Feeling blue? Tuck some rainbows into your wallet

Say goodbye to “greenbacks” and wave as “cabbage” disappears into the graveyard of popular slang. The Bureau of Engraving and Printing has announced that U.S. currency will soon be getting a touch of color.

According to published reports, the bills will remain green and black, but “color tints will be added in the neutral areas of the note.” And although that sounds like something right up movie colorist Ted Turner’s alley, it seems the process should be more democratic than that.

Perhaps the bureau could follow the path of democracy -- and the Mars Co. -- and put it to the people. But that raises a troubling point. If the candy maker’s M&M; color contest over the summer proves one thing, it’s that Americans have a penchant for purple, which won clean hands down. (There is no indication that losers pink and aqua intend to challenge the Florida results).

So at the risk of winding up with cash that looks like Barney the dinosaur, here are some alternatives to ponder.

Glow-in-the-dark green

How many times have you accidentally over-tipped while scrounging for cash in a dark taxi or nightclub? Why not coat our cash in easy-to-see phosphorescence? The upside is that every rich guy on the dance floor will resemble an over-sized lightning bug with a glowing green wallet (and, like the lightning bug, will no doubt attract his fair share of mates.) The downside is that your wallet will become the equivalent of a neon arrow pointing out your cash to potential muggers.

Burberry plaid

From hats to baby carriages, cufflinks to shopping bags, it’s only a matter of time before this ubiquitous pattern finishes its creep into every corner of our cultural consciousness, so why not just give in? The upside is that money and style already go hand in hand, and what accessorizes a Burberry wallet better than Burberry bucks? The downside is that, with Burberry knock-offs about as common as the real thing, the money might be far too easy to counterfeit.

Camouflage

What more patriotic way to hide your wealth than with genuine U.S. military-style camo-cash? Because currency is already black and green, this would only require adding brown to the mix and making the splotchy camouflage design. This would no doubt be a popular choice for hunters and soldiers of fortune. The downside? It’s hard to spend what you can’t see.

Threat-Level Yellow

Why not simply implant our cash with microchips that change the hue of money based on the color-coded threat level issued by the Department of Homeland Security? The pro: You’ll know right away if something big is happening. Con: Unless you’re broke.

County Orange

You can’t miss all those burly workers leaning on their shovels by the side of the road during your morning commute. Why? Because they’re wearing that flashy shade of “county orange” popularized by inmates. Never again will you mistakenly think you’re out of money as an errant 20-dollar bill lounges in the cool hinterlands of your purse. On the downside, your teenager will never mistakenly think you’re out of cash as he rummages around the cool hinterlands of your purse.

Assorted

Maybe the Treasury Department should follow the lead of the folks over at the U.S. Mint and issue a limited-edition color for each of the U.S. states. Can’t you imagine your wallet bursting with the sunny oranges of California or Florida? Or what about the rusty reds of Arizona’s money, conjuring up images of the Grand Canyon in your pocket? What better way to jump-start this country’s personal savings program than with a 50-state banknote collection in full Technicolor?