He Only Hurts One He Loves

I was saving this piece for Valentine’s Day to make up for all the shots I’ve been taking at Shaquille O’Neal for complaining, or swelling to the size of the Hindenburg, or just on general principles.

However, in the wake of his latest embarrassment, it’s clear the big guy needs me now, so here goes:

Roses are red,

Violets are blue,

Dear Superman/Diesel/Big Aristotle/Hindu Elephant or

whatever it is today,

I love you.

I’ll tell you the day I fell for the big lug all over again, and it has nothing to do with titles, MVPs or being put upon by brutes.

It was in November after he was fined for wearing his shorts too low, and he joked that David Stern wanted him to look like John Stockton, and someone from the Utah Jazz sent him a pair of Stockton’s size 32s ... and Shaq actually tried to put them on, in the dressing room, in front of a bunch of TV cameras.

Of course, he couldn’t get them over his back side, which, let’s face it, is to Stockton’s what the Earth is to the moon. The video ran for a week on the NBA Web site.

In this business, lowlifes often win and good people often lose, so that what finally counts most is personality and character.

So O’Neal may or may not be the most dominating big man ever (I’d vote yes), and may not always get it right (I’d vote no), but what I’ll always remember about him is, he’s so much fun.

What’s better than a star who can stop taking himself seriously long enough to joke at his own expense?

That’s him, the Child Shaq, emerging daily to demonstrate the sheer delight of Being Shaquille.

Of course, as poor, anonymous people never get to find out, there’s a price to pay for being rich and famous, not that it’s so bad that the rich and famous often renounce their privileges.

Shaq, who is by far the biggest and baddest, gives as well as receives--remember how he pulverized Dikembe Mutombo in the Finals?--and has tormentors lined up, girding themselves for the next campaign. And once in a great while, when they’re especially malicious and/or arrive in tandem, as Brad Miller and Charles Oakley did, he loses it.

O’Neal has since holed up, vowing never again to take such abuse, otherwise refraining from comment, or at least limiting himself to written messages to the media in his inimitable metaphor-a-day style.

Unfortunately, in his case, “abuse” is a condition of employment and runs both ways. He won’t stop trying to post up in the lane, and opponents won’t stop trying to tow him out.

If he swings on anyone else, he’ll be suspended again and will have to sit still for more Morally Upright columns, while forsaking another $287,000 a game.

Even at $23 million a year, to paraphrase the late Sen. Everett Dirksen, 287K here, 287k there, pretty soon you’re talking about real money.

The big question with O’Neal is how willing he is to suffer the real-world buffeting that comes with Being Shaquille.

Although he rates up there on effort among the great centers, he isn’t a relentless, wake-up-every-day-and-prove-

something competitor like Michael Jordan or Kobe Bryant. Every title O’Neal wins seems to further diminish his interest in the long regular season.

Surprisingly enough, in flipping out, he actually drew a lot of sympathy from people in the best position to judge how mightily he has restrained himself.

Said Orlando Coach Doc Rivers:

“In Shaq’s defense, you never want to throw a punch, but he was provoked. When you see those three and four fouls before that, there’s a way of fouling a guy and then there’s a way of fouling a guy to do some damage.”

Said the Celtics’ Paul Pierce: “I get hit a lot and I get frustrated when I don’t get the call, but it’s nothing compared to what Shaq goes through. I’m surprised he didn’t strike back a long time ago.”

The Big Whatever has shouldered his burden manfully and, hopefully, has five more years or so in him. Greatness is always in short supply, and fun is even more precious.

*

Faces and Figures

Quick study: Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban, after defying Stern repeatedly, paying $1 million in fines and alienating other owners by tampering with such stars as Karl Malone, senses his madcap style may not be working. After a report that Stern may start taking draft picks, rather than money, Cuban told a Dallas radio station: “Now you’re impacting the ability of the team to compete.... You’re not going to give me a chance. Then I’m out.”

West is West, East is beneath contempt: Cleveland Coach John Lucas after losing, 96-64, at Portland: “When you have Ruben Patterson and Derek Anderson coming off the bench--they’d be stars for me. Shawn Kemp starts for me. How am I going to win? I just hope it’s not [a loss] by 30.” ... Locked into nearly $250 million in long-term contracts with self-centered Stephon Marbury, fragile Penny Hardaway and what’s left of Tom Gugliotta, the Phoenix Suns may make hard-driving Coach Scott Skiles take the fall, three years after choosing him because they said Danny Ainge was too nice, despite the fact that Skiles has won 50 games annually. Beneath the surface is a greater fear--that Jason Kidd, who fell out with Skiles, will talk Shawn Marion into leaving when he becomes a free agent in 2003.... Meanwhile, Hardaway continues to suggest that Marbury move the ball more: “It takes your teammates to know that you’re struggling a little bit and get you an easy look every now and then. That’s not happening for me, so everything I have to do is created on my own. That’s tough. You can’t be successful your whole career shooting jump shots.” ... Proving winning may be irrelevant, the Philadelphia 76ers have won six of eight and Coach Larry Brown says, “Hopefully our superstar [Allen Iverson] saying the coach stinks can get us in the right direction.”

Not that fear reigns wherever George Steinbrenner treads but: The New Jersey Nets are now part of something called YankeeNets, which has put them under the operational control of NHL Devils boss Lou Lamoriello. Lamoriello preaches team--not individual--marketing, which is more appropriate in hockey than in the star-driven NBA. When Jordan’s appearance resulted in the Nets’ first sellout of the season, the PR staff wouldn’t even confirm that, even though the ticket office was reporting everything had been gone for weeks.... Oh yes, the Nets’ publicity director was fired after last season.... Headbands, they don’t just keep guys’ heads on their shoulders: After going 2-12, the Detroit Pistons decided to don headbands and beat Charlotte. The next game, trailing Toronto at home at halftime, the Pistons took off their white headbands and put on blue ones. Somehow, the Raptors managed to beat them, anyway.... Orlando’s Rivers on Kidd: “Before the season, we all said it will be an interesting case study on what’s more important to a team, a point guard who runs the show, runs the team, gets everyone involved or a point guard who gets his own. That argument has been around for a long time: KJ [former Sun Kevin Johnson] or John Stockton? I think it’s been answered here, and I don’t think there’s a question about it.... I think he [Kidd] absolutely should be a unanimous pick for the All-Star team and right now is the most valuable player. But he won’t get it because his scoring numbers aren’t gaudy, and he doesn’t make the great dunks. So he won’t get it, but he should.”.... The Jordan-Wizards feel-good story doesn’t feel so good right now. After winning 13 of 15, they then lost four in a row, including one by 44 points in New Jersey.... Kenyon Martin, who told Jordan his back was hurting him in the last meeting, whereupon Jordan torched him for 45: “He asked me how I feel. I told him I feel great.” ... San Antonio’s Charles Smith, told before the game he’d be guarding Jordan: “I was like, ‘Ohhhh, OK.’”