Applying His Magic Touch to Clippers Is a Little Tricky

It’s pretty well documented that if you’re a crummy team in Los Angeles, or a really lousy player, your only chance to ever be successful is to get pounded by Page 2.

USC is No.1 in football, and I think we all know who is responsible for that turnaround.

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NOW YOU can scoff all you want, but Kobe Bryant couldn’t hit threes, Phil Mickelson couldn’t win a major before being called out for being a choker, and Mike Scioscia remained clueless until Page 2 got Jose Guillen going, thereby inspiring Scioscia. A friendly tap of the whip to Alex Solis before last year’s Breeders’ Cup at Santa Anita, and he rode off with the very first Bill Shoemaker Award for being the day’s outstanding jockey. (We may have to work a little more on Kobe’s passing in the future.)

Everyone knows the people who live in Boston are ugly, but a friendly Page 2 reminder at just the right time about how ugly they can get when left disappointed, and so much for that 86-year-old Curse. The Choking Dogs won a playoff game this season for the first time in 16 years, and who do you think took them all the way to the finish line?

One time, maybe twice, and it can be considered a fluke, but they just concluded the Oak Tree meet at Santa Anita, and Misery, The Times’ horse racing handicapper, showed a profit! We’re talking about a guy who couldn’t pick a winner if the race had already been run -- abused and ridiculed on Page 2 time and time again for getting it wrong, and now he’s a genius. Maybe my finest work to date.

And that brings me to the Clippers.

FORGET IT.

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A WEEK ago, Clipper Coach Mike Dunleavy was talking about the Dodgers and how well they did this season, and how Page 2 had nothing to do with the Dodger success. Where do the Clippers get these guys?

He said the Dodgers deserve credit, even more credit than they’ve gotten, and I don’t recall seeing him sitting there through wasted Jason Grabowski at-bat after wasted Jason Grabowski at-bat. And I know he didn’t inspire Old Man Finley to hit more than 10 home runs for the Dodgers after being traded here.

In his own old-school way, Dunleavy was making it clear the Clippers didn’t need any stinking help from a newspaper guy. And so you watch: They’ll win 30 games all by themselves this season.

Funny how things change. Maybe Dunleavy called the Micro Manager. Maybe somebody told him who got Adrian Beltre to play so well. Maybe he realized he’s going to have to play Mikki Moore this season. Who? That’s my point.

All I know is, I cracked open the morning newspapers and got this headline from one of them: “Clippers’ Bad Press Might Be Used for Good,” and then read further to discover Dunleavy now believes negative press could motivate his team. Fancy that.

Personally, I believe it will take divine intervention to turn around the Clippers. But if Dunleavy thinks “bad press” will help, well then I’ll do what I can to oblige, which explains why I was in the Clipper locker room before their first game reminding the guys their season is already over.

In fact, I almost had Elton Brand convinced. “Look at the roster, look at the payroll and we’re not at the top in those things,” Brand said, and I thought he was going to cry, but I was getting the same look from him that I got from Jose Lima when I told him there’s no way he should be winning games any more given the quality of his pitches. “It’s going to be a tough season, but you can’t go around moping about it.

“You can’t concede,” Brand continued, and if a Clipper can’t concede, then who can? And you can see how I work.

I also informed Corey Maggette that the Clippers had already been eliminated from the playoffs, and he said something about proving Page 2 wrong. Sure, and the owners of Zippy Chippy, who is 0 for 100, probably still believe their horse is a winner. (By the way, talk about the perfect Clippers’ mascot -- I’m sure the guys would just love that.)

As you can see, I’m here to help. And as a result of our little pep talk before the game, the Clippers are 1-0. As you know, that’s better than Dunleavy was able to do last season when he tried to do it all by himself.

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A SURVEY of NBA team personnel picked the Clippers for having the worst ownership, but it’s the fine print that I found astounding. According to the SportsBusiness Journal, 13 respondents from the 23 voting representatives named Donald Sterling as the NBA’s worst owner, raising the question of who in heaven’s name did the other 10 select?

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SORRY TO see Angel reliever Troy Percival go. A class act all the way, and an athlete who had the ability to keep things in perspective even though his assignment was do-or-die situations in the ninth inning all the time.

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I NOTICED the USA Today/ESPN Top 25 coaches’ poll for basketball Wednesday and was surprised/shocked/stunned to see UCLA leading the pack of “others receiving votes,” which essentially made the Bruins No. 26. Then I realized I was looking at the women’s coaches’ poll.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes from the e-mail address of Greg Macklin:

“You go on a rant like that comparing Shaq and Chris Mihm after one game? They actually let you write for The Times? I would expect to read something like that on some blog on the Internet. Seriously, do they really pay you or are you just volunteering? I have a bet with a guy at work so please let me know.”

I know every payday I feel like I’m a volunteer.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.