Here’s a League Shopping List

The NFL trading deadline will pass quietly today. No major moves are expected. With that in mind, here are the top 10 transactions that should be made:

1. Kansas City trades Trent Green for Jerome Bettis--Forget about the way he runs the ball, did you see Bettis toss that 32-yard touchdown pass Sunday? It didn’t hum like a Kurt Warner spiral but it got the job done. Now Bettis has as many touchdown passes (one) as starting quarterback Kordell Stewart. And how about this K.C. masterpiece: Green has a 66.2 quarterback rating and nine interceptions.

2. Washington trades its entire offense for New England’s David Patten--In a 38-17 victory at Indianapolis, Patten became the first player to rush for a touchdown, catch a touchdown pass and throw one in a game since Walter Payton in 1979. Not bad for a guy who five years ago was earning $8 an hour loading coffee beans onto trucks. Coincidentally, Washington’s offense is worth beans. The Redskins average a league-low 227.7 yards a game.

3. Indianapolis trades kicker Mike Vanderjagt for a Patriot playbook--Vanderjagt had two field goals blocked in the first half of the loss to the Patriots. It was New England’s first win on the road, and allowed them to complete a two-game sweep of the Colts by a combined score of 82-30. Said Patriot Coach Bill Belichick: “I’m glad we don’t have to play them again.” Did Vanderjagt kick this guy in the head?

4. “Monday Night Football” trades Dennis Miller for John Riggins--Funny as he is on HBO, Miller falls flat in the broadcast booth. His comments are dull, and he fawns over everyone. Bring on Riggins, the guy who once told Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O’Connor: “Loosen up, Sandy baby.” The running back-turned-radio commentator on Redskin Coach Marty Schottenheimer: “I definitely think he’s lost the players. I don’t see how he’s going to hang onto these guys. He’s mucked this thing up so bad [that] he doesn’t even have any talent to bail himself out to possibly get ‘em back.”

5. Green Bay trades Metrodome for any other place on earth--The Packers have lost eight of 10 at Minnesota, and Sunday’s 35-13 debacle was a doozy. It was Green Bay’s worst regular-season loss in eight years, and Brett Favre was limited to 169 yards passing by the league’s 29th-ranked pass defense. Go figure.

6. Buffalo trades Rob Johnson for Doug Flutie--Flutie, now the starter in San Diego, insists he doesn’t hold any grudges against the Bills for picking Johnson. But it’s easy to be magnanimous when you’re playing for a 4-2 team and your former team is 1-4. The Chargers host the Bills on Sunday.

7. Minnesota trades regular officials for replacements--The Vikings lead the league with 46 penalties. Are zebras paid by the flag?

8. 49ers trade Jon Gruden for Touchdown Jesus--The Raiders are on a roll and the balance of power has shifted in the Bay Area, even though both teams are 4-1. Gruden is the most dynamic coach in football, he was named one of People magazine’s 50 most beautiful people, and now rumors are flying that Notre Dame wants him to replace Bob Davie as coach of the Fighting Irish. Gruden’s father, Jim, used to coach running backs at the school, and Jon is a longtime Notre Dame fan. More Raider headlines, more Raider drama. All this makes the PR-conscious 49ers long for the days of Art Shell, Mike White and Joe Bugel.

9. Detroit trades Marty Mornhinweg for Monty Hall--The Lions need to do some serious sweet talking to lure Barry Sanders back to football. Sounds like a job for Mr. Let’s Make a Deal. Hall doesn’t know a thing about coaching? Well, he couldn’t do much worse than Mornhinweg, whose 0-5 Lions have matched the worst start in franchise history.

10. Baltimore trades Elvis Grbac for Ryan Leaf--Preposterous. Ludicrous. Downright silly. And just what those swaggering Ravens deserve.