Golf’s Biggest Joke Is on Those Who Play It

One barometer in measuring the popularity of golf is the number of jokes the sport inspires. Think about it. Heard any good tennis jokes lately?

Reader Dan Catherwood of Sierra Madre e-mailed a list of golf jokes that have been making the rounds on the Internet.

Here, in the honor of this weekend’s Nissan Open, is a sampling:

“When I die, bury me on the golf course so my husband will visit.”

Unknown

“I’ve spent most of my life golfing. The rest I’ve wasted.”

Unknown

“Golf is played by 20 million mature American men whose wives think they are out having fun.”

Jim Bishop

“I know I am better at golf because I’m hitting fewer spectators.”

Gerald Ford

“The difference in golf and government is that in golf you can’t improve your lie.”

George Deukmejian

“The only time my prayers are never answered is on the golf course.”

Billy Graham

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Trivia time: The 2004 NBA All-Star game will be played at Staples Center. How many NBA All-Star games have been played in Los Angeles?

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Subs and scrubs: When the Lakers beat the Houston Rockets last week in double overtime, Coach Phil Jackson had to rely heavily on his reserves.

At one point, former Laker coach Bill Sharman said, “It looks like a Summer League game out there.”

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Tattoo analysis: When TNT’s Kenny Smith said Mike Tyson’s tattoo was “a tribal thing,” partner Charles Barkley wanted to know, “What tribe, the knucklehead tribe?”

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Plain ol’ John: Colorado Crush quarterback John Dutton on former Bronco star quarterback John Elway, a part-owner of the Crush: “At first, when I saw him I didn’t know what to call him. But now we’re on a first-name basis. It’s kind of weird.”

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Costly publicity: Chris Economaki, in a recent column in National Speedsport News, wrote about drag racer Christian Rado’s outbidding Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow to become the first U.S. owner of a $20,000 Rado (no relation) cell phone.

The phone, which is made of platinum with a sapphire crystal faceplate and ruby keypads, was stolen off a table at an Orlando nightclub. Rado offered a $3,000 reward for its safereturn.

Wrote Economaki: “Rado got bigger headlines for having his $20,000 jewel-studded cell phone being stolen than he ever got for runs down the strip.”

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Numbers game: After Andrew “Six Heads” Lewis was knocked out in the second round by Antonio Margarito, HBO commentator Larry Merchant said, “You know what they say: Six heads, one chin.”

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Trivia answer: Three. The 1963 All-Star game was at the Sports Arena and the 1972 and 1983 games were at the Forum.

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And finally: Chris Webber, in the March issue of Stuff magazine: “Bill Walton’s just a big phony, and everybody knows it. He has a history of being a flower child and all this, and now all of a sudden he gets smart out of nowhere.”

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-- Larry Stewart