Don’t bet the house (. . . or the Raiders)

Week 4 predictions for a league neatly divided into two distinctly defined conferences -- the Haves and the Cowboys. . . .

Falcons over Texans

* It’s Why’d We Ever Do That? Day at the Georgia Dome, where the first 35,000 fans-in-attendance/pedestrians-dragged-into-the-stadium-by-desperate- Falcons-officials will receive excuses as to why the Falcons traded quarterback Matt Schaub to the Texans.

Packers over Vikings

* Prominent scholars of Vikings expedition and invasion strategies remain stumped as to how one band of strays ever entered a key skirmish against Brett the Ageless unarmed except for Kelly Holcomb, Tarvaris Jackson and Brooks Bollinger.

Jets over Bills

* The season is still in September and already these persons have logged significant time at quarterback: Kellen Clemens for the Jets, Jared Lorenzen for the Giants, J.T. O’Sullivan for the Lions, Derek Anderson for the Browns, Trent Edwards for the Bills (he’ll make his first NFL start in this one) and Rex Grossman for the Bears. Incredible, I agree.

Bears over Lions

* Ending months if not years of denial, Chicago Coach Lovie Smith has finally acknowledged what every Bears fan and Grossman family member realized long ago: Brian Griese should be starting for the Bears. So that will happen Sunday. So should a couple other things: Bears touchdowns!

Ravens over Browns

* Strange but true: Supposedly washed-up ex-Ravens and current Browns tailback Jamal Lewis leads new Ravens tailback Willis McGahee in yards rushing, 307-272. There has to be a catch, right? I looked, but no. Both Lewis and McGahee already have played games against the Bengals.

Cowboys over Rams

* The Rams are hapless, Steven Jackson is out with a partial groin tear, Marc Bulger is playing with broken ribs, this game is going to be unwatchable by the third quarter. And yet Fox is covering it with its top broadcast team of Joe Buck and Troy Aikman. Why? Because the Cowboys are back!

Dolphins over Raiders

* What do you call the private hell Daunte Culpepper faced when having to make the devilish decision, Do I play for the Dolphins, or do I play for the Raiders? That’s right. Daunte’s Inferno.

Panthers over Buccaneers

* Moving right along, there’s a chance David Carr might need to fill in again for hurting Panthers quarterback Jake Delhomme in a game against Carnell “Cadillac” Williams and the Buccaneers. Which means this could be a matchup of . . . sorry . . . forces now too strong to resist . . . Carr versus Cadillac.

49ers over Seahawks

* Facing the same dilemma that eventually wrecked the Dodgers, the Seahawks want to know how they can win a division championship without winning games within the division. The Seahawks are winless in their last four NFC West encounters and were swept in 2006 by the 49ers. In the first meeting of ‘06, San Francisco running back Frank Gore rushed for a club-record 212 yards -- or 37 more than he has netted so far in 2007.

Steelers over Cardinals

* Briefly now, here is how the Steelers’ coaching search played out last off-season: Congratulations, Mr. Tomlin, the job is yours. As for you, Mr. Whisenhunt, there’s always Arizona. And please, take Mr. Grimm with you.

Chargers over Chiefs

* Fantasy league update: If you made LaDainian Tomlinson your No. 1 pick, you have 130 total yards to show for it. If you made Larry Johnson your No. 1 pick, you have 10 more yards than that. If you made Willie Parker (368 yards) your No. 1 pick, you could be guilty of insider trading. If you stayed away from fantasy leagues and staking your personal happiness and finances to this madness, better yet.

Eagles over Giants

* There’s a very good chance the loser of this game will be three games behind the Cowboys in the NFC East standings after four weeks. Then again, there’s a very good chance the race to represent the NFC in the next Super Bowl is already over.

Colts over Broncos

* Before last Feb. 4, Indianapolis Coach Tony Dungy was known throughout the league as Mr. September. His Colts continue to own Month No. 9; they are 17-2 overall and looking for their 12th consecutive victory during September. That’s discouraging news for the Broncos, who failed to lobby hard enough to get this game moved to Monday night.

Patriots over Bengals

* Randy Moss and Chad Johnson have combined this season to catch 47 passes for 845 yards. ESPN.com notes that both carry plenty of baggage. Which makes all those catches all the more impressive.

-- Christine Daniels