JOSE, CAN YOU PITCH?

It took the Angels three months, but they finally found their pitcher.

Big right-hander. Throws hard. Working on eight years’ rest.

His 27.00 lifetime earned-run average doesn’t seem much worse than Pat Rapp’s.

A fly ball that once bounced off his head and into the stands proved he can field like most pitchers.

That his only pitching appearance resulted in a completely torn elbow makes him perfect for the Angels.

Welcome to town, Jose Canseco.

What’s that?

He’s joining the American League’s best power-hitting team as a power hitter?

Now that’s funny.

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You know Disney. This surely must be part of a plan.

Disney’s California Adventure theme park, opening next door to Disneyland next month, already features fake beaches, a fake Hollywood back lot and a fake wine country.

Up next, a fake baseball team.

Anybody who has visited Edison Field the last two years can just see it . . .

The Angels will be on display in a faux old-fashioned stadium near the giant Ferris wheel.

Supermen Troy Glaus and Tim Salmon will belt balls into outfield bleachers filled with fedora-wearing cardboard fans.

Gritty Darin Erstad will work a sliding pit that leaves customers breathless and dusty.

Cuddly Mo Vaughn will waddle around hugging children and posing for pictures.

Weathered Mike Scioscia will sit next to a belching hot stove telling Tom Lasorda stories.

Lots of fun and fantasy and fireworks.

Everything, really, but pitchers.

Pitchers are boring. Pitchers don’t sell.

Customers don’t want to imagine themselves in a 1-0 game. Who wants to throw a game-winning pitch when you can hit a game-winning dinger?

You know Disney. This must be the only reason it spent the winter supposedly looking for arms and wound up trading one of the team’s best, Seth Etherton.

This must be why it acquired only Rapp and the wreck of the Ismael Valdes.

And now, 446-homer guy Jose Canseco.

Nothing wrong with that, as long as he can pitch.

“My pitching days are over,” he protested Tuesday in a conference call.

Oh.

Well, OK, so we’ll forget about how, on May 29, 1993, while with the Texas Rangers, he made one of the more spectacular pitching debuts in baseball history.

He entered in the eighth inning with the Rangers trailing the Boston Red Sox, 12-1.

He walked the bases loaded, then gave up two hits and three runs, and left after throwing only 12 strikes among 33 pitches.

“I left all my good stuff in the bullpen,” Canseco said at the time.

It was later determined he had completely torn his elbow during that one inning. He underwent surgery and was lost for the season.

He has experienced only one healthy season since.

“I can pitch underhand softball, that’s about it,” he said Tuesday.

Which means--sigh--he will be the Angels’ designated hitter.

Which is like saying the Lakers just signed a designated shooter.

The Angels need more hitting the way “It’s a Small World” needs another big-eyed urchin.

“I don’t see a downside to this, I really don’t see it,” said Bill Stoneman, general manager.

The deal, by itself, is fine.

The Angels don’t pay Canseco big money unless he plays most of the games. As recently as 1998, playing in 151 games, he produced on a grand scale, with 46 homers and 107 runs batted in for the Toronto Blue Jays.

He could sell a few tickets. He could arrange a few curtain calls.

The problem, though, is what Canseco cannot do.

One must excuse Angel fans who, starved for a main course, must feel as if they were just served another dessert.

Canseco doesn’t help the team with the league’s fewest shutouts, fewest strikeouts and second-most home runs allowed.

He helps the league’s best slugging percentage. He doesn’t help the league’s ninth-worst ERA.

He doesn’t give them the nine wins they needed to qualify for last year’s playoffs. Only a veteran pitcher or two can do that.

“I know offensively, we are strong enough,” Canseco said. “But I’m not too familiar with the pitching staff.”

Who is?

I thought Etherton, with a 5-1 record, was one of the Angels’ best young arms. But he was traded to the Cincinnati Reds for a minor league shortstop.

I thought the Angels would need a veteran such as Mike Hampton or Mike Mussina--or at least Rick Reed--to lead a pitching staff that is still growing.

But apparently Ramon Ortiz, Jarrod Washburn and Scott Schoeneweis are the veterans.

Even though, last year, none of them threw more than 200 innings or won more than eight games.

“The way I look at it, there’s enough quality there to win,” Stoneman said of his pitching staff.

“I’m not saying we have the top pitching staff in the league, but what I am saying is, there is enough quality here, if healthy, that the Angels could be one tough club. A contending club.”

A California adventure indeed.

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Bill Plaschke can be reached at his e-mail address: bill.plaschke@latimes.com.

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ALSO

The Angels signed Jose Canseco to a deal, adding to a lineup that could be minus Tim Salmon by July. D8

(BEGIN TEXT OF INFOBOX / INFOGRAPHIC)

Damaged, but Good

Year-by-year look at Jose Canseco’s injuries:

* 2000--Sat out 46 games while on the disabled list May 25-July 18 because of a strained left heel.

* 1999--Underwent back surgery July 11 to repair a herniated disk. Was on DL from July 10-Aug. 19, sitting out 35 games.

* 1998--Sat out 12 games in June and July because of back spasms but did not miss a game after the All-Star break.

* 1997--Had one at-bat from July 30-Aug. 9 and went on the DL retroactive to Aug. 1 because of lower back spasms. Activated Aug. 20 but returned to the DL on Aug. 27 until the end of the season.

* 1996--Was on DL twice. His first stay, April 24-May 9, was because of a strained right hip flexor. He injured his back during batting practice July 26 and had surgery to remove fragments Aug. 1, remaining on the DL until Sept. 17 because of a ruptured disk.

* 1995--Played only 12 games before he went on the DL on May 17 because of a right groin strain. Aggravated a rib injury during batting practice May 25 and was out until June 20.

* 1993--After his first major league appearance as a pitcher (one inning) May 29, he started only one of the next 10 games because of back and right forearm/elbow problems. Started from June 11-19 but had continued soreness and was put on the 15-day DL June 24. Was diagnosed June 28 with a complete tear of the ulnar collateral ligament in his right elbow. Season-ending surgery was performed July 9 in Los Angeles, during which time a tendon from his right forearm was used as a graft to reconstruct the ligament.

* 1992--Was on the DL from July 1-16 because a sore right shoulder.

* 1990--Sat out 31 games because of a slightly protruding disk in his back. In his first at-bat off the DL on June 23, was hit by a pitch on the wrist, which turned into a nagging injury.

* 1989--Sat out the first half of the season (88 games) because of a stress fracture of the hook of the hamate bone in his left hand, which required surgery May 10.

Source: Tampa Bay Devil Ray 2000 media guide and published reports.