances, noting that Desmond Howard now plays for Detroit.

* * * Rams-Ravens: While football fans in Los Angeles and Cleveland toast the contestants, Mike Martz and Brian Billick entertain the media by comparing SAT scores.

* * * 49ers-Dolphins: Dan Marino gives his old team a pregame pep talk: “I played 17 years in this league and made it to the Super Bowl only once, in 1985 against the 49ers.” Dolphins sit in silence, mulling that one over a while. Thoroughly depressed, they go out there and lose, 38-16.

* * * 49ers-Steelers: I believe you can play this one on certain computers. If you contain Franco Harris and isolate Dwight Clark on a single cornerback, Joe Montana beats Terry Bradshaw every time.

* * * Rams-Dolphins: Warner, undrafted Arena League refugee, opposes Fiedler, undrafted World League refugee, for the championship of professional football while Cade McNown, the 12th player chosen in the 1999 draft, sits and watches. There’s a lesson, or a dozen, in there somewhere.

* * Eagles-Raiders: Another Super Bowl rematch.

Oakland beat Philadelphia, 27-10, in the 1981 game. Davis still bitter it wasn’t by more.

* * Buccaneers-Jets: Keyshawn Johnson, who used to score touchdowns when he played for the Jets, holds a tearful pregame news conference to apologize for all the bad things he has said.

* * Buccaneers-Ravens: Tony Dungy and Billick shake hands and talk a bit during Media Day.

Dungy tells Billick he couldn’t be happier with Brad Johnson. Billick tells Dungy he couldn’t be happier with Elvis Grbac. Dungy looks at Billick.

Billick looks at Dungy.

“Wanna trade?” they ask at the same time.

* * Bears-Steelers: Anyone claiming to have bet this matchup before the season is hereby eliminated from the Notre Dame coaching search.

* * Bears-Dolphins: Bears attempt to avenge their only defeat during 18-1 1985 season. And say hello to McNown while they’re at it.

* * Buccaneers-Steelers: Just watch the kickers. Kris Brown misses a 34-yard field-goal attempt and buries his head in his hands. Martin Gramatica converts an extra point and turns cartwheels until he crashes hard into the goalpost, causing the uprights to shake uncontrollably for the next three minutes, causing Brown to miss a 33-yard field-goal attempt.

* * Packers-Seahawks: Mike Sherman and Mike Holmgren get together for dinner, but this time, Holmgren, remembering the Ahman Green and Matt Hasselbeck deals, orders mineral water.

* * Giants-Raiders: Oakland gets another crack at New York, this time without Derek Jeter.

* Giants-Seahawks: Seattle gets another crack at New York, just as Lou Piniella promised.

* Bears-Patriots: Drew Bledsoe finally gets off the bench to take a couple snaps as Patriots showcase the veteran quarterback for his next team.

* Bears-Ravens: Dr. Frankenstein, look at what you have created.

1/2 Giants-Ravens: Nevermore.