Ghosts of scourges yet to come

You may recall that last year’s post-yule column celebrated an unknown work by Charles Dickens that was remarkably similar to his great classic “A Christmas Carol.”

Now, amazingly, comes news of another discovery among the papers of Dickens. This incandescent masterwork also features humbugging old Ebenezer Scourge in a tale of redemption completed shortly before Dickens’ death, showing just how prophetic he was.

Although competition for it was fierce, permission was granted to publish it here first, in keeping with this column’s high literary tradition.

The setting is again the wintry bleakness of Scourge’s dusty chambers, where he retires for the evening only to be awakened by loud clanking. Cowering behind his covers, a terrified Scourge is confronted by a ghost.

Scourge: Who and what are you?

Ghost: The Ghost of TV Past.

Scourge: What do you want of me at this hour, ghost?

Ghost: I’m here to show you wreckage of a squandered medium known as television.

Scourge: Where are you taking me?

Ghost: To the TV set. Behold! Shows from the past!

Scourge: Why it’s “Supermarket Sweep” and “The Partridge Family” and “Manimal” and “My Mother the Car” and “Me and the Chimp.” But who are those other two figures?

Ghost: Observe closely, Scourge.

Scourge: Why it’s Donny and Marie Osmond. They had their own show. I’d almost forgotten.

A second ghost: Look upon me, now, Scourge, for I am the Ghost of TV Present.

Scourge: What do you want of me, spirit?

Ghost: Behold the screen!

Scourge: Why it’s a tiny tract house. Who lives there?

Ghost: Do you not recognize the blissfully indigent Bob Cratchits?

Scourge: My clerk, Bob, and his wife and children. They’re in front of a TV set watching....

Ghost: “Fear Factor.”

Scourge: But who are those other people positioning lights, cameras and cable in their house?

Ghost: Observe closely, Scourge. Do you not recognize a TV crew?

Scourge: The Cratchits invited a TV crew for a Christmas pudding?

Ghost: No, Scourge.

Scourge: What other explanation could there be, except.... You don’t mean.... Say it isn’t so.... The Cratchits are....

Ghost: Yes, a reality show.

Scourge: Like “The Osbournes”? With cameras witnessing their every move?

Ghost: Yes, Scourge. “The Cratchits” is the smash hit of the season. A 40 share in the Nielsens.

Bob Cratchit, shooting his wife a sly wink: You look especially fetching in your little bonnet and ribbons, dear. While the kids are watching TV, how about sneaking upstairs with me for a little you know what?

Floor director: Let’s try it again, Bob, and this time grab your crotch.

Scourge: Oh, no!

Ghost: There’s something more, Scourge, something ominous, something unknown to Bob and his wife as they ascend the stairs toward ecstasy.

Scourge: More? Ominous? Unknown?

Ghost: Inside the house is ...

Scourge: Tell me, spirit! Please, tell me!

Ghost: A mole!

Scourge: No, no, I can hardly bear it. But who would this dastardly infiltrator be who would spy on the Cratchits so insidiously and cruelly sabotage their lives and not be unmasked until the last episode of the season for maximum ratings impact?

Ghost: Observe closely, Scourge, and behold the angelic tyke walking with crutches.

Scourge: Oh, no, not him. Anyone but him. The mole is ...

Ghost: Tiny Tim.

Scourge: Please, no more, spirit.

A third ghost: Come with me, Scourge.

Scourge: Who are you?

Ghost: The Ghost of TV Future.

Scourge: What are you showing me on those six TV monitors?

Ghost: Behold ... newscasts!

Scourge: But I don’t understand, spirit. They all look and sound alike.

Ghost: They are alike, Scourge. Exact replicas.

Scourge: But how could that be?

Ghost: Behold the noodleheads of the Federal Communications Commission who loosened ownership regulations to the point that AOL Time Warner, Viacom Inc., News Corp. and Walt Disney Co. were allowed to merge into a single behemoth corporation in control of all radio and television, one inevitably purchased by the single most powerful person in media.

Scourge: Tell me who, spirit. Don’t make me wait.

Ghost: Behold, Scourge. Do you not recognize Oprah?

Scourge: Which is why she is anchoring the news on all six monitors?

Ghost: Yes, Scourge, and why her boyfriend, Stedman Graham, is doing weather and sports.

Scourge: Will this nightmare never end, ghost? I beseech you to show me no more.

Ghost: Only if you promise to tune in next season, when the Cratchits and the Osbournes face off in “Reality Show Boxing.”

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Howard Rosenberg’s column appears Mondays and Fridays. He can be contacted at howard.rosenberg@latimes.com.