In the Year 2100

TRAFFIC

L.A. traffic is dominated by gigantic 80-foot-long, 65-passenger SUVs known as KONGs, which get one-sixteenth of a mile to a gallon of gasoline. A memorial is established to honor the hundreds of victims who starved to death on the 405 during “The Great Freeway Traffic Jam” in 2079.

POLITICS / ELECTIONS

Ballots for L.A. elections are printed only in Spanish or Armenian. In the unlikely event that someone who speaks the dead language of English decides to vote, they must request a special ballot.

BIRTHS

Due to evolution, babies in Los Angeles are born with tiny cellular phones extending from their right hands to their ear. After cutting the umbilical cord, doctors cut the cellular phone from the baby’s ear to allow use of the limb. However, the phone remains attached to the hand for life.

Upon birth, parents must choose two things: a name for the child and a long-distance provider.

SPORTS

A consortium led by Eli Broad IV announces a plan to bring NFL football to L.A. for the first time in 106 years. The plan calls for renovating the nuclear landfill formerly called the Rose Bowl and restoring the stadium to its previous glory. The citizens of Los Angeles react with nonchalance, reasoning there is much more to do here than watch football.

Also, the Los Angeles Raelians, formerly known as the Los Angeles Clippers, have their first winning season in well over a century after owner Donald Sterling finally sells the team.

URBAN SPRAWL

Los Angeles annexes Baja to the south and Portland to the north.

TRIBUTES

The people of Los Angeles circa 2100 decide to honor the citizens of Los Angeles from a century before. Based on satellite photos and digital imagery of Los Angeles billboards and signs from the period, a statue is erected outside City Hall of the Most Important Citizen of the era--Angelyne.

SHOW BUSINESS

Academy Awards guru Gilbert Cates III announces plans to shorten the show after the 2100 ceremony lasts 14 months. Also, in an attempt to improve the academy’s image, a committee announces that statuettes awarded to winners will no longer be called “Oscars” but will instead be called “Luccis,” honoring actress Susan Lucci, who was posthumously recognized as the greatest thespian of her time.

The television industry is rocked by scandal after it is revealed that the gentleman on the reality show “Who Wants to Marry a Multi-Trillionaire?” is worth but $3 million (the equivalent of $79 today).

Also, a coalition protests the lack of good roles for Klingons in television and films, pointing out that only one of 50 roles is written for a Klingon actor.

REAL ESTATE

Midway through 2100 the real estate market finally recovers from “The Great Real Estate Crash of 2005,” and the median price of a home in L.A. returns to its 2004 level.

CRIME

After a new study reveals that 90% of crime in Los Angeles County is committed by celebrities, L.A. Mayor Moses Ictavomitzob orders all celebrities confined in camps outside Barstow. The mayor deflects criticism by citing statistics showing that crime fell drastically once the celebrities were locked up.

VALLEY SECESSION

The San Fernando Valley, which converted into the world’s largest pornographic movie set in 2085, attempts to secede from Los Angeles and join “Space Colony 9” on Mars. Sadly, the attempt fails from lack of organization.

LOCAL OFFICIALS / GOLDEN MONKEYS

Chinese officials finally stop laughing over a 2003 deal in which then-L.A. Mayor James K. Hahn and the L.A. City Council agreed to pay $1 million for three golden monkeys.

ENVIRONMENT

Newly released lab results reveal the chemical components of the air over Los Angeles County as 30% anthrax, 30% variable carcinogens, 25% radioactive waste and 15% ricin, the poison. A new law makes it illegal to venture outside without wearing a gas mask after an L.A. resident takes this chance and has his lungs literally explode.

There is still no trace of San Bernardino, which hasn’t been seen or heard from since disappearing into a giant cloud of smog in 2058.

SEX

To avoid contracting any of the known 8 million STDs in Los Angeles, citizens wishing to make love must first don full-length “body condoms” with tiny openings for the sex organs, and, occasionally, the eyes.

Early in the year, actor Colin Farrell takes advantage of medical breakthroughs allowing a longer life, and at age 123, tops Wilt Chamberlain’s claim of having slept with 20,000 women.

IMMIGRATION

On Nov. 3, the last remaining citizen of Mexico runs across the border and into L.A. His reason? He just got lonely.