Uneasy Neighbors Might Like to Give This Vehicle Last Rites

The daily presence of a decommissioned hearse in a Belmont Heights neighborhood has stirred a lively debate among residents, some of whom have left notes of protest on the parked vehicle.

The owner replied by posting a note of his own in the window, which said, “I’m sorry you have a problem with my car.” But he told residents, it’s “your problem,” because he has the legal right to park it on the street.

The shiny black leviathan has the words “Phantom Coaches” stenciled on it.

“I refuse to be intimidated by people who have issues with inanimate objects,” the owner concluded.

He probably could have used a more felicitous phrase since it isn’t clear whether “inanimate objects” referred to hearses or the type of cargo they generally carry.

Gentlemen, gentlemen ... : The crime log of the Aliso Viejo News said that officers “were called to the Aliso Viejo Golf Club because two golfing parties were in a dispute over etiquette.” Etiquette as in who was supposed to buy the next round of drinks?

Long John Silver preferred parrots: Gerrie and Pat Bowen of Santa Maria spotted an ad for some birds that apparently make fine sailing companions (see accompanying).

That’s Hollywood: There is apparently such fierce competition for acting parts that some performers are trying to establish their own niches.

Witness the actor who specializes in bad-back parts, spotted by Clyde Corey of Fountain Valley (see photo).

Chain them up ... : Alice Davis of Irvine attended an outdoor jazz festival, where smokers were given an unusually harsh warning (see photo). I didn’t hear of any puffers being dragged away, though.

Bathroom furnishing? John Shannon of Shadow Hills figures it makes sense for “heavy flush” carpeting to come with “heavy padding” (see accompanying).

A learning experience: A young man wearing plaid pants and red shoes was stopped by officers as he strode down the street in Isla Vista. “It was not his fashion sense that caught the deputies’ attention,” said the Daily Nexus, UC Santa Barbara’s newspaper.

“Rather, it was the open 12-ounce can of Keystone Light beer in his hand.”

Questioned about his age, he said he was 21. The man, who did not have his driver’s license with him, gave officers a fake birth date -- June 1985 -- that would still make him a minor, and a fake name.

He eventually confessed to being 19 and was arrested for giving false information to officers and for drinking in public.

Officers rejected his attempt to frame his problem with stating his age in scholastic terms:

“Just bad math on my part.”

miscelLAny: Barry Nackos of L.A. noticed that his sales receipt from Soundstations Records in Westchester announced that the store “will be closed Super Bowl Sunday.” Just in case you were planning to visit there eight months from now.