Finally, a TV Program Where the I’s Have It

I ran into a sportswriter here who doesn’t think the word “I” should appear anywhere in a column. Obviously we were never going to see eye to eye on this because the pipsqueak is two feet shorter than I am.

But I’m the sensitive sort, as you know, so when evidence mounted, and I began to hear from e-mailers who felt the same way, saying they didn’t want to read what “I” think about the Giants’ perky P.A. announcer, or how “I” feel about Barry Bonds, “I” listened.

So enough about me today.

Instead this column is going to be all about “The SIMERS Show,” which makes its national debut on ESPN on Monday, and what impact it might have on the Angels and their fans.

You would think, of course, the way Thursday’s World Series game was going, an ESPN show of any sort could not be any more boring or depressing.

But here’s the problem. The Angels are still going to win the World Series, which means there is going to be a parade, and if it’s Monday afternoon how are the Angels going to feel if everyone stays home to watch, “The SIMERS Show?”

They’ll have another parade for the Angels next year when they repeat as champions, but folks who have seen the TV show in rehearsal believe there’s a good chance it won’t make it to Tuesday before being canceled, which makes Monday the only chance to catch this ESPN bomb.

*

THE FACT the Angels made it to the World Series, of course, is the primary reason why this show is doomed to fail -- that, and ESPN’s insistence to call it something forgettable like, “Around the Horn,” rather than “The SIMERS Show.”

Right from the start Monday everyone on the show is going to want to talk nice about the Angels and say wonderful things about the team’s dream season, which is going to leave Simers out of the conversation.

Then the more knowledgeable and long-winded sports columnists on the show, such as the Boston Globe’s Bob Ryan, the Chicago Sun-Times’ Jay Mariotti and the Dallas Morning News’ Tim Cowlishaw are going to break down the reasons for the Angels’ success and the Angels’ place in baseball history, which is going to leave Simers out of the conversation.

Of course, when Ryan’s microphone is open, Simers and everyone else is going to be left out, because Ryan will work the Celtics into every conversation.

*

THE TV executives at ESPN, noting the success of “Pardon the Interruption,” which features an aging sports columnist with an irritating voice, figured they’d have a hit on their hands if they hired four aging columnists, one of whom is considered very irritating.

Although there’s no need for a host, ESPN has employed Max Kellerman, a know-it-all boxing expert who has never left New York, who looks at best two or three years older than Dusty Baker’s child, but who has the joy-stick experience to score the columnists as they prattle on.

Kellerman believes this show will propel him to stardom; there’s no question someone is going to replace Bob Barker one day.

If “Around the Horn,” which will appear just before PTI, lasts more than a day, some critic is going to refer to Mariotti sooner or later as a “blow hard,” but probably just because he represents the Windy City.

Cowlishaw’s role, meanwhile, will be limited because he likes to talk about hockey and auto racing. There will also be appearances by backups, which is the only way to keep Ryan from talking about the Celtics every day.

So far there has been no reasonable explanation why Simers is being included on a show, which features so many sports experts. The folks at ESPN apparently have never read his column.

It’s also a good bet ESPN owner Michael Eisner wasn’t consulted.

Simers’ earlier abbreviated run on Fox’s Southern California Report has been likened by some in the industry to what Fox has been giving us every time it goes to the “Pepsi Fan Cam.” That leaves only one explanation for this TV appointment: Everyone else in the Los Angeles market turned ESPN down.

*

YOU CAN imagine just how thrilled the Dodgers, Trojans and Sparks are going to be to learn Simers has been given a national platform. (I know I feel sorry for them).

Jarrod Washburn has to be nervous now that he’s compiled a 9.31 earned-run average in two World Series games. Garret Anderson is one more punchless night in key situations away from the Eric Karros treatment. Ben Weber is about to know what it feels like to be called “Paul Shuey.”

The truth be told, there’s probably only one thing that can keep this PTI/Sports Reporters’ afloat, and that’s another Angel performance akin to Thursday night’s debacle.

In fact if there is anything to motivate the Angels at this point and drive them to greatness, it should be the desire now to give Simers nothing to ridicule, mock or trash come Monday on TV.

Two more wins and a World Series celebration shuts him up.

One more Angel loss, and you can just hear the garbage he’s going to spew while hooked up to a microphone and what it might do for his TV career.

I wouldn’t want to see that.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Frank Aguilar:

“Can you really fault a guy for flirting and hugging women instead of talking to you? I would avoid you, too, if I was Barry Bonds. In all honesty, I think you were just jealous that Bonds didn’t flirt with you, or hug you ... “

You’re right -- it would have been a better column if he had.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com

SAN FRANCISCO -- I ran into a sportswriter here who doesn’t think the word “I” should appear anywhere in a column. Obviously we were never going to see eye to eye on this because the pipsqueak is two feet shorter than I am.

