Minute by Minute, Life Rolls by When You’re Bumper to Bumper on the 405

Notes from the 405:

Were you one of the lucky ones -- traveling the San Diego Freeway on Thursday afternoon, heading into or out of Orange County and just being grateful to live in the splendor of Southern California?

Me too.

Then, of course, came our discovery on that fateful afternoon: A big rig had gone crazy on the freeway in Long Beach, resulting in lane closures in both directions. As best I can recall, here’s how my trek from Costa Mesa to Long Beach went.

5:45 p.m. Pretending to take bathroom break, I sneak out to my car and head for Long Beach. An estimated 25-minute drive, I factor in rush hour and add another 20 minutes in order to make 6:30 p.m. rendezvous in Belmont Shore area.

5:47 p.m. Enter freeway near Euclid Street ramp and assess bumper-to-bumper traffic with cool detachment, knowing it is typical for that time of day and that it will soon open up.

5:53 p.m. Cleverly guide car past gaggle of drivers before making deft move into a middle lane and enhanced freeway position. Compliment self on driving prowess.

6:02 p.m. Begin wondering why traffic isn’t moving at normal rate. In fact, notice it isn’t moving at all and that I have yet to reach Beach Boulevard just three exits ahead.

6:12 p.m. Engage self in discussion about whether to roll down windows or turn on air-conditioning. Discussion turns into raging debate, and, growing angry with self, unfairly bring up old grievances.

6:19 p.m. Not having cleared Orange County, realize 6:30 rendezvous now in jeopardy. Realize necessary to call friends on cell to tell them I’ll be late.

6:19:01 p.m. Realize I don’t have a cell phone.

6:21 p.m. Tune in radio traffic report and learn that backup extends from Bellflower Boulevard in Long Beach to Jamboree Road in Orange County. Quickly compute that am in middle of DMZ -- Don’t Move Zone.

6:33 p.m. Grow increasingly irritated at car that has been alongside me for last 25 minutes. Driver keeps looking over and nodding politely.

6:42 p.m. Approaching one-hour mark, must think clearly: Stay on 405 or divert to surface streets. Or, as an increasingly attractive option, return home and tell friends next day that I forgot all about the plans. Incredibly difficult set of ethical and navigational factors. Decide to do what’s best for me: I roll up windows and let out ear-piercing scream.

6:44 p.m. At last second, veer off the 405 at Golden West exit and decide to make way across Bolsa Avenue, then up to Westminster Avenue, which eventually turns into 2nd Street and would take me into Belmont Shore. Just before exiting, wonder if a lot of other people have made same decision.

6:53 p.m. I make good time west on Bolsa to Bolsa Chica Street, only to notice traffic is backed up half-mile on Bolsa Chica leading up to Westminster. At least, that answers question of whether anyone else thought of this alternate route.

6:58 p.m. I wonder where I’d be had I stayed on the 405. A driver pulls in front of me in an intersection and I yell at him. It just seems that there should be honor among those of us stuck in this mess.

7:04 p.m. I curse the splendor of Southern California and long for Omaha.

7:06 p.m. I finally get to Westminster Avenue and run the red light on the turn arrow. There’s a police car across the street, but he’s investigating something else and doesn’t seem to care. At that point, wouldn’t care if he arrested me.

7:09 p.m. Stuck in bumper-to-bumper traffic on Westminster, I remember I’d told a different set of friends that I’d drive up to Westwood on Saturday to see them. Do mental review of just how good of friends they are. And dream up excuses.

7:15 p.m. Arrive in Long Beach and meet friends. “Where the hell have you been?” one says.

7:15:04: Friend picks himself up from pavement after I connect with right cross.

9:30 p.m. Dinner concluded, I head home. I take PCH.