Last Gas Before Honolulu

To: Mayor James K. Hahn

From: Los Angeles Tourism and Junket Bureau Board

Re: Slogan

Los Angeles is falling behind in the big-city marketing game. We need to start branding this place, pronto. As you have doubtless read in the papers, your billionaire counterpart in New York, Michael Bloomberg, is aggressively seeking trademark protection for several Gotham-related catch phrases, like “The World’s Second Home” and “Made in NY,” hoping to collect a licensing fee any time someone slaps them on a T-shirt. He also wants to earn licensing fees from “NYPD” and “FDNY” merchandise. Los Angeles is missing out on an opportunity that could pump literally tens of dollars into city coffers -- think of all the LAPD and LADWP shirts we could sell.

This office has not been idle, even if our initial efforts have met some snags. Our legal department hit a wall in efforts to trademark the phrase “We {heart} L.A.,” which bears material similarities to other municipal slogans, such as “I {heart} N.Y.,” and also happens to be owned already by singer/songwriter Randy Newman. Some suggested alternatives:

* “L.A.: 143 Days Without a Natural Disaster, and Counting!”

* “Silicon Implant Valley.”

* “Eisnerland.”

* “Drop By, Win an Oscar.”

“City of Angels” is good, but too ironic. After all, it’s being peddled by an Orange County team and, well, Hollywood is no heaven. Remember how Hong Kong was advertising that it would take your breath away, on the eve of the SARS outbreak? These things can backfire.

“The Big Avocado,” in case you are wondering, was nixed by a focus group. It’s a killer allergy for some. Whatever catch phrase we settle on, we’ll need to protect it legally.

Naysayers argue that commercial slogans like “Just Do It” or “Tastes Great, Less Filling” don’t enter the public lexicon at random; they “stick” thanks to millions of dollars spent on marketing. Or that just because you trademark a phrase doesn’t mean anyone is going to use it. Or that many vendors or manufacturers, especially overseas, will ignore trademarks unless the city goes to great length to protect them.

Our response: Bloomberg is a billionaire media mogul who managed to get his name on fancy electronic machines used by every financial trader; if he thinks this is the way to go, that’s good enough for us.