It’s Thought That Counts For Gifted Athletes

Rick Morrissey of the Chicago Tribune has some holiday gifts for people in the sports world:

* “To Tiger Woods: Give me a second. I’ll think of something. A Nike toaster oven, maybe?”

* “To the Minnesota Twins: many more years of baseball and the contraction of owner Carl Pohlad right out of the Twin Cities.”

* “To NHL players: your two front teeth.”

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Trivia time: Who holds the Laker record for points scored in a game?

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Maladjusted family: Scott Ostler of the San Francisco Chronicle, anticipating the big sports stories of 2002:

* “George O’Leary marries Rosie Ruiz and they adopt Danny Almonte.

* “A weeping Dick Vermeil announces that he is retiring from football because of dehydration.

* “The Knute Rockne legend at Notre Dame takes a hit when a researcher finds proof that George Gipp’s dying request was for a pepperoni pizza. ‘Rock, call Golden Dome Pizza and tell them to spin one for the Gipper.”’

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How about Huckleberry Hound?: When Miami Hurricane cornerback Markese Fitzgerald started looking for a nickname for teammate Ed Reed, he searched for the perfect cartoon character.

He needed someone old and wise because Reed is the oldest player on the team and always makes smart decisions.

So Fitzgerald settled on Papa Smurf, the little blue creature with a knack for getting others out of difficult situations.

“It’s really appropriate because if anybody ever had a problem they would go to Papa Smurf,” Fitzgerald said. “And that’s the same for us with Edward. On and off the field, he can get people out of jams. Everything he does, everything about him says leader.”

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Worm wins: Dennis Rodman is the most disruptive athlete in the last 10 years, according to ESPN.com. Rodman was followed by John Rocker, Randy Moss, Rasheed Wallace, Albert Belle, Carl Everett, Roy Tarpley, Terrell Owens, Bob Probert and Bobby Bonilla.

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Riches to rags: Tampa Bay defensive tackle Warren Sapp, like others, can’t figure out his inconsistent team: “I’m living it. I’m shocked. There have been nights I’ve beaten my head against the wall at 4 in the morning. We do the same things. We practice the same way.... We’ll be playing well and it’s like a switch goes off and we’re playing like trash.”

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Nate isn’t laughing: Former major leaguer John Kruk, commenting on Nate Newton getting pulled over for marijuana possession: “Hey, Nate, I hear the Dallas Cowboys are going to retire your number: 85J9302.”

* Looking back: On this day in 1991, UCLA defeated Illinois, 6-3, in the no-touchdown (yawn) John Hancock Bowl at El Paso.

* Trivia answer: Elgin Baylor, 71, against the New York Knicks on Nov. 15, 1960.

* And finally: Woody Paige of the Denver Post, paying tribute to Avalanche goalie Patrick Roy on reaching 500 regular-season victories (and counting): “Roy with a stick is like Toscanini with a baton, Rubens with a brush, Blackbeard with a sword, Milton with a fountain pen. On most nights, he takes more shots than Bonnie and Clyde’s car--and not only lives, but wins.”