Responses to Sammy Anything but So-So

Sammy Sosa Uncorked is getting some play in Chicago newspapers. To wit, this was the start of the lead story in the Sun-Times on Wednesday:

“A Warren Commission report affirming a lone assassin of John F. Kennedy 40 years ago has not stopped a large number of Americans from believing the murder was a conspiracy among many. So don’t expect Sammy Sosa to be believed when he insisted his first-inning ejection Tuesday at Wrigley Field for using a corked bat was a single, innocent mistake.”

And that was a news story. As for commentaries ...

Aster-rick: Columnist Rick Telander of the Sun-Times on what kind of notation Sosa’s career homers might deserve. “A Flubber icon? A sawhorse and glue gun? Carpenter’s goggles?”

Critics and skeptics: Sosa’s explanation that he kept the corked bat to show off in batting practice isn’t flying, either.

“I believe that,” Telander wrote, “[and] I believe gangsters keep shotguns in their trunks to shoot rabbits. I believe the Tooth Fairy is married to the Easter Bunny.”

Shards of evidence: In the past, responding to rumors he might be using steroids or another banned substance to bulk up, Sosa challenged doubters to prove he was dirty.

But when Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated suggested he take a drug test to prove he was clean, the slugger declined.

“Over the years, this has been his mantra in response to all the whispers: Prove that I’m a cheater,” wrote columnist Rick Morrissey in the Chicago Tribune.

“It’s a huge leap from a corked bat to the use of illegal performance-enhancing drugs, of course, but it’s fair to wonder how far Sosa would go to be a better baseball player. If you’re willing to break the rules one way, why not another way?”

Closing argument: Manager Dusty Baker, Cub teammates, and even several opposing players cautioned fans that Sosa should be presumed innocent until it has been proven otherwise, but most of the columnists didn’t hesitate.

Mike Downey of the Tribune went so far as to alter a somewhat familiar rhyme: “If the cork fits, they can’t acquit.”

Trivia time: Which winner of horse racing’s Triple Crown was sired by a Triple Crown winner?

Cheers: In the states, the vendor calls go out for peanuts and sodas. In Puerto Rico, where the Angels are playing the Montreal Expos this week, it’s “Pina Coladas Here!”

Puerto Rico is, after all, the rum capital of the world, and marketing experts made these estimates based on a projection that 33,000 of the drinks will be consumed in the three-game series: Nearly 300,000 ounces of mix, more than 26,000 cans of pineapple juice, 800 pounds of ice, 33,000 cherries and chucks of pineapple and “countless” bottles of rum will be used. Win or lose, the fans go home happy.

Trivia answer: 1935 winner Omaha was sired by 1930 winner Gallant Fox.

And finally: In a question-and-answer session with USA Today, NBA Commissioner David Stern was asked if he has a shoe contract.

“I have a deal with a small wingtip organization,” Stern quipped. “Part of the deal is I don’t tell anyone about it.”

-- Mike Hiserman