Vikings Look Like a Tough Sell

I got a ticket once for flipping a U-turn in the middle of a block in Westwood. That minor transgression cost me something like $75 and an entire Saturday in traffic school, where I was treated to four hours of gruesome movies showing highway pileups.

Imagine if I had scooped the police officer up on my hood and driven him half a block before dumping him on his face.

Apparently, if you do that to a traffic-control agent in Minneapolis, you don’t even miss a full day’s work. Oh, yes, there is a caveat: You have to be Randy Moss.

I’m not going to sermonize on the special treatment athletes receive, or how absurd it is that Hennepin County prosecutors couldn’t put together a felony case against Moss, even though eyewitnesses saw him use his 2002 Lexus to nudge 27-year-old agent Amy Elizabeth Zaccardi down the street, stopping only when she fell but never getting out of his car.

Is it a surprise that the Vikings have decided not to suspend Moss for Sunday’s game against the Seahawks? Of course not.

My point is this: The 0-3 Minnesota Vikings are in as much disarray as any organization in sports, and I just pray they never wind up in Los Angeles. Red McCombs is trying to sell the team and the NFL would love to have a franchise in L.A., assuming there is a stadium that fits the bill. At first glance, it appears the Metrodome lease will keep the team in Minnesota for years to come, but McCombs has indicated there are ways out of it.

Buyer beware, though. Consider the last five years:

* 1997--Then-coach Dennis Green writes his autobiography, “No Room For Crybabies,” and drops a bombshell in the final chapter. He says he has a “secret money mentor” who will enable Green to become his own boss by buying out the 10-member consortium that owned the team at the time. It made headlines and shook up some people, but in the end Green couldn’t produce the green.

* 1998--The Vikings get off to a spectacular 15-1 start, Randall Cunningham is playing the best football of his life, and the club’s decision makers look like geniuses for drafting Moss with the 21st pick. The Marshall receiver’s troubled background scared off a lot of teams, yet he turns out to be the diamond of the rookie class. The Vikings are Super Bowl bound ... until Gary Anderson, the NFL’s most reliable kicker that season, misses a 38-yard field-goal attempt against Atlanta in the NFC championship game. His miss in the fourth quarter is his first of the season--and Atlanta’s Morten Andersen nails a kick from the same spot to win it in overtime.

* 1999--Minnesota uses its top pick on Daunte Culpepper, and, with its second selection in the first round, drafts Michigan State defensive lineman Demetrius Underwood. Culpepper is a good choice; Underwood goes AWOL after the first day of training camp and sets off on a two-week odyssey of self-discovery. Eventually, the team works out a settlement with him and cuts him loose.

* 2000--After an unexpectedly strong 11-2 start, the Vikings lose their last three but still make the playoffs, where they open with a divisional victory over New Orleans. They then lose the NFC championship game to the New York Giants, 41-0, or, as Moss puts it, “41 to doughnut.” From the beginning of the 1998 season through the playoff victory over the Saints, the Vikings are a league-best 39-14. Since, they are 5-15.

* 2001--Pro Bowl tackle Korey Stringer dies of heatstroke after the second day of training camp, and months later his widow files a $100-million wrongful-death lawsuit against the Vikings. The club has neither tried to settle the suit, nor has it paid the remainder of Stringer’s contract to his family. Meanwhile, Moss makes headlines for all the wrong reasons, first for his constant bickering with fellow receiver Cris Carter--as self-centered as anyone in the game--then for saying he only really plays when he wants to play.

* 2002--The Vikings are winless after three games and probably will miss the playoffs again. They haven’t missed the playoffs in consecutive seasons since 1990 and ‘91, the end of the Jerry Burns era. Then again, they haven’t been 0-3 since Bud Grant was a rookie coach in 1967.

All of this--particularly the Stringer lawsuit, which will be heard next summer--has to make it especially difficult for McCombs to get the asking price he wants.

Anyone who pays top dollar for the Vikings is being taken for a ride.

And, as any traffic-control agent will tell you, that’s not a good thing.

Letter Perfect

In his just-released book, “Still Perfect: The Untold Story of the 1972 Miami Dolphins,” author and South Florida Sun-Sentinel columnist Dave Hyde gives the inside scoop on kicker Garo Yepremian and his Super Bowl blunder, that hysterical attempt to complete a pass after his field-goal attempt had been blocked.

Some of his teammates were ready to wring his neck. Others were simply icy. Even though the Dolphins won, the excruciating memory of that play haunted Yepremian for months. He never felt quite right until he received a warm letter from Coach Don Shula, reminding him of how many clutch kicks he’d made and how his efforts were crucial to the perfect season. Immediately, Yepremian’s spirits brightened, he could joke about the kick, and wound up making a lot of money on the speaking circuit.

Almost 30 years later, he was playing in a celebrity golf tournament with Shula. A fan approached the coach and thanked him for all he’d done.

“Yes, thank God for Coach Shula,” Yepremian said. “He wrote a letter that meant as much to me as anything a coach did.”

Letter? Shula didn’t remember writing the kicker a letter. Yepremian reminded him, but Shula insisted he’d never written that.

Finally, the two concluded the soothing words had been penned by the coach’s wife, Dorothy, who had died of breast cancer in 1991. She’d written it, and signed her husband’s name, as she often did.