But I’m the sensitive sort, as you know, so when evidence mounted, and I began to hear from e-mailers who felt the same way, saying they didn’t want to read what “I” think about the Giants’ perky P.A. announcer, or how “I” feel about Barry Bonds, “I” listened.

So enough about me today.

Instead this column is going to be all about “The SIMERS Show,” which makes its national debut on ESPN on Monday, and what impact it might have on the Angels and their fans.

You would think, of course, the way Thursday’s World Series game was going, an ESPN show of any sort could not be any more boring or depressing.

But here’s the problem. The Angels are still going to win the World Series, which means there is going to be a parade, and if it’s Monday afternoon how are the Angels going to feel if everyone stays home to watch, “The SIMERS Show?”

They’ll have another parade for the Angels next year when they repeat as champions, but folks who have seen the TV show in rehearsal believe there’s a good chance it won’t make it to Tuesday before being canceled, which makes Monday the only chance to catch this ESPN bomb.

*

THE FACT the Angels made it to the World Series, of course, is the primary reason why this show is doomed to fail -- that, and ESPN’s insistence to call it something forgettable like, “Around the Horn,” rather than “The SIMERS Show.”

Right from the start Monday everyone on the show is going to want to talk nice about the Angels and say wonderful things about the team’s dream season, which is going to leave Simers out of the conversation.

Then the more knowledgeable and long-winded sports columnists on the show, such as the Boston Globe’s Bob Ryan, the Chicago Sun-Times’ Jay Mariotti and the Dallas Morning News’ Tim Cowlishaw are going to break down the reasons for the Angels’ success and the Angels’ place in baseball history, which is going to leave Simers out of the conversation.

Of course, when Ryan’s microphone is open, Simers and everyone else is going to be left out, because Ryan will work the Celtics into every conversation.

*

THE TV executives at ESPN, noting the success of “Pardon the Interruption,” which features an aging sports columnist with an irritating voice, figured they’d have a hit on their hands if they hired four aging columnists, one of whom is considered very irritating.

Although there’s no need for a host, ESPN has employed Max Kellerman, a know-it-all boxing expert who has never left New York, who looks at best two or three years older than Dusty Baker’s child, but who has the joy-stick experience to score the columnists as they prattle on.

Kellerman believes this show will propel him to stardom; there’s no question someone is going to replace Bob Barker one day.

If “Around the Horn,” which will appear just before PTI, lasts more than a day, some critic is going to refer to Mariotti sooner or later as a “blow hard,” but probably just because he represents the Windy City.

Cowlishaw’s role, meanwhile, will be limited because he likes to talk about hockey and auto racing. There will also be appearances by backups, which is the only way to keep Ryan from talking about the Celtics every day.

So far there has been no reasonable explanation why Simers is being included on a show, which features so many sports experts. The folks at ESPN apparently have never read his column.

It’s also a good bet ESPN owner Michael Eisner wasn’t consulted.

Simers’ earlier abbreviated run on Fox’s Southern California Report has been likened by some in the industry to what Fox has been giving us every time it goes to the “Pepsi Fan Cam.” That leaves only one explanation for this TV appointment: Everyone else in the Los Angeles market turned ESPN down.

*

YOU CAN imagine just how thrilled the Dodgers, Trojans and Sparks are going to be to learn Simers has been given a national platform. (I know I feel sorry for them).

Jarrod Washburn has to be nervous now that he’s compiled a 9.31 earned-run average in two World Series games. Garret Anderson is one more punchless night in key situations away from the Eric Karros treatment. Ben Weber is about to know what it feels like to be called “Paul Shuey.”

The truth be told, there’s probably only one thing that can keep this PTI/Sports Reporters’ afloat, and that’s another Angel performance akin to Thursday night’s debacle.

In fact if there is anything to motivate the Angels at this point and drive them to greatness, it should be the desire now to give Simers nothing to ridicule, mock or trash come Monday on TV.

Two more wins and a World Series celebration shuts him up.

One more Angel loss, and you can just hear the garbage he’s going to spew while hooked up to a microphone and what it might do for his TV career.

I wouldn’t want to see that.

*

TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Frank Aguilar:

“Can you really fault a guy for flirting and hugging women instead of talking to you? I would avoid you, too, if I was Barry Bonds. In all honesty, I think you were just jealous that Bonds didn’t flirt with you, or hug you ... “

You’re right -- it would have been a better column if he had.

T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com