Never Let the Lakers Say He Didn’t Offer to Help

When I heard someone had scored 100 points in a game the other night, naturally I assumed it came against the Lakers--not knowing at the time it was some kid in New Jersey playing in a high school game.

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NOW I’VE NEVER made a big deal out of the fact that I know more than Phil Jackson, although I would point out that I am the coach for the seventh- and eighth-grade girls’ basketball team at St. Francis of Assisi in Yorba Linda, and playing in the always tough “A League,” with appropriate defensive adjustments in last week’s game, we limited the opposition to 11 points.

And of course we won--by a point.

Now I can draw up a scheme where you keep the ball away from the other team’s best player and give it to Phil, but let’s be honest, he doesn’t seem to be doing any coaching at the present time.

“He wants us to be able to figure it out,” Brian Shaw said.

OK, so maybe the deal is Jerry Buss is paying the guy $6 million a year to date his daughter--I can relate to that--that’s how I first met my father-in-law.

But Phil, as one coach speaking to another, sooner or later don’t you have to blow the whistle and get to work?

Let’s start with Shaquille O’Neal--the big baby, and if he was as committed to practicing free-throw shooting as he is to pouting, no one would even notice Phil lounging on the bench and winking at Jeanie.

Find a blanky big enough for the big baby, give him a binky and let’s get on with it. I mean if one of my girls were to ever act like this, I’d plant her on the bench until graduation--even Katie, my best player, and she’s the only one who knows how to dribble.

Maybe this will help. I like to ask the girls every so often this question: “Who is always right?” Let me tell you, they’re getting pretty good at answering in unison, and I must say they’ve picked it up a lot faster than Mike Garrett and Kevin Malone.

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MY FEAR AS a fellow coach, of course, is this is all out of Phil’s hands now because Shaq has read, “Mind Games,” an unauthorized biography of Phil’s life, and Shaq realizes now Phil will never crack down on Kobe.

It’s right there in the book.

I mean, how’s a guy like Phil, who brought the house down at a critical point in the North Dakota state high school championship with a dramatic dunk--knowing full well that a dunk was illegal in those days--going to tell Kobe to stop showboating?

“They disallowed the basket,” Jim Smile, an assistant coach for Jackson’s high school team at the time, says in the book.

As if Shaq really needed to read this: Jackson’s team not only went on to win the state championship game, but in Kobe Bryant I’ll-be-damned-if-I’ll-tone-my-game-down fashion, Jackson was named most valuable player.

Obviously this revelation would have left Shaq dumbfounded, and anyone who has ever been dumbfounded knows it is a condition that renders you unable to speak with the media. For all we know, he may never be able to talk again. He has gone six days so far, and now comes word he canceled his highly advertised appearance today with ESPN-1110’s Joe McDonnell and Doug Krikorian--I remember being a little kid myself and reading Krikorian.

Now you’ve probably seen something akin to a dumbfounded look on Shaq’s face before, but for some reason he seems unable to overcome this episode.

If it’s not that, I’d hate to think it’s something so petty and childish as Shaq wanting to take his ball and go home because things are different than last year, or wanting to shove it down everyone’s throat that he’s the man.

If that were the case, then I’d have to think you would come to the conclusion that Bryant is maturing as a basketball superstar, while Shaq is regressing. You might even say that a year ago the big baby was playing like a big kid, and the fun he was having along with the defensive intensity, and desire to smite everything that got in his way, propelled the Lakers to greatness.

And everyone knows when Shaq is all happy and haughty, the big kid’s a delight to be around.

When he’s not--it’s almost dumbfounding what a big baby he can be.

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I KNOW WHAT’S going to happen now. The way the women’s teams at UCLA and USC are playing, I’m going to get calls to help the coaches. I’m afraid, however, I am no miracle worker.

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I LIKE THE idea that the Supreme Court is going to get involved in the game of golf, and knowing the justices’ sense of fair play, I expect them to allow everyone but Tiger Woods to use a golf cart.

I wouldn’t be surprised if they also issue a ruling demanding that Woods play left-handed to give everyone else a fair chance to compete.

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CALL ME A traditionalist, but I’m opposed to the idea of college athletes forming a union. I still like the idea of athletes being paid below the table.

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AS SOON AS Ohio State got a good look at Jon Gruden’s “three inches and a cloud of dust” offensive plan of attack against Baltimore, the Buckeyes made a run for him.

The Buckeyes had an airplane seat reserved for him, but I’m guessing Gruden chose to remain with the Raiders rather than place himself in the position of having one of Al Davis’ men offer to take him for a ride . . . to the airport.

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ACCORDING TO A story in USA Today, Ray Lewis’ No. 52 jersey is now a big seller, and wouldn’t you like your son adopting him as his role model? Me, I wonder what his number was while he was sitting in jail.

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TODAY’S LAST WORD comes in an e-mail from Mike:

“Responding to your enlightening idea of putting a blue light at the ball yard to let everyone know they’ve signed a bargain player--it’s just what the folks at Edison need--another drain on the state’s electric supply.”

Maybe it is time to turn the lights out on the Angels.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com