His Bill of Writes Affords Equal Insults for Everyone

One of our editors forwarded the following e-mail Wednesday:

“In his Sept. 4 column, Bill Plaschke asks re the Augusta National stance on not admitting female golfers as members: ‘Oh, but because this is about gender and not race it’s different, right?’

“I wonder this same thing every time T.J. Simers writes disparagingly about female athletes and women’s sports in his column. If Simers were commenting negatively, say, on Jewish or Latino athletes, I believe the Los Angeles Times would face severe criticism for publishing such prejudiced viewpoints. But for some reason The Times thinks women are fair game.

“Mr. Plaschke, that stink you smell is not just coming from Augusta, it’s emanating from your own sports section’s Page 2.

“Best regards, Sarah Kreuzkamp, Senior Associate, Thurlow/Associates”

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I WAS surprised the subject line to Kreuzkamp’s e-mail wasn’t: “Keeping Him in His Place.”

For the record, I do not always write disparagingly about female athletes and women’s sports, because I’m usually busy writing disparagingly about women e-mailers, my old male boss and a Grocery Store Bagger who thinks of himself as a stud.

It’s true, I do try to go to a Spark game every two years or so to confirm my prejudiced viewpoint that the Sparks are uptight and deadly dull, and I’m happy to report this year’s visit did nothing to alter that prejudiced viewpoint.

But I also have prejudiced viewpoints about USC, the Dodgers, Angels and anyone on skates, the only difference being I’ve grown to love them all.

Now I don’t want to disagree with Kreuzkamp, but I’m pretty sure I’ve commented negatively on Jewish and Latino athletes, because I’m pretty sure I’ve commented negatively on just about every athlete in town at one time or another, including the female athletes.

I couldn’t very well leave them out, because you know the stink they’d make if I treated them any differently than the men.

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NOW I’d like to think Kreuzkamp and I could kiss and make up, now that she understands she’s way off base, but I’m afraid I’m flirting with disaster here because I’m about to offer my prejudiced viewpoint in regard to this Masters’ controversy.

To be honest I’m outraged. Until this whole thing became public, I had no idea women were allowed to play golf at Augusta National, as if we really need another golf course promoting slow play. (Given the conniption fit Kreuzkamp is probably throwing right now, I’d offer mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, but I have the feeling we won’t be traveling in the same circles any time soon.)

Now if all this fuss was about some rich woman from Georgia being rejected as a member of Augusta National, I’d probably say something like “that’s outrageous,” and then go back to waiting for the wife to serve dinner.

If it was my daughter trying to gain admittance to Augusta National, I’d probably be so thrilled she was rich I wouldn’t care whether she got in.

I know it’s terrible when anyone is excluded from anything just because they’re not like everyone else. Riviera, Bel Air and the L.A. Country Club have made it very clear I’m poor and not rich like them, so I won’t be accepted as one of them.

The women are going to argue that gender exclusion is no different from race exclusion, but we already know there are differences, and I have the daughters’ phone bills to prove it.

Let’s face it, when Martha Burk, the chairman of the National Council of Women’s Organizations, walks past a men’s room, she’s probably outraged.

But I guess that’s the point of having private clubs and shopping malls so the sexes can go their separate ways at times, and get away from each other. From everything I’ve heard about Hootie Johnson, though, I’d rather go shopping with Kreuzkamp. Of course, I’ve got no shot of being accepted, but you don’t hear me bellyaching.

This whole debate is crazy anyway. You have a woman who doesn’t care if she plays golf at Augusta fighting for a woman to be a member, while an old guy lost in time holds the key to the clumsy chastity belt thrown around the Masters. They don’t offer much middle ground.

None of it has much to do with the golf tournament they play there once a year, although commercials have now been canceled and pressure has been put on CBS to broadcast something different, I presume like the Battle of the Sexes.

I understand Burk is only doing her job, and Hootie could have solved the whole thing by being politically correct and lying to her, but these aren’t the grounds for such a crusade.

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I REALIZE, however, that my colleague Bill Plaschke, Times columnist who has covered the last two Masters, vehemently disagrees.

Wednesday he wrote passionately: “The impetus for change is with us. CBS should stop televising [the Masters]. Golf fans should stop watching it. Golfers should stop playing it,” and knowing how he feels now, I’m sure he won’t be going to next year’s tournament even though he’s on the schedule to do so.

My suggestion, of course, would be to send columnist Diane Pucin in his place, because despite what Kreuzkamp might think, I like to promote women when I get the chance.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Gale McKim:

“I had to check the author’s name after reading [about the old softball players]. Did you turn into Plaschke for a day? No venom and only a few cheap shots? Will you soon be closing your columns with ‘Have a Nice Day?’ ”

Get lost.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.