“God bless Dorothy,” Yepremian said.

Around the League

AFC EAST--The Rams may be missing middle linebacker London Fletcher, but the Bills have no plans to give him back. He leads Buffalo with 40 tackles in three games, 14 more than second-place Antoine Winfield. Fletcher on St. Louis Coach Mike Martz: “He’s definitely probably underestimated the loss of me, not only what I brought to that defense but also in terms of challenging guys who were not playing up to their abilities. You can’t just plug in certain guys with that personality. It’s not there. I’ve talked to players on the Rams and they’re telling me it’s not there. So it’s not just me talking.” All that talent, and he’s humble too.

AFC NORTH--Players hate the turf in Cincinnati. Buccaneer defensive end Simeon Rice on where it ranks in the league: “It’s worse than the worst.” ... The Bengals are 0-3 for the third time in four years and the sixth time in 12.... Not only has Baltimore scored only seven points, the Ravens have been blanked in their last 20 possessions and have penetrated the red zone only once during that stretch.... In preparing to play Pittsburgh on Sunday, Cleveland has been working on the no-huddle and spread offenses. Hey, it worked for New England and Oakland.... Either Steeler quarterback Kordell Stewart snaps out of his funk soon, or he steps aside for Tommy Maddox.

AFC SOUTH--The Texans are the youngest team in the NFL and it shows. They lead the league in penalties with 35.... Houston has gone eight quarters without scoring a touchdown. “The NFL is a humbling experience,” rookie quarterback David Carr told reporters in Houston. “I haven’t had this rough of a time through three games in my entire career since fourth grade.” Fourth grade must have been a nightmare.... Didn’t anybody learn from Dwayne Rudd? Atlanta linebacker Keith Brooking was fined $5,000 by the league this week for slamming his helmet to the turf in last Sunday’s victory over the Bengals.... Carolina Coach John Fox got a call this week from Minnesota Coach Mike Tice, who’d refused to shake Fox’s hand after the Panthers’ 21-14 victory over the Vikings last Sunday. Tice was upset that the Panthers had tried a 39-yard field goal with eight seconds left. “Most people don’t accuse you of running it up in seven-point games,” Fox told Carolina reporters.

AFC WEST--Hottest coach in the league not named Bill Belichick? How about Marty Schottenheimer? His 2001 Redskins won their last two, and his 2002 Chargers are 3-0, so he’s riding a five-game winning streak.... The Broncos are 3-0 too, and they have reached the Super Bowl five of the seven times they got off to such a rip-roaring start.... Raider Charles Woodson, a four-time Pro Bowl cornerback, is in line for a big raise. He’s in the fifth year of a six-year, $14-million contract he signed as a rookie.... Denver’s Chester McGlockton, a 334-pound defensive tackle, ran 24 yards to a touchdown with a fumble recovery Sunday, prompting tight end Shannon Sharpe to muse, “A 400-pound man has more touchdowns than I do. That’s not good.”

NFC EAST--Emmitt Smith is 361 yards shy of Walter Payton’s all-time rushing mark. Best guess is, Smith will break it Week 8 against Seattle.... Safety Darren Woodson, one of the last links to the Cowboy glory years of the early-to-mid-1990s, tore into his teammates this week about their lack of commitment. For one thing, he criticized them for spending so many hours playing dominoes in the locker room. The team’s No. 1 domino junkie: Smith.... Against Seattle, Giant rookie tight end Jeremy Shockey had his first subpar game of the season, dropping a pass and failing to adjust his route on a blitz.... Philadelphia has scored 105 points in its first three games, most in club history.

NFC NORTH--Chicago has the best linebacker in football in Brian Urlacher, and no Bear defensive lineman has recorded a sack this season.... Lion owner William Clay Ford addressed the players this week and told them Coach Marty Mornhinweg, who is 2-17, is going to be coaching them for a long time. But that’s a car salesman talking.... Chester “Swede” Johnston, the oldest former Packer and a member of two of Curly Lambeau’s championship teams, died Sept. 19 at 93. He played four positions.... If he completes 14 more passes, Brett Favre will pass Joe Montana for fifth place on the all-time completions list. Favre has 3,396, still miles behind leader Dan Marino’s 4,967.

NFC SOUTH--This season’s “Lethal Weapon 3:” Saint receivers Joe Horn, Donte Stallworth and Jerome Pathon. Stallworth is a bit behind in learning the West Coast offense, having missed part of training camp because of a hamstring injury, but he has blistering speed.... Who says the weather doesn’t matter to a dome team? The Saints are 3-0, and Tropical Storm Isidore pounded New Orleans. In 1998, the last time the Saints were 3-0, the city was hit by Hurricane Georges.... Tampa Bay’s Derrick Brooks has intercepted passes in all three games this season, returning picks for touchdowns against Baltimore and St. Louis. His mom is lobbying to get the ball from the one against the Rams.

NFC WEST--St. Louis has lost 20 consecutive games when behind heading into the fourth quarter.... The Rams are 0-3. Over the last five years, the only team to start 0-3 and make the playoffs was the 1998 Buffalo Bills.... Surprise, surprise: Terrell Owens is making waves in the 49er locker room again. He says the team has no killer instinct. Who knew this guy would cause problems? Of course, he didn’t mention 17 players--eight of them starters--had flu symptoms during Sunday’s game against Washington.