This Show Gives Must-See TV Whole New Meaning

As I was sitting in makeup this week-and I want to tell you, it’s amazing what these people can do with Plaschke-I was wondering if the jib-that’s a camera for us folks in the TV biz-would be kind.

Now, some of you might not know that Plaschke and I are doing TV every Sunday night on the Southern California Sports Report on Fox Sports Net. In fact, the ratings would seem to indicate that no one knows.

I have assurances from my family, however, that once “The Practice” goes into reruns and little pieces of paper are ripped up and put into a hat and a name drawn, someone will watch the “SIMERS & plaschke Show,” which was formerly known as the Southern California something or other.

“I’d like to hear what Plaschke has to say,” said my older daughter in conceding defeat, and I admit, I was taken aback-because I can’t imagine anyone actually saying, “I’d like to hear what Plaschke has to say.”

In fact, the ratings would seem to indicate no one does.

BUT THIS is how New York newspaper columnist Ed Sullivan got his start-jumping to TV-and knowing that David Letterman does his show now out of the Ed Sullivan Theater and I have no shot at theater-naming rights as a Page 2 hack, there’s good reason to take this new gig seriously.

“There certainly is,” said Dwyre.

As far as being saddled with Plaschke-Siskel had to put up with Ebert. Huntley with Brinkley. Dorothy with Toto.

I’m confident we can work out an arrangement to share the Emmy.

Now, some of you may remember that Sullivan promised everyone “a rilly big shew,” every week and then delivered Elvis, the Beatles, and at the very least, the June Taylor Dancers.

So far we’ve had Kevin Kennedy, a Fox employee, who was ordered to appear on the Fox show. I guess Petros Papadakis was too busy.

SEVENTY-THREE-million viewers tuned in to watch Sullivan’s show at the height of its popularity. I would think if we could pull in 73 viewers, that would mark the height of our popularity. This could mean we’ll have to ask Suzy Shuster to sit in for Plaschke one of these weeks.

Now, for the last two weeks I’ve noticed Fox has had Todd Donoho sitting on the set like he’s going to play some role in the “SIMERS & plaschke Show.” I know I said, “hi,” to him the other night, and until someone typed in “and a great evening to you,” on Donoho’s teleprompter, I didn’t get a response.

The initial concept behind the “SIMERS & plaschke Show” was to invite some well-known local sports figure-a thrill of a lifetime and probably an autograph for Donoho-put them in the hot seat and grill them over Donoho’s scripted protests.

I suggested bringing in Athletic Director Mike Garrett for the first show, but the USC sports information department informed Fox that Garrett wouldn’t do it. It must have been something Plaschke wrote.

Next, I suggested Pete Carroll, knowing USC was looking at a bye, and he sent word he had no interest in being around certain people. Darn that Plaschke.

“My neighbor was thinking about coming to the second show to see what it was like behind the cameras,” Plaschke said. “He was concerned, though, we might make him the guest.”

It’s probably not a good sign when even Plaschke’s neighbors don’t want to talk to him on the air.

Steve Tello, a senior vice president for Fox Sports Net, who might very well be a guest on the “SIMERS & plaschke Show,” the way things are going, said there is always the hope of getting something interesting from print guys when they do something like this. “We’ll keep trying,” he said, “until we can find someone.”

I reminded Tello that “Cheers” was almost last in the ratings its first year, and urged him to hang in there with Plaschke, while also urging him to find some long-winded guests to cut into Plaschke’s air time.

Tom Lasorda immediately came to mind.

Fox officials said late Tuesday that Lasorda has agreed to appear Sunday night, which tells me someone told Lasorda that Plaschke will be on vacation. I imagine when he arrives and sees Plaschke in full makeup, he’ll probably go into a Dave Kingman tirade and walk off the set.

At least it will be good TV-and I know this, it can’t hurt the ratings.

BY FORCING everyone to play 16 games-so each owner has the chance to grab the gate receipts from eight home games-the league has knocked four teams out of the playoffs-one week into the season.

Correction: That’s five teams that have been knocked out of the playoffs after one game-the Washington Redskins have Jeff George starting at quarterback.

SOMEONE SAID the Mighty Ducks lost their opener, but noted it was meaningless because it was an exhibition game. I didn’t realize that made a difference.

CHAN HO Park is warming up in the bullpen-just kidding.

THEY’RE NOT going to allow coolers at NASCAR races, which means the first one to invent a safe way for fans to carry their fuel with them will make millions.

THE ST. LOUIS Cardinals are strong contenders for a wild-card berth with the top four hitters-from leadoff to cleanup-hitting .302 or better going into Tuesday’s game with Milwaukee.

That’s four hitters-each batting at least 114 points better than the sixth-place hitter in the lineup: Mark McGwire.

DENNIS RODMAN is in trouble again because his boat, Sexual Chocolate, was caught going more than 20 mph in a Newport Harbor 5-mph zone.

It seems no matter where he goes, the guy makes waves.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Clay:

“You’re cruel, and cruelty has no place during these trying times. You’re a bully and this is not a time for bullies, which is why your column was conspicuously absent from the sports pages the past week. Last week was not the appropriate time for a Simers column. And this week is no more appropriate.”

I wish I had your soft touch-but I just don’t.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.