In Canada, They’ll Take Anything They Can Get

So, how have you spent the first two weeks of the post-NHL era?

If you’re like most sports fans on this side of the border, you’ve probably passed the time by not watching the NHL. In other words, same as always, nothing new to report.

It’s different in Canada, where the absence of the NHL has given rise to a weird, stir-crazy people’s revolt, with thousands of bored-stiff fans flooding the switchboard of the Canadian Broadcasting Corp. to demand, “We want our curling TV!”

Thursday, the CBC announced it was moving three matches at the Canadian men’s curling championships from its lower-access digital channel to the main network, in response to the rabid outcry for more free curling.

What this says about the dark side of the Canadian psyche is probably more than we want to know. But think about it: This time of year, Canadians are programmed to flick on the television to watch things slide across ice. Pucks. Sticks. Defensemen. The front teeth of defensemen.

With none of the above available for mass consumption, why not break out the curling stones and the brooms and at least pretend you’re watching a Calgary-Edmonton playoff series chanting, “Sweep! Sweep! Sweep!”

Meanwhile, in Boston, the investment firm Bain Capital Partners and the sports consulting company Game Plan International have combined to devise the most inspired idea yet to get the NHL up and running and back on the ice.

Can’t stand to watch the NHL just sit there and do nothing?

Why not buy the league, all 30 teams, and announce your own do-over?

Earlier this week, Bain and Game Plan made a pitch at the NHL Board of Governors meeting in New York to buy the entire league -- lock, stock, Ducks and barrel -- for $3.5 billion. It’s a brilliant move, offering to save the owners from themselves, which Bob Goodenow and the players steadfastly refused to do, and yet also a very simple one, borrowed from the basic playbook of every frustrated video game player.

Don’t like what’s happening or not happening on the screen in front of you?

Quick, while no one else is looking, go ahead and punch the “reset” button.

Why would Bain and Game Plan want to spend $3.5 billion to buy the NHL?

Because the NFL isn’t available. On the real-world Monopoly board, the NFL is Boardwalk and the NHL is Baltic Avenue. Oh, well, I guess we can buy it. It’s cheap to put houses on.

The NHL limited the Bain-Game Plan presentation to 30 minutes, suggesting Commissioner Gary Bettman and the owners really aren’t taking the idea seriously, suggesting the owners really aren’t thinking all that clearly. How many of them ever get this far in a season with a chance to turn a profit?

The Bain-Game Plan proposal involves buying the league and then running it Major League Soccer style, with individual operators in charge of running the teams but revenues centralized and shared. Yes, this is what it’s come down to for the NHL: a farfetched rescue scheme using the MLS as a business model.

Then again, the MLS has plans for a season in 2005 that actually includes games. So it might be worth a look-see.

Available for viewing this weekend:

TODAY

* Northwestern at Indiana

(ESPNU, 1:30 p.m.)

ESPN’s new college-only channel, ESPNU, begins its first full day of coverage, at least for those owning a DirecTV satellite dish or an Adelphia cable subscription. ESPNU kicked off its debut Friday with a musical performance by the band 3 Doors Down, an appropriate choice. If you don’t have Adelphia, how are you going to see ESPNU? By visiting your neighbor who has DirecTV 3 doors down.

* Davis Cup

(ESPN2, 7 p.m., delayed)

The McEnroe brothers are holding a reunion in Carson this weekend, Patrick captaining the U.S. Davis Cup squad in a first-round match against Croatia, John behind a microphone, critiquing his little brother’s performance. Five years ago, the tables were reversed, Patrick in the booth and John on the American bench.

What has changed since? Not much. The United States still hasn’t won the Davis Cup since 1995, the Davis Cup format remains inaccessible for most fans and television isn’t helping the matter, with today’s pivotal doubles match carried tape-delayed on ESPN2.

On Friday’s broadcast, John McEnroe expressed his wish that “Hopefully, we’ll get Davis Cup back to the level where it should be.”

More pressing than that, the United States first needs to get past Croatia. Andre Agassi’s much-advertised return to the U.S. Davis Cup team resulted in a straight-sets loss to Ivan Ljubicic, who is scheduled today to team with Mario Ancic to take on Mike and Bob Bryan in doubles.

SUNDAY

* Los Angeles Marathon

(Channel 4, 7:30 a.m.)

More than 22,000 participants will help celebrate the 20th anniversary of the L.A. Marathon. And how many will watch on the television sets at home? Probably a lot more if they changed the name of the race to “NASCAR Without Cars.”

* Indiana Pacers at Lakers

(FSNW, 6:30 p.m.)

With his team still struggling around .500 in March, in the middle of a playoff fight with the Clippers, Laker owner Jerry Buss went on ESPN on Friday to say, “We thought we would be slightly better than we are now.” And: “All things considered, [.500] is pretty good.” And: “We’ve only missed [the playoffs] once in 25 years. I would hate to think that this would be the second time. But, realistically, with the adversity that we’ve had, it will be difficult. But we’ll hang in there and see what we can do.”

Buss also said he had dinner Wednesday night with Phil Jackson, saying they spent a “nice two hours” together but did not talk basketball. Which would explain why the two hours remained nice.