USC Fans, He Has His Thinking Cap Back On

I came back from vacation a new man. A USC fan.

I put on my USC baseball cap, arrived at the Coliseum for Monday night’s scrimmage and noticed they had valet parking for Trojan fans. Valet parking at the Coliseum--now that’s funny.

I was waved to the car hijacking area just outside the Sports Arena. I guess they were unaware I was a new man. However, they did seem to know who I was.

Now, I had called USC President Steven Sample earlier in the day to ask his secretary, Jackie, if she could tell me what I wanted to ask the president two years ago when I first called--in case we bumped into each other at the Coliseum. After waiting two years for a return call, I can’t remember why I called.

“Can’t help you,” said Jackie. “I’ve only been here a year.”

She offered to take a message, assured me she would get it to the president and the president would get back to me. If she was referring to Bush, I got a chance.

*

I THINK I blended in well with the other Trojan fans in my baseball cap. One of the coaches walked by and said, “What’s up, big man,” which was an improvement over “Scram, media hack.” Of course, I hadn’t run into Athletic Director Mike Garrett yet; we don’t get to park in the same lots.

I told Tim Tessalone, the school’s sports information director, to let Garrett know I wanted to talk, and right away he said, “I think he’s busy right now.” Tessalone is either clairvoyant, or there’s a memo specifying Garrett is always busy if one particular person wishes to speak with him.

I tipped my USC cap to remind him I was one of them now and said I really wanted to talk with Garrett, and he began playing, “Let’s make a deal.”

“I think I could get you up to see him [in the press box at the big donors’] party if you

were to buy a table for the Salute to Troy

dinner Friday,” Tessalone said. “I think they go for about $10,000. You write out a check,

and I’ll take you there now. What do you

say?”

I can only imagine what the charge to talk with Sample must be.

I thought about how far I had come as a USC fan, however. For the last two years I wouldn’t have given two cents to hear a thing Garrett had to say, and now I was going to call Sports Editor Bill Dwyre to authorize a $10,000 expenditure. I just had to find out what country club he was playing.

*

I GAVE up on Garrett and yelled to Coach Pete Carroll as he threw a football to his son, while waiting for the Trojans to begin warmups. He kept his back to me and tried backpedaling off the field like I might get the hint he didn’t want to talk with me. But I wanted him to know I was with him now, and when he saw my USC baseball cap, he ignored it. I guess he has been spending a lot of time with Henry Bibby.

“I imagine you have to put on a show for all the big donors tonight,” I said.

“I don’t care about those people,” Carroll said with a wave of his hand, and I swear I was listening to Henry Bibby.

*

I’VE AGREED to speak to the San Fernando Valley and Ventura County Trojan Club in Encino this November, because I’m a new man and I care about those people even if Carroll doesn’t. I’ve also been assured those people won’t throw anything at me. I guess Garrett hasn’t been invited.

I have a new office at The Times and already have a piece of art to be hung on the wall. It’s a beautiful framed poster of a sold-out Husky Stadium, the boats in the water adjacent to the field, and the date, Sept. 22, 1990, at the bottom with the final score: Washington 31, USC 0.

I wasn’t able to find any posters that had USC winning, so it’s the USC thought that counts.

The Trojans will kick off this season against Auburn on my birthday in the Coliseum. I know there are plans already to have four Navy fighters fly over the stadium and fireworks to celebrate, but I’ll just be looking for a USC victory and a personal Happy Birthday wish from Garrett--free of charge.

*

WHAT’S THE big deal about the Oregon football sign on the Hotel Figueroa? It just shows three Duck receivers dropping passes.

*

THE CHOKING DOGS have won five games in a row (just by coincidence while I’ve been on vacation), and the headline in the morning newspaper read: “It’s Troubling to Jordan.”

Brian Jordan, the Dodgers’ so-called leader, who blew off the media for at least the third time this season so he could be left alone to pout, is unhappy because Manager Jim Tracy is playing a hot hitter in Marquis Grissom and keeping him on the bench.

I would say this is very Gary Sheffield-like, but Shef has nine more home runs, 21 more runs batted in, 22 fewer strikeouts and a batting average 34 points higher than Jordan. Sheffield, like most Dodger fans, would also know better--knowing it’s only a matter of time before Grissom starts striking out again with regularity.

*

HAD YOU asked me before this weekend, who would win a major first: Rich Beem or Phil Mickelson? Once I had been assured that Beem was a professional golfer, I would have answered correctly.

*

NOW THAT the Chargers have announced they will start the season with Drew Brees at quarterback, we’ll see if the Mission Bay Shrimp is a big enough man to accept his role as backup.

*

OUR NEIGHBORS’ Tom & Aida put their house up for sale while I was home on vacation. I wonder why.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Cupid Junction:

“Hurry, your date is waiting. We have a guaranteed love match for you, if you respond by Sunday to this once in a life-time offer, this beauty will make you feel like a king.”

And the wife said there was no reason to check my e-mail while on vacation.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.