Must-See TV ... Unless Your TV Is in Nebraska

Although the Goddess of Pleasure awaits me at home, I have decided to remain on the East Coast for another week to help these people out.

I know many of you have suggested for some time I make this journey, and while I don’t recall anyone saying “hurry back,” I can’t imagine anyone back home thinks my work is done with USC or the Dodgers.

However, ESPN has offered Plaschke and myself the opportunity to go on national TV this week and inform the world beyond Denver where the West Coast is located. Many of the dolts here, from what I’ve heard, think you need a passport to attend the Winter Games in Salt Lake City.

Now you will notice ESPN did not extend this national TV invitation to Barry LeBrock, the blabbermouth host of “The SIMERS Show,” although it’s also a mystery to me how they ever heard of Plaschke.

I would imagine, however, the folks at Fox are scurrying around to locate our agent to triple our pay to keep pace with ESPN and maintain their ratings edge on “The Practice” every Sunday night. I don’t think it would be good for a company to have the reputation for losing Simers, Plaschke and Piazza.

MY FIRST question, of course, was whether the people of Nebraska get ESPN, because based on my experiences, they don’t get much of anything.

My second question concerned Chris Berman and Dan Patrick, and whether they were upset because they were going to be replaced by Plaschke and myself, and apparently I had misunderstood because we were being asked to take turns filling in for Tony Kornheiser, an aging, smart-aleck sportswriter, on something called “Pardon the Interruption.” Talk about typecasting.

There’s no way the folks in Nebraska will get this--they’ll still be working in the barns when this show comes on in the middle of the day.

Since Kornheiser is losing his hair, ESPN asked Plaschke to go first to make the transition more seamless, and so he began Monday working opposite Michael Wilbon, a Washington Post sportswriter like Kornheiser, and best known for being a really nice guy.

Pardon the interruption--but it’s 2:30 p.m. your time, the show has just come on, and while I thought it was only a rumor that he had gone to a stylist for a makeover, apparently Plaschke really has gone Hollywood.

Plaschke not only looks good on TV, but you have to be impressed with the way he worked in a California “thanks, dude” while talking to guest Sean Salisbury and effectively used the Shaq bobble-head doll as a prop. You could also see his “Ali” acting techniques at work, and I think we’re going to have a problem calling it just “The SIMERS Show” in the future.

Plaschke waved his hands, raised his voice as if he believed what he was saying, made outrageous statements for TV ratings such as calling Mike Martz a wimp, and to be honest--after watching Plaschke, I wouldn’t bring Kornheiser back.

NOW I understand my appearances on the show Thursday and Friday are going to go nothing like Plaschke’s, and I’m doomed for disaster. You understand, because you know how you felt after reading the first two Page 2 columns. It’s only recently you’ve cut back on the obscenities in your e-mail.

When I mention Phil & Jeanie with a knowing smirk on ESPN, you will know whom and what I am talking about. When I’m asked to discuss hockey and I appear not to know what I’m talking about, the morons in Philadelphia will think I’m just being a punk, but you will really understand I have no idea what I’m talking about. If I mention the grocery store bagger, you might chuckle, while everyone else thinks I couldn’t remember Kurt Warner’s name.

I’m not sure yet how Xxxxxxx Xxxxxxxxx will translate on TV, but I would imagine since I’m not allowed to write about the owner of the Rams, I probably can’t talk about her. I’m also guessing when we go to the part of the show when they spend “five good minutes” with a guest it won’t be with Eric Karros, Mike Garrett or a male figure skater.

We may not always agree in L.A., but at least you understand, which will put you ahead of everyone else in the country. It’s like that interview I did with HBO’s “Real Sports,” when the interviewer looked me directly in the eye and said, “You never wrote anything nice about Dodger Boy, did you?”

I think I said something like, “No, no, now that you mention it, I can’t think of a thing,” and while you knew that was true, I heard from people all over the country who thought I had to be kidding. I hope they don’t ask me the same question about Kevin Brown, because I’ll have to answer truthfully again.

Sitting across from a nice guy like Wilbon, what do you think that’s going to make me look like when I treat him the same way I’d treat someone from USC?

THOSE WHO remember the picture we used to run with the Page 2 column, you know it’s not going to be pretty. I thought about buying a tie, but decided I’ll just do what I can to mimic Plaschke, bring attention to the West Coast sports scene and get a better deal out of Fox for myself.

For your part, I’d urge you to flood ESPN with phony, complimentary e-mails, so ESPN runs more West Coast stories and feels compelled to bring me back east to occasionally relieve the Washington sportswriters. That will get me out of L.A.--so you’ll only be helping yourselves, and the Goddess of Pleasure, who also needs a break every so often.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com