Eager to Hear What Simon Says in a Pickle

The one-sided brat-bout between Pittsburgh Pirate first baseman Randall Simon and the 8-foot hot dog mascot last week at Milwaukee got San Francisco Chronicle columnist Scott Ostler thinking about the possibilities.

“I’ve seen people attack their food, but this is ridiculous,” Ostler wrote. “Wouldn’t you like to be there when Simon’s cellmate says, ‘I’m in for homicide. How about you?’ ”

Add Ostler: “The bratwurst, having lost three races in a row, has been sent down for more seasoning.”

Trivia time: Which three countries made their debut in the 1994 soccer World Cup in the United States?

Reality check: Seattle Times columnist Ron Judd had a bit of moving-day advice for one of the newest Lakers: “Gary Payton hasn’t even pulled the U-Haul into L.A. yet, but he’s already living on the outskirts of fantasy land by even entertaining the notion that his new L.A. Lakers will go ‘undefeated’ next season. Note to G.P.: Somewhere in Hollywood, you’ll find a number of walk-in oxygen bars. Use one, baby.”

Feeding Frenzy: Roger Federer’s father was not on hand at Wimbledon on July 6 to see his son win his first Grand Slam singles title.

Nothing wrong with that. A parent willing to stay in the background in tennis should be welcomed, not condemned.

It turned out Robert Federer needed to make sure another member of the family, Ginger, had enough to eat.

Ginger is not Roger’s sister.

“I had to feed the cat at home,” Robert told the British newspaper, the Sun. “We had a few friends around and watched the match on television.”

Tennis, Part II: American tennis star Andy Roddick’s wit isn’t as fast as his first serve, but it’s close.

Asked if he enjoyed his status as a new sex symbol of the tennis circuit, Roddick replied: “Do you want to go to dinner later?”

Trader Jack: Florida Marlin Manager Jack McKeon was no pushover at 50 or 60, and he hasn’t become one at 72, according to his players.

“We had a couple of the guys in the clubhouse during a game. We’ve all been known to come in here and sit on a recliner for a while, for an out or 10,” pitcher Josh Beckett told Associated Press. “And he decides to make a new rule, to lock the clubhouse up during the game.

“He knew about it the whole time.”

Trivia answer: Greece, Nigeria and Saudi Arabia.

And finally: The Louisville Courier-Journal caught up with Sonny Vaccaro at his Adidas summer basketball camp, and of course the topic of the next LeBron James came up. Sonny didn’t have a name but offered an opinion on not having a name.

“The only time you can find the next legend is when the one you’re comparing him to has put breath between them,” Vaccaro said.

“We didn’t find the next Bobby Fischer until Bobby Fischer was gone. We didn’t look for the next Michael Jordan for awhile. There is no next LeBron sitting here. There isn’t any. You’re too close to him.

“What does that say about the instant gratification of our society? We’re trying to replace him before he’s replaceable.”