When Readers Sound Off, Almost No Topic Is Taboo

These people live among you:

Old Elvis: “I feel sorry for you being such an idiot--the way you make fun of Phil Jackson. But you know stupid people have a greater ability to actually come to terms with Zen. You have a shorter distance to travel mentally.”

Never once did I give up thinking Elvis was alive.

Ralan10: “I’m a Raider fan! I want you to explain why Al Davis is a liar! Al Davis is the only owner who will stand up against the tyranny of Paul Tagliabue and his cronies!”

Why do Raider fans end every sentence with an exclamation point?

Rayderdude: “I hope the Raiders win the lawsuit, so you have to eat crow!”

Now that the Raiders have lost, you have to eat my wife’s cooking!!!

Scott Wilson Hatter: “I hated your columns for a long time due to your constant bashing of the Raiders! OK, T.J., I held off from writing you for several years, mostly because I’d like to think I have better things to do with my life . . .”

And now you’ve come to the realization you don’t.

Christiaan Sorensen: “Shaq has proven over and over that he cannot be stopped and there isn’t one player in the NBA who can hang with daddy. And he finishes third in the MVP voting? I wish I could see Shaq make Duncan and Robinson look like Bert and Ernie, but I’ll be in the middle of nowhere on a boat with some members of the opposite sex.”

I presume with Venus Williams and Cindy Crawford.

T Hunter: 1) You mention his name a lot--what does Bill Dwyre have to do with sports? 2) What does your column have to do with journalism? 3) Do you actually get paid for what you write?

1) Nothing. 2) Nothing. 3) Next to nothing.

Jackslad: “Dear T.J., we should name our sports teams the ‘Friendly Fellows’ or ‘Nice Guys’ or ‘Happy Chaps.’ All the team members should be friendly and nice. Let’s not have a world with anger and hatred and cruelty. Let’s all make this a happy and fun world full of friendship and kindness.”

Buzz off.

Daniel Srourian: “Although I am only 14, I think you are the funniest and smartest guy of all time. When I grow up, I want to be just like you.”

You want a grocery bagger to get engaged to your daughter?

Mike and Annette Sola: “I’m glad the Lakers keep winning. It shuts up mental midgets with typewriters like yourself.”

Laptops. Today all mental midgets use computers.

Joe Colin Jr.: “I, like most readers of The Times, have wondered why such a newspaper would employ a small-minded columnist like yourself. I have always viewed you as an embarrassment to your family and profession. Then I got it. How funny it was to read a column you wrote about the Santee shootings. Your feigning a nostalgic remembrance had me rolling on the floor with laughter. Imagine how funny a column you could have written had your daughter been in the line of fire. Then I read your Mother’s Day column. How funny it was to read that you have lived longer without a mother than with one. Probably good for her she didn’t have to be with you as you circle the globe collecting Pulitzer prizes. It certainly would’ve sent her to the grave earlier.”

There’s a difference between trying to crack people up and being just plain cracked.

Bret Hofstein: “Has the thought of not writing anymore ever crossed your mind?”

Only when I get an e-mail from Joe Colin Jr.

Marilu Greene: “Thank you for your column honoring the women in your life. I read your column and I appreciate your sarcasm and acerbic wit. Then I trudge to the bathroom, where my husband is shaving and I read the column to him. Then we both laugh. My husband [a minister] found your column engaging and appropriate and read a large excerpt to the congregation during his sermon.”

I guess we’re not talking about that lesbian column I wrote, are we?

Bob Greenwald: “Your article on Mother’s Day gives you away. All this outward cynicism that you like to create as your persona is just so much malarkey. I read every day and all it tells me is how much you really love your wife and those wonderful daughters of yours.”

Our little secret.

Christine Schaeffer: “In your defense, my husband characterizes you as the ‘Don Rickles of sports journalism.’ However, in the Times Calendar section it was noted that ‘In his Stardust shows, Rickles demonstrates his familiar zest for attacking a roomful of cheering fans.’ I’m sorry, but I can’t imagine you would even have a small roomful of cheering fans.”

What a hockey puck.

Allen E. Kahn: “I’ll date your older daughter. On second thought, send me her picture and we’ll see. If she looks anything like you, I’ll pass it around to some of my friends and see if any of them have the stomach for it.”

My daughter places a premium on intelligence. I’m sorry, I would guess that leaves you and your friends out.

Steve Phelps: “I took my 7-year-old son to an Angel game. My son doesn’t know the Angels are 12 games out or playing poorly. What he does know is that Tim Salmon plays for the Angels. And now he knows that Tim Salmon took the time to come over to a group of fans and sign autographs. Tim Salmon touched a heart that night.”

I’ll get excited when his bat touches the ball.

Manwelly: “t.j. simmers, come on now, your takes on the Lakers are dumb. When I read your articals I think to myself what happened to you as a child. It would make more sence if you looked like an athlete.”

It’s “S-i-m-e-r-s, and a-r-t-i-c-l-e-s and s-e-n-s-e. You spelled dumb correctly.

TODAY’S LAST WORD comes from Mike Sullivan: “I used to hate you when you did football. I hated you when you got promoted to Page 2. Now the only reason I buy the paper is to read Page 2.”

Maybe someday I’ll warm up to you too.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at his e-mail address: t.j.simers@latimes.com.