Hitting the nail on the headlines

Sports headlines we’d love to see -- but probably never will:

* O’Malleys Buy Back Dodgers

* Yankees File for Bankruptcy

* Steve Nash Dunks

* Cubs Admit This Probably Won’t Be Their Year

* Gasol Gets Haircut, Donates Clippings to Odom

* Green Monster Attacks Boston, Millions Flee

* Prince Fielder to Wed Queen Latifah

* Team Mascot Turns Out to be Actual Bird

* Belichick: ‘I Cheated’

* Clemens: ‘I’m Juiced’

* Bonds: ‘I’m Sorry’

* Jerry Buss Spotted With Shirley MacLaine; Admits New Fondness for Older Women

* Coco Crisp, Todd Coffey Named to All-Breakfast Team

* Prep Game Suspended After Sportsmanship Breaks Out

* Lakers Announcer Joel Meyers Pauses to Take a Breath

* Terrell Owens Swallows Own Tongue

* Gaylord Perry Named Dodgers’ 5th Starter

* Ballpark Food Found to Prolong Love, Life, Libido

* Holy Cross Signs Holy Moses

* Beckham Traded to Another Galaxy -- Far, Far Away

* Dallas Trades Mark Cuban for an Idiot to be Named Later

* TV Cameras Catch Several Players Actually Singing Anthem

* Ozzie Guillen Treated for Excessive Shyness

* Keith Olbermann Hurt While Heimliching Self

* ‘Friday Night Lights’ Tops ‘Idol’ in Ratings

* Kings, Ducks to Play Christmas Day in Rose Bowl

* Detroit Lions Offer 0% Financing

* Milwaukee Brewers: ‘We’ve Been Drunk for Years’

* McCourt Spends Game With Fans in Pavilion Seats

* Koufax Speaks

* Dunleavy Laughs

* DiMaggio Lives

* Chili Davis, Tim Belcher Named to All-Alka-Seltzer Team

* Frustrated by Bad Seasons, Gangs Give up Raiders Attire

* ‘My Hair is 50% Astroturf,’ Trump Admits

* Marlins Sell Out for Season

* Cyclist Confesses: These Bike Seats Really, Really Hurt

* BALCO Investigation Over

* 8-Year-Old Hurls Plate-Glass Window Through a Baseball

* NFL Finally Adopts College Overtime System

* NHL to End Season at Point When Pond Ice Would Normally Melt

* Namath Finally Admits: ‘In Super Bowl III, I Was as Surprised as Anybody’

* Cubs Fans Fess Up: Wrigley Is Kind of Cold, Dank and Rusty

* Octo-Mom to Coach Clippers

* Costner, Sarandon, Shelton Team Up Again

* Tex Winter Inducted Into Basketball Hall of Fame

* Chick Hearn School of Broadcasting Opens at USC

* Dodgers Parade Down Broadway

* Torre Sings ‘I Love L.A.’

* At Last, Nice Guys Finish First

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Erskine’s “Man of the House” column appears in Saturday’s Home section; chris.erskine@latimes.com