Torre and Jones have weight on them now

It could be weeks, maybe months -- whatever it takes, I will be there with the Lakers throughout the playoffs, which means leaving Joe Torre all by himself to manage the Dodgers.

Scary, huh?

He never did get the hang of the job in the National League with the Mets, Braves and Cardinals before going on to the Yankees, and here he is mucking things up again, regularly playing Juan Pierre instead of Matt Kemp and wondering why the Dodgers were shut out, 1-0, Sunday.

Six home games into this flat season, and even the Dentist, the former Red Sox dentist and PR guy hired to be the marketing specialist to jazz up the Dodger Stadium experience, fell asleep in the press box during Sunday’s game.

Someone isn’t doing their job, all right, and when I told Torre he was the savior hired to make a difference here, he replied, “give the savior a few more days.”

I tried that, but it cost the Dodgers another loss. We had talked Saturday, Torre still going with the Little Leaguer and Page 2 calling it a mistake -- since Kemp has the potential to be the team’s best overall player.

“I thought about what you said,” Torre said with a smile Monday after inserting Kemp into the lineup, “and it’s the only way to go. I just hate to break down that soon.”

The quicker he learns to go with Page 2’s advice, of course, the better the Dodgers’ chances to overcome their lack of talent. Davey Johnson, Jim Tracy and Grady Little were a little slow to grasp such a concept, and now they are no longer managers.

Torre had Kemp batting third against the Pirates, and when I asked if Kemp was going to be an everyday player now, Torre showed why he’s going to need to stay in cellphone contact with Page 2 the next few weeks.

“I hate to say he’s going to play every day; that’s too black and white for me,” said Torre, who immediately noticed the disapproving look that he was getting. “But I have a sense he’s going to play a good part of the time.”

Now as for the tubbo in center in Andruw Jones, who began the night hitting .100, maybe we should no longer be looking for him to hit his weight, but rather just his age.

“The scale was wrong,” announced Jones, who had stepped on a scale in the Dodgers clubhouse Saturday for Page 2’s benefit. “That scale has been there since Jackie Robinson played here.”

The Dodgers’ website lists Jones at 210 pounds. He said he weighs 240, although the Jackie Robinson scale indicated he weighed 248.

“Go ask the strength and conditioning guy for my weight,” he said.

“I have no idea who the conditioning guy is,” I said.

“The skinny guy,” Jones said, while also making a point to say with a hint of humor, “the skinny guy can’t hit.”

“Are you getting closer?” I asked.

“To what?”

“Making contact with the ball,” I said.

“I make contact every day. Foul balls,” he said, and that’s progress, I noted.

Given such encouragement, and I worry what’s going to happen while I’m with the Lakers, Jones grounded out to short and drove in his second run of the season.

Later the tubbo tripled off the wall, his batting average skyrocketing to .119, before finishing the night one for four with a .114 batting average.

“I worry you’re going to miss me while I’m with the Lakers,” I said.

“We’re not twins,” replied Jones, and now that I think about it, he didn’t even say “hurry back,” or “dinner’s on me when you return.”

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IT WAS 5:20 p.m., the Dodgers taking batting practice and General Manager Ned Colletti and agent Scott Boras were sitting together in the expensive seats behind home plate.

They were not in their proper seats, everyone else not sitting where they belong is getting the boot these days from Dodgers ushers, and here was a chance for one of the ushers to be hero.

Had someone escorted Colletti and Boras out of the ballpark, just think how much better off the Dodgers and the game of baseball might be.

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PRESIDENT BUSH has invited Tom Lasorda to join him in Washington to meet the Pope. It’ll be interesting to see the Pope’s reaction when Lasorda tells him he might not go to heaven if he doesn’t root for the Dodgers.

SEATTLE MARINERS scout Bob Harrison has always had an exceptional eye for young talent, which explains his interest in the kids at Mattel Children’s Hospital at UCLA and his $100 donation Monday.

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ROSALVA HERNANDEZ bought four Dodgers tickets for her husband’s 44th birthday, and some people wonder why there are so many divorces today.

But when the family showed up at Dodger Stadium will call Sunday, there was no record of anyone ordering tickets.

Sharon McCabe was working will call for the Dodgers, took the time to work on the problem and gave the family four seats in the club section -- five rows from the field. And at no cost.

“What could have been a total disaster turned into a pretty cool day,” wrote Rosalva’s husband, Phil Willon.

Willon is a reporter for The Times, but he said he never mentioned it to the Dodgers, the Dodgers doing everything right but scoring any runs Sunday.

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PAUL SALATA, who dreamed up Irrelevant Week to give him something relevant to do, is offering $500 to anyone who can pick the last player taken in the NFL draft April 27. He’s also donating $1,000 to Newport-Mesa School sports programs on behalf of whoever enters the most entries at irrelevantweek@gmail.com.

Salata, a former USC football player who obviously played before they went to face masks, offers a list of last-pick names on the irrelevant website. Keep in mind the Rams have the last pick in the draft, so will surely pick a real crummy player.

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TODAY’S LAST word comes in e-mail from Mort Nagler: “The Dodgers’ Jones has got more talent in his baby toe than you have in your entire body.”

We have something in common, though. Neither one of us can look down any longer and see our toes.

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T.J. Simers can be reached at t.j.simers@latimes.com.

To read previous columns by Simers, go to latimes.com/simers.