A league full of problem resolvers

Another year has passed in the Never-a-dull-moment Basketball Assn.; time to see what our heroes have learned that will lead to a more harmonious 2007.

David Stern -- Don’t even go there.

Billy Hunter -- He started it.

Stern -- Tell you what, I’ll trade. See if you can keep your guys from wrestling each other into the stands and they can wear their jeans again.

Kobe Bryant -- I only do resolutions for people who are inside the circle of trust.

Mark Heisler -- Did you get that from “Meet the Parents” or did they get it from you?

Bryant -- Whatever. Just to show how reasonable I am these days, this isn’t forever. Come back if I’m reincarnated and I’m doing this all over again.

Shaquille O’Neal -- Et tu, Phil?

Phil Jackson -- Can’t you take a little joke? This is what I do. I didn’t say you were an ax murderer.

O’Neal -- But this is me, the Man of Steel who won you three titles.

Jackson -- That’s true, even if you said you had kryptonite poisoning every time we practiced.

O’Neal -- How about all the times I said you were my white father and you were the president and I was the general? How about our last season when we were both on the way out and I had your back?

Jackson -- Love the one you’re with.

Pat Riley -- I heard that. Shaq has done everything we’ve asked him to do in practice. Both times.

Stephen Jackson -- I hope people don’t get the wrong idea from that misunderstanding outside the strip club when my teammates were in trouble, which had nothing whatsoever to do with that time I went into the stands because my teammates were in trouble. Can you hand me that .44 Magnum? I think I hear one of my teammates calling.

Ron Artest -- Well, it’s been fun. If you want this team, believe me, you can have it.

Mike Bibby -- Need a ride to the airport?

Artest -- As a matter of fact, if you want the whole town, you can have my share of that too.

Mike Dunleavy -- I’m not sure his first three teams knew how to keep him happy. Just to be on the safe side, we’re changing our name from Clippers to Ronnie & the TruWariers.

Nate Robinson -- What resolutions? That’s Nate Robinson, spontaneous Nate Robinson.

Carmelo Anthony -- Thanks a lot, shorty. I was supposed to get that Sportsman of the Year thing they gave Dwyane Wade until I had to jump in to protect my teammates.

Allen Iverson -- I got your back from now on, Melo. Just work on your rebounding while you’re away.

Mo Cheeks -- Finally, a real point guard!

Andre Miller -- Yeah, right, and nothing else.

Billy King -- Not so fast. This guy’s 30 years old, he makes $8 million, we’re starting over and I think we can move him at the trade deadline.

Cheeks -- But what about me?

King -- I’m not sure what I can get for you at your age, but in any case, thanks for coming.

Ed Snider -- Win some, lose some, right?

Bobby Clarke -- No comment.

King -- Whatever you say, Mr. Snider.

Snider -- Are you still here?

Isiah Thomas -- What else can go wrong? I tell them to take a hard foul and they start a riot. They hadn’t even made the playoffs for two years when I got here and now it’s all my fault.

Stephon Marbury -- That’s just how it is in New York.

Thomas -- Aren’t you from here?

Marbury -- Really? It’s too long ago to remember.

Thomas -- Every season the guy says he just wants to be coached and a year later he’s gone through another one. Whose bright idea was it to bring him here, anyway?

Larry Brown -- That would be you.

Thomas -- No, you.

Brown -- Wait a second, I’ll look it up.... See? It was you.

Thomas -- Really? It’s too long ago to remember.

James Dolan -- How are we doing on that “significant progress?”

Thomas -- A year ago on this date we were 7-21.

Dolan -- That’s fine but if there’s one thing I learned in the cable TV biz, aside from the benefits of operating a monopoly, it’s important to send the right message. Have our PR people point out that it’s still early and JD and the Sunshine Band will be at the Mamaroneck Country Club Blues Festival.

Kevin Garnett -- Are you a fool? No, not you. I was talking to myself.

Tracy McGrady -- Isn’t it amazing how prophetic our commercials were? Like “Impossible Is Nothing,” except maybe for me playing the way I did when Adidas signed me.

LeBron James -- Let me get this straight, I signed to stay here until when?

Dan Gilbert -- Just till 2010. I’m sure Larry Hughes will have recovered by then and we’ll have found someone else who wants to move to Cleveland the way David Wesley did. And if worse comes to worse, you’ll only be 25 with your whole career ahead of you.

Jerry Buss -- I resolve never to read one of your predictions again. You’re actually selling yourself short. Instead of putting them in the paper for 50 cents, you could make millions telling CEOs what won’t happen.

Donald T. Sterling -- I can’t tell you what it meant to me to see your faith in us after all these years. With you on our side, what could go wrong?

mark.heisler@latimes.com