Kobe, Joan, Jag-U-ars: Enough Is Enough

Random thoughts on a warm, late-March morning:

* If Kobe can’t play for Phil Jackson, who can he play for?

* Joan Rivers’ New York accent gets thicker every year.

* So does her makeup.

* When they count the unemployed each month, do they include Bill Clinton?

* Russell Crowe has the sense of humor of a doorknob.

* When did they start pronouncing it Jag-U-ar?

* Every Friday is a good Friday.

* Cassell’s on 6th Street makes a memorable cheeseburger.

* Someone we’ll miss: Times City Editor Bill Boyarsky, who just retired after 31 years with the paper.

* The Lakers’ Rick Fox worries too much about his hair.

* Best spring day to play hooky: Monday, April 2, opening day for the Dodgers, plus the NCAA basketball championship game.

* On average, e-mail adds an hour to your workday.

* Happy birthday on Saturday to Shirley Jones, still delicious as birthday cake at age 67.

* Maybe Kobe needs a semester or two with Bobby Knight.

* Downtown hotel that most resembles a maze: the Westin Bonaventure.

* No high school should be bigger than 1,200 students.

* If Jerry Brown were known as Gov. Moonbeam, would Arnold Schwarzenegger be known as Gov. Laserbeam?

* Schwarzenegger for governor? You bet.

* Why should Minnesota be the only laughingstock?

* You think the Dow has problems, you should see my Final Four bracket.

* March would be a lot easier if remote controls were the size of basketballs.

* The NCAA’s basketball playoffs are the best in sports.

* Apathy is on the rise. But nobody seems to care.

* So long, John Phillips, whose “California Dreamin’ ” will still be the state anthem 50 years from now.

* Maybe Kobe needs a semester or two with Joan Rivers.

* Best smell of spring: a freshly cut lawn.

* Second-best smell of spring: a freshly cooked Dodger Dog.

* Tagalongs are the best Girl Scout cookies.

* Jag-U-ar? Give me a break.

* “If the Disney people ever need a replacement for Goofy, they’ve found him.”

--Scott St. James, Arrow 93-FM, on Jose Canseco, the Angels’ new outfielder.

* Julianne Moore was better as Clarice Starling than Jodie Foster was.

* In your 20s, you discover good sex; in your 30s, you discover good money; in your 40s, you discover . . . um . . . occasional memory loss.

* A busy kid is a happy kid.

* My friend Hank could pass for Robert De Niro.

* A busy Hank is a happy Hank.

* Big money ruins everything.

* Of course, too little money isn’t the solution either.

* Things I could eat my weight in: sunflower seeds, Pringles, creamed chipped beef on toast.

* To this day, I can’t watch figure skating without thinking of Tai Babilonia.

* “The Sopranos” is off to a slow start. But it’s still the best thing on cable.

* Favorite “Sopranos” character: Paulie Walnuts.

* It’s shameful the way most American companies treat workers over 55.

* It’s shameful the way most American companies treat workers under 25.

* Los Angeles magazine is looking better every month.

* A mother can smell a bad diaper at 100 yards.

* A father couldn’t smell a bad diaper if he were wearing it as a hat.

* Paulie Walnuts for governor.

* The next time Hannibal Lecter returns, he’ll be 110 years old. And the only thing he’ll be able to devour is applesauce.

* Staplers are the only things that never change.

* Those salt and vinegar potato chips taste like they’ve been dipped in bleach.

* “Nothing made of plastic is ever any good.” --the late, great Jim Murray.

* With those lips, Hilary Swank would’ve been a heck of a trombone player.

* Video rental you shouldn’t miss: “High Fidelity.”

* Joyce Brothers never seems to age. Eventually, she’ll be younger than me.

* After all these years, the sound of a two-cycle engine is still exciting.

* If you help a friend, you help yourself.

* Favorite line from the late Al McGwire: “The world is run by C-plus students.”

* Don’t believe him? Look at the White House.

* It’s Jaguar, stupid. Jaguar.

*

Chris Erskine’s column is published on Wednesdays. His e-mail address is chris.erskine@latimes.com.