Judge Employs Upside-Down Sentencing Guidelines in Meting Out Justice

In the stupid criminal tricks department, L.A. Deputy Dist. Atty. Mark Vezzani offers “the defendant who was his own worst enemy.”

The man’s attorney pointed out that although the accused had had several minor scrapes, no purpose would be served by putting him in jail since he had a job and had finally seen the light.

The judge responded that he had heard this story before and was thinking of sentencing him to 30 days in jail.

“I can do that standing on my head!” the defendant blurted out.

“Make it 90,” the judge replied. “I want to give you time to get back on your feet.”

The body isn’t everything: Members of an acting class for seniors were decked out in swimsuits for their yearly beauty contest at Roxbury Park in Beverly Hills when instructor Adrienne Omansky was approached by a lad of about 7.

Obviously familiar with the evolution of this type of pageant, the young spectator wanted the entrants, ages 60 to 85, to demonstrate their speaking skills.

“What are their platforms?” he asked.

And in the four-footed division: Laguna Beach’s Pet Parade and Chili Cook-Off was staged Sunday and, so far, there hasn’t been a whiff of scandal. Such was not the case last year. The local Coastline News recently discovered that a male dog “in drag” captured “the prettiest female award.”

The owner confessed later that passersby were always calling her Shih Tzu “a she because he’s so pretty.” And when the owner saw that the male entrants far outnumbered female entrants, she let temptation get the best of her, Coastline added.

I hate it when another newspaper pooper-scoops me.

Speaking of our little companions: George Waal of Pasadena came upon a warning for anyone who has a pet foot (see photo).

Hot air: The 2002 Farmers’ Almanac ranks Yuma, Ariz., as No. 1 among the “top 10 weather cities” in the nation, followed by Las Vegas, Phoenix, El Paso, Reno, Albuquerque, Winslow (Ariz.), Bishop, Bakersfield and--No. 10--San Diego.

No, it’s not a joke. The almanac’s weather gurus point out that these wonderlands have skies that “are almost always clear” with “minimal” rainfall. Sure, there are “extremes in summer high temperatures, but those are partially offset by extremely low relative humidity.”

No wonder so many San Diegans vacation in Yuma and Bakersfield.

Thanks for the warning: One car dealer’s self-serving ad struck Gary Johnston of Costa Mesa as something less than reassuring (see photo).

Unclear on the concept: Benson Smithkin of Camarillo was puzzled by an auto garage’s offer of a brake job that cost $39.99 PLUS “labor and parts” (see photo).

“So what do we get for the $39.99?” he asked.

That delicious coffee in the garage’s waiting room .

miscelLAny:

Harper’s magazine found some interesting companies listed among the more than 9,000 that applied to the state Public Utilities Commission for exemption from rotating power outages in June.

The applicants, who were supposed to demonstrate that such an interruption would “pose a significant threat to public health or safety,” included Beverly Hills Liquor & Deli, Big Burrito Kingdom, Doty Donuts, El Taco Loco, Expert Nails, Fantastic Burgers, Gucci America Inc., House of Blues, L.A. Dance Connection, Pacific Coast Chocolates, T-Shirt Mart and Valencia Pancakes Inc.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LA-TIMES, Ext. 77083 and, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A., 90012.