Those Biting Punch Lines Could Become Real Pain

This whole business of pushing Shaq too far, or as our Tim Brown wrote the other day: “Shaquille O’Neal retaliated, finally, with a ferocious overhand right that grazed the left ear of Chicago Bull center Brad Miller,” has hit a little close to home.

When I think about F.P. Santangelo, Sports Editor Bill Dwyre, Mike Garrett, Dodger Boy, the Sparks, USC President Steven Sample, the grocery store bagger, Kevin Brown a.k.a. Mr. Grumpy, the wife, Tom Goodwin, anyone who lives in Nebraska or Philadelphia, the Movie Guy, hockey fans, Phil & Jeanie, Eric Karros, the Lame Ducks, Dan Evans and especially Raider fans, I better give some thought to delivering one punch line too many and the ramifications of retaliation.

OK, so if Goodwin took a swing--he’d miss.

And while they tell me Dwyre might crack some day--as if anyone is going to tell the difference--and he is the boss around here on the days when he’s not playing golf, I just make sure I’m never in the office on those three Mondays a month.

To be honest, though, I never thought I was doing anything that might merit retaliation because I’ve been married for 29 years and all I’ve gotten from my wife when I pick on her in the paper is encouragement: “Keep pushing, mister, and you’re going to get it.”

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UNTIL RECENTLY, I thought it was part of Shaq’s job as a professional to accept what he dishes out, but now I read in the newspaper everyone knew the day was coming when Shaq would explode because there’s only so much a 7-foot-1, 340-pound giant can take.

We’re being told his tantrum was really predictable, or as Times columnist J.A. Adande wrote the other day, “It finally happened,” that word finally again cropping up as way of explaining Shaq’s criminal behavior.

Rick Fox was saying on TV he’s surprised this doesn’t happen every night--Shaq, I guess, looking to clobber some foe with his back turned to him because he has been hit by one more elbow than he has delivered.

You saw what happened Sunday at Pauley Pavilion, players from both women’s basketball teams getting into a fight and USC Coach Chris Gobrecht and UCLA Coach Kathy Olivier screaming at each other like two professional wrestlers. Everyone wants to be like Shaq now, and while that might make for more entertaining women’s basketball, I’m still not going to go (as if I’m really worried about Gobrecht or Olivier retaliating).

Phil Jackson, grinning because he knows a Shaq-less team will put him in a hot tub with Jeanie when the All-Star game is played, was trying to make the case Monday his center pulled his punches. I’m sure that would be more comforting to everyone than the picture we saw on TV of a Butterbean wannabe.

We’ve also heard from Kobe Bryant defending Shaq and urging him not to take any more grief. I’m surprised he didn’t think of this last season when they were feuding, because with Shaq serving a suspension, Kobe got the chance again to go one-on-five and score all the points.

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I THOUGHT with the benefit of more than 24 hours of reflection--after almost sending someone to the hospital--Shaq might back off, but our Tim Brown surmised in the paper: “It appears now the Laker center has put an entire league on notice; he no longer will take cheap shots, he will defend himself and he will hurt back.”

I was kind of hoping Brown might report Shaq has decided to make his free throws, but if Brown’s interpretation is correct, instead of waiting for his career to end to become a police officer, Shaq has decided to begin working now as a vigilante.

Personally speaking, we can’t have people just taking it into their own hands and trying to put a stop to cheap shots or gratuitous rips at USC.

I think I can be of some help here, though. I have no doubt Evans-Garrett-Lame Ducks & Co. are on the verge of losing it, but I think there’s a better remedy than someone jeopardizing his personal freedom with some kind of Shaq-like response. I think I can even provide group therapy for this cast of misfits.

I would refer the whole lot to Redskin owner Dan Snyder, who simply paid Marty Schottenheimer $7.5 million to disappear. I would imagine if Michael Eisner, Eli Broad, Michael Ovitz and Bum Garner were reminded how they’ve been skewered in this space and how they will be again--there’d be no problem raising the kind of money to make the Page 2 columnist disappear without another punch line ever being delivered.

Not a penny less, though--I’ve got the bagger to support the rest of my life.

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IF YOU go to dodgers.mlb.com and attempt to print out the team’s 2002 schedule, it abruptly stops after an April 25 game at Pittsburgh suggesting a) something is wrong with the printer or b) the Dodgers already know when their season will be over.

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LET’S SEE Steve Spurrier run up the score with Tony Banks at quarterback.

If Spurrier is going to get $5 million a year and he’s never been to a Super Bowl without buying a ticket, what’s Tampa going to pay Bill Parcells?

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THE FIRST time Laker Mitch Richmond lifts a finger all season and the NBA fines him $5,000.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in an e-mail from Anthony:

“I hope the decision makers at The Times see the error of their ways and make you change your style of commentary.”

I can’t imagine any of my bosses ever making a mistake.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com