In Hockey, It’s Tough to Tell Which End Is Up

Let’s face it: They just speak a different language in hockey.

We all thought canceling a season meant ending the season, right then, right there, over and out, no more pucks, take down the boards, melt all the ice, make way for NASCAR already.

Not so in hockey. In hockey, cancel means “Hold on a minute, let’s think this thing over a bit, can we get Gretzky on the phone, and while we’re at it how about Lemieux, and maybe we can book one more meeting, with or without Bob Goodenow?”

We all thought a final deadline was just that, a date or time before which something must be done. For example, the drop-dead line Gary Bettman supposedly chiseled into stone when he called off labor negotiations, as well as the NHL’s 2004-2005 season, on Wednesday.

But that’s not how it is in hockey. To hockey players and officials, “deadline” kind of sounds a little like “sudden death,” and isn’t that when the NHL used to be at its best, when the action plowed its way into overtime?

When Bettman said, “We’re done,” we thought he meant, “They’re done.”

In hockey, they hear the same thing and shout out, “Play on!”

It must have something to do with all those elbows into the ears.

And so today, three days after Bettman called off the season, members of both stalemated parties will meet again in New York in an attempt to cancel the cancellation and put spilled milk back into the bottle.

Is this any way to run a league?

Are these contract talks, or line changes? You’re on, you’re off, you’re on, you’re off....

No wonder ESPN hockey analyst Barry Melrose called himself “a beaten man” Wednesday after months of being run through the NHL rumor wringer. Melrose then likened the negotiations to “a toilet seat all winter long, up and down. They get you thinking the season’s going to get going and then they throw cold water on you and cancel it.”

That might not be quite the imagery Bettman and the owners wanted as they strike out to set up their “new NHL,” whenever that might be. But until Friday, the comparison was apt, considering what the players and owners had seemingly conspired to flush away.

The outlook was so bleak for the NHL, NASCAR drivers were actually feeling sorry for the sport they knocked out of the big four of U.S. spectator sports long before the lockout. The PR firm Williams Co. of America polled a few of its stock car-racing clients on the apparent demise of the NHL season. John Andretti said he felt sorry for the fans. Eric McClure said he felt especially bad for the kids.

Ken Schrader, meanwhile, might have provided motivational fodder for the NHL when he quipped, “You know, some of those hockey rinks would make some great Midget tracks.”

So, they’re meeting again to see whether they might be able to play some hockey on those hockey rinks. Because in hockey, it’s not over until it’s over, even after the guy in charge tells everybody it’s over.

Available for viewing this weekend:

*

TODAY

* Nissan Open

(Channel 7, noon)

Riviera Country Club -- where the Golf Channel and the Weather Channel meet every February.

* NBA All-Star Saturday Night

(TNT, 5:30 p.m.)

From Denver, TNT brings you the NBA’s shooting stars, skills, three-point and dunk competitions, along with as many opinions Charles Barkley’s vocal cords can handle between parties.

Before his voice began sounding like a shattered backboard, Barkley went on a promotional conference call this week to talk about a certain large individual who switched conference allegiances during the summer and will start for the East All-Stars on Sunday.

“Everybody is automatically better when they play with Shaquille O’Neal,” Barkley said. “Look at it this way -- we haven’t heard anything from Devean George or Derek Fisher. Rick Fox retired. ... All those guys were good players, but they are not nearly as good without Shaquille.

“We didn’t even know [Miami guard] Damon Jones was alive three months ago and now he’s leading the league in three-point shooting because his man is camped in Shaquille O’Neal’s lap. Great players make guys around them better.”

*

SUNDAY

* NBA All-Star Game

(TNT, 5 p.m.)

On that same note, Kobe Bryant and the Shaq-less Lakers begin the All-Star break 26-24, barely holding the eighth playoff spot in the Western Conference, which Barkley believes is not quite the loaded conference it is made out to be.

“I’ll tell you what’s interesting about the West -- they’re not as good as I thought they’d be,” Barkley said. “I still think that San Antonio is far and away the best team, and then Seattle and Phoenix are neck and neck. ... But after that, I think anything can happen.”

Asked about the Lakers’ playoff chances, Barkley laughed and said, “I think the six, seven, eight, nine and 10 seeds in the West are going to fluctuate a lot in the last couple of months. But you can go ahead and plan your vacation after the regular season if you are associated with the Lakers.”

* UCLA at Stanford

(Channel 2, 12:30 p.m.)

The state of the state’s once-great college basketball rivalry: UCLA and Stanford face off to determine who’s the second best college team in California behind the University of the Pacific.

* Daytona 500

(Channel 11, 10 a.m.)

Danny Sheridan has made Dale Earnhardt Jr. a 4-1 favorite to win the Daytona 500, followed by Jeff Gordon and Michael Waltrip at 7-1. On the Fox Sports website, fans can gather information and tips before making their NASCAR fantasy league picks. Yes, football season is officially over.