Stopping Webber Is Easy: Just Make a Banks Shot

In preparation for the start of the next playoff series against Sacramento, and with the intention of helping the Lakers, I’ve done some homework.

Tyra Banks is 5 feet 11, with greenish-brown eyes, 351/2-231/2-351/2, and probably the key to knocking Chris Webber off his game.

The guy flipped earlier this season when the Sacramento Bee mentioned the supermodel and Webber were an item. If I flipped every time Salma Hayek and my name were mentioned together in The Times, I’d never get a column written

The guy is obviously emotional. That’s why I hesitate now to ask him about the “nude picture gallery of Tyra Banks,” I found on the Internet. It’s my job, of course, to get to the bottom of things, but it will make it awkward if Webber happens to ask me if I’ve seen Tyra recently.

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AS WEBBER goes, so go the Kings, and they say he’s playing some of his best basketball right now. The Kings are 4-0 on the road in the playoffs, and it might be time to have well-known Laker fan Chris Rock redo a Li’l Penny commercial and put him on the overhead scoreboard scolding Webber: “That’s Tyra Banks, Fool!”

Might as well tell him right away he’s in over his head when he gets here.

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TYRA WAS born in L.A., and everyone tells me she was a Laker fan until she became an item with Webber. Wouldn’t it be something if Webber went up for a shot only to be stuffed by Shaq and then caught Tyra losing control in the stands and cheering her hometown team. He might begin to wonder if he’ll ever score again.

Sacramento, of course, has cowbells, so I asked Jeanie Buss, the Lakers’ marketing guru, if the team has given thought to passing out pictures of Tyra, or borrowing my Victoria’s Secret catalog, so the Staples Center crowd has something to hold up when Webber takes the court.

I forgot Jeanie has her own revealing photos. I wouldn’t want to give Sacramento fans any ideas, and maybe take Phil off his game, so let’s just keep that to ourselves.

Anyway I found a 5 x 7 “Tyra Banks hot sexy open shirt and legs” on eBay.com for $2.50, and it could be duplicated and given to folks entering Staples. We don’t have to worry about them getting into the hands of kids because tickets to Laker playoff games are so expensive only movie stars and recording stars can afford to be here.

Sylvester Stallone was in the front row Tuesday, and wouldn’t it be a hoot to see Rambo holding a picture of “Tyra Banks hot sexy open shirt and legs” in front of his face, and see what Webber does about it. Or maybe have Jack holding it, and telling Webber as he walks past him, “You can’t handle the truth.”

Just trying to help.

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WHEN LINDSEY “I can’t hit the ocean” Hunter made a three-point shot against the Spurs, they had to know they were finished.

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THE SMELL of money reached NFL owners Tuesday in Houston, prompting Commissioner Paul Tagliabue to appoint a five-man search group to pursue every possible nickel in Los Angeles if it appears the city is ready to land a team.

Tagliabue said the league might add an expansion team, which is why the commissioner should be hooked to a polygraph machine when he talks. The league’s stated policy is to maintain stability, so appointing a five-man committee to look into putting a team in the L.A. market without the mention of expansion would be a violation of their stated mission. The fun and games are only beginning.

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MARK FABIANI, special counsel to Bill Clinton during the Whitewater scandal, director of communications for the Al Gore campaign, an advisor to Michael Ovitz in his unsuccessful bid to get an NFL franchise two years ago and a paid image consultant on the energy crisis for Gov. Gray Davis, apparently intends to continue this hot streak and work with the Chargers now on obtaining a new stadium either in San Diego or L.A.

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I RECEIVED an angry phone call from someone identifying himself as Harvey Millstein, some muckety-muck with the Santa Monica Little League, ranting and raving about how the chief of police and the firemen received individual attention from the Dodgers and couldn’t have been more thrilled.

When I asked what this had to do with Tuesday’s column about the Santa Monica Little League kids who were left standing for almost two hours while the Dodger brass appeared clueless, he said the column was “offensive and inaccurate, and I was just looking for an excuse to make fun of Shawn Green.”

He’s wrong: I don’t need any excuse to make fun of Shawn Green.

The ranter and the raver, meanwhile, said the parents of the T-ballers I talked with were the only ones upset with the Dodgers, although I received e-mail to the contrary. He said he’s worried the Dodgers might not let the police chief and Little League muckety-mucks, like himself, go on the field again.

He said he’s going to write a letter of “thank you” to the Dodgers so the muckety-mucks remain in the team’s good graces. He also said he’s going to write a letter to Sports Editor Bill Dwyre, I presume because he has heard Dwyre has always wanted to go on the field before a Dodger game.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from my younger daughter:

“I noticed your sexist remarks in the paper again, dad, and I’d like to remind you that I got the money to go shopping because I kicked your butt time and time again when we shot three-pointers for money.”

Only way I could think of to get a girl to practice her shooting.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com