The Whole Payment Seems Smaller Than the Sum of His Part

Ah, the glamour of Hollywood. For his appearance in the movie “In Self Defense,” actor Darrell Kunitomi recently received a residual check of 2 cents. The gross amount was actually higher -- 3 cents (see accompanying). But a penny was deducted for taxes.

I forgot to ask Kunitomi if his agent gets 15% of the remainder.

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Dear Santa ... : My friend Jeff Bliss tipped me to an ad with pointers for my profession (see accompanying). “Now I know what to get you for Christmas,” my wife said. And I realize what’s been holding back my career -- the lack of a glitter gel pen.

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Unclear on the concept: In Vermont, Randy Brown of Cypress spotted a pair of signs that were barking dueling messages (see photo).

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Food for thought: For those of you who disdain meaty drinks, Reilly Pollard of Santa Barbara has found just the spot (see photo).

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Adventures in the English language: Every time I read a story about film piracy, I get a kick out of seeing a movie referred to as “intellectual property.” Yup, that’s just how I’d classify “Deuce Bigalow, European Gigolo.”

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Parental misguidance: Signal Hill teacher Val Rodriguez sent along a collection of colorful excuses that parents have written for their children, including these gems:

* “Ralph was absent yesterday because of a sore trout.”

* “Please excuse John from being absent on January 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and 33.”

* “Please excuse Dianne from being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.”

* “My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fisacal ed. Please execute him.”

* “Please excuse Joyce from P.E. for a few days. Yesterday she fell off a tree and misplaced her hip.”

Rodriguez’s favorite was an absent notice he received that had the following written in the box for “Reason”: “Sex.”

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miscelLAny: Someone stole actor Gregory Peck’s star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame the other day, but his intersection in Beverly Hills was untouched (see photo). Actually, the corner honors two early residents of the city.

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Steve Harvey can be reached at (800) LATIMES, Ext. 77083, by fax at (213) 237-4712, by mail at Metro, L.A. Times, 202 W. 1st St., L.A. 90012, and by e-mail at steve.harvey@latimes.com.