The Weather’s Fine, So Everybody Into the Pool

Let me make this clear to avoid an FBI raid, or a chat with the district attorney at this busy time of year when they’re trying to fill out their own NCAA tournament brackets to enter the office pool.

I will not be crossing state lines with anyone’s money but my own.

I have set aside $500, roughly 10% of my salary or so it seems, to bet $10 in Las Vegas on every one of the 48 games to be played during the first four days of the tournament, including a $20 wager on one team to win it all.

All money won will be donated to Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA.

As you might imagine, it was difficult to find a casino in Las Vegas willing to take on such a financial hit, but the folks at Caesars Palace not only agreed to book the wagers, but said they will also match any money won by Page 2 and donate it to the children’s hospital.

One bet I’m sure to win: Caesars will pay off before Deacon Jones.

(If the FBI has a quota of gambling raids to fill, I’ve learned the cardiologists at UCLA Medical Center are running the hospital’s office pool. I guess that makes sense when you consider the heart-stopping excitement of March Madness.)

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TO BRING Caesars Palace to its knees and make more money for the kids, it’ll be necessary to outsmart bookmaker Chuck Esposito. Now if you’ve met the “Statue Maker,” you won’t think it will be that tough of an assignment.

Esposito, however, might be the smartest man I know. You know all those huge marble statues around Caesars? Some people thought they were smarter than the Statue Maker, and paid for them. Some bettors remain frozen in place, dumbfounded that they got nine out of 10 correct in a 10-team parlay, which also accounts for some of the statues.

The Statue Maker sets the betting line for a bunch of casinos, making every game come down to a toss of the coin. Do you go with Illinois and give 26 1/2 points to Fairleigh Dickinson or take the underdog and the points? Whichever way you go, it wouldn’t be a surprise if it came down to that half-point.

Esposito also has these women, called “Goddesses,” delivering drinks all day long, and sooner or later who cares about a half-point.

The Statue Maker is good, all right, but he made the mistake of telling me how to beat Las Vegas a year ago, and I took notes.

(First of all, I’m leaving the wife at home, and although that has nothing to do with beating the Statue Maker, I see no reason to overwork the Goddesses. I’m sure they have enough people to serve without one more nagging request.)

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THE STATUE Maker said he gives extra points to lesser-known teams, figuring the public will bet more on popular teams, and especially teams with well-known coaches. Howland or Knight? I think I know which way the public is going.

Most folks will be listening to experts such as Dick Vitale and Digger Phelps, tilting the point spreads toward the favorites even more, so to beat the public and Esposito, I went looking for people who have no idea what they’re talking about.

Unfortunately, Sports Editor Bill Dwyre was out of town.

That brought me to Mattel, the third floor and the pediatric ward. When one of the first people you meet there is Dr. Sam Esparza and he tells you he thinks the Dodgers are going all the way to the National League championship series, you’ve hit the “out to lunch” mother lode.

These folks do wonderful, optimistic work with the kids in critical care who are being treated for bone-marrow transplants or receiving chemotherapy. My kind of heroes.

But when it comes to talking sports, well, put a stethoscope around his neck and Jack Haley might finally have an audience. They’re clueless, which might be the edge I need in dealing with the Statue Maker.

Dr. Esparza, of course, was selected to chair my know-nothing panel because of his love for the Dodgers -- joining Dr. Noah Federman, who isn’t about to be intimidated by people who know more than him.

Ask Dr. Federman about Dr. Edward McCabe, the grand pooh-bah at Mattel, who is out until March 30, and Federman says, “He’s probably out surfing while we’re here working.”

The nice thing about having Dr. Federman on my know-nothing panel is that he might be able to join me in Las Vegas if Dr. McCabe reads his morning newspaper.

Myke Drayer was also a candidate until Dr. Federman identified her as his fiancee, and then romantically described her as “a jock.” If Dr. Federman joins me in Las Vegas, I’m pretty sure he’ll be arriving by himself.

Dr. Kathleen Sakamoto, who will assume pediatric command on July 1, picked UCLA to defeat Texas Tech, then whispered under her breath that she really thinks Texas Tech will win.

You can see why she has the makings of a great boss -- she knows how to cover her, well, we’ll get back to Sakamoto later.

Dr. Dan Kao said he was once the sports editor of the Stanford student newspaper, and listening to him talk sports, there’s no question he’ll make a great doctor.

Dr. Steve Feig, the chief of pediatrics, began talking about City College of New York’s NCAA run, and I can see why the old guy is stepping aside and why they’ve scheduled a roast to honor him on April 1. Maybe someone will wake up him so he can attend.

But I think I know what Federman would say: “Let him sleep.”

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ANYWAY, HERE’S what Mattel’s know-nothing panel has decided, and so on Thursday I will be putting $10 on each of these teams: Fairleigh Dickinson (with the points), Nevada, Wisconsin Milwaukee, Boston College, Louisiana State, Arizona, Washington, Pittsburgh, UCLA (and the depths I’ll sink to in order to beat Esposito), Winthrop, Creighton, Wake Forest, Utah, Oklahoma, Cincinnati and Eastern Kentucky.

Child Life Specialist Laila Ramji said to put the $20 to win it all on Gonzaga at 35-1, and since she hails from USC, that’s good enough for me.

I’d guess at this point, the Statue Maker is pretty nervous.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com. To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.