Next Thing You Know, the Butler Will Quit

Rick Morrissey in the Chicago Tribune: “I think we’ve all found ourselves in the situation Charles Oakley was the other night.

“You walk out of a Chicago nightclub at 3:30 a.m., pile into a limousine and realize that the Gucci bag you left in the car is gone--the Gucci bag with the $30,000 Franck Muller watch and the $16,000 Cartier watch in it.

“The Gucci bag with the DVD player in it.

“The Gucci bag containing not one, not two, but three cell phones.

“I hate when that happens to me.”

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More Morrissey: “We occasionally get reminders that we’re not living in the same planet as professional athletes.

“These guys are so disconnected from reality, they use UFO radios to send messages to one another through the fillings in Shirley MacLaine’s molars.”

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Trivia time: UCLA has won a men’s NCAA record 11 basketball championships. Which school is runner-up?

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So what? Jason Kidd told David Letterman that he found out that the Phoenix Suns had traded him to New Jersey in the drive-thru of a Taco Bell.

“I think that spoiled [my wife’s] appetite because she was pregnant at the time, and that’s why we were going to Taco Bell. It didn’t spoil mine, I ordered a No. 3 and got a Dr. Pepper.”

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Oh, no! Scott Ostler in the San Francisco Chronicle: “Ron Zook, Florida’s football coach, ejects a fan from a team workout for violating Zook’s no-sitting rule. When Zook and his wife go out, they hire a baby-stander.”

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Could be worse: Gene Frenette of the Florida Times-Union quotes Edward Waters College basketball player Q’beashabe Scott on how he got his first name. “My dad said they were playing scrabble one day and put the letters together to come up with it.”

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Communicating: Alan Ray to the San Francisco Chronicle: “The Yankees have changed their signs. When the third-base coach wants the batter to take, he holds up a photo of Ruben Rivera.”

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Early exit: From “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno:” “In college basketball, USC got eliminated [in] the first round. Even Paula Jones made it to the second round.”

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Abandoned: Forward Popeye Jones told the Boston Herald about life with the Washington Wizards after Michael Jordan’s injury: “I found out I had less relatives on the road.”

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Looking back: On this day in 1972, UCLA defeated Florida State, 81-76, to win the men’s NCAA basketball championship at the Sports Arena. It was the Bruins’ sixth consecutive title and eighth overall.

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Trivia answer: Kentucky, with seven.

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And finally: Jalen Rose of the Chicago Bulls, commenting to the Detroit Free Press about being snubbed by USA Basketball executives selecting the 10 NBA players to play for Team USA in this summer’s World Basketball Championships: “I was hoping to make the team, but I’m neither surprised nor hurt that I didn’t because I’m the Rodney Dangerfield of this game.